A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When is the time to stop lending money to a boyfriend? My bf and I have been together for 4 years, not living together. He pays maintenance for 2 children, I don't have kids. Over the past 3 years he has borrowed money almost every 2 to 3 months because he can't meet his financial obligations, nothing frivolous, just basics like travel or bills. He has paid back one tenth of what he has borrowed. He borrowed yet again last week, this time I said I have to have that amount back by today because I have a big bill to pay, and if he couldn't pay me back on time I couldn't let him have it. He promised he would, but he didn't. This led to an argument and he told me to stop putting pressure on him because he has enough stress without me contributing to it, and he would try to have the money next week. I am starting to feel used. He struggles because he can't access credit because of a bad record, so has to pay in cash. He doesn't spend what he has on luxuries, just tries to cover the basics so that is not the issue. His commissions from work just don't stretch far enough. I don't want to be mean or selfish but this is making me uncomfortable in our relationship, mainly because it has gone on for so long. He has been job hunting for 2 years but nothing yet. Should I just keep quiet anhelp out because one should be supportive? He is a good man, although he can't buy me anything or take me out, we mostly do low cost or free things and we enjoy each other's company. I'm just not sure how we will do in the future unless his situation improves. At the moment he does't contribute at all finacially in our relationship, and hasn't done so for most of it due to his financial situation. I believe he would if he could, so do I keep giving?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 Me personally, I don't lend money to people I know can't pay it back. I'd GIFT them if I CAN afford it and NOT lend if I can't.
I would sit him down and figure out a payment plan so he can pay back ALL the he owes you. And them STOP lending him money.
YOU are not RESPONSIBLE for his Child Maintenance. OR any of his other bills.
His financial situation is not going to change anytime soon, so if you DO marry him it will not improve FOR YOU(yea, it's not a nice thing to consider, but being married to a good man who owes so much for Child maintenance and other cost + got a bad credit WILL hurt you (financially). And IF you have children with him, YOUR child will not be able to do things you would like for them to do (sports/music, vacations) because his PRIMARY concern are his older children. So unless YOU can pay for stuff for your child, it's NOT going to happen.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 February 2014):
 "My general rule is to never lend money to a friend that you can't afford to just give them."
This. It's one thing when your boyfriend forgets his wallet and you pick up lunch. It's quite another to pay his bills. Yes financial struggles are hard, but you are not his get out of jail free card. He is dragging you down with him, and fast. Now because of his financial problems, he's causing financial problems for you and that's NOT OK. It's time to put your foot down and just say no.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): Not good. See my post about my previous situation, my ex would borrow from Peter to pay Paul, and I was Peter until I got real with myself:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-of-four-years-drinks-smokes-and-gambles.html
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 February 2014):
 You'll never see that money back. Never ever lend money to a boyfriend. EVER. It will tear apart a relationship fast.
I'd suggest not loaning out another penny. Even if you were to try getting money back through the courts, they're going to ask you whether or not you kept loaning money after he doesn't pay, and why.
There's a reason why he has bad credit - it's because he sucks with money! And you're now his ATM.
I'd break up with him, but at the very least, you need to not give him another penny (or whatever the UK equivalent is!). Ever. I guarantee you that if you stopped being his gravy train, you'll find out just what you're really worth to him. I mean it, absolutely no more money whatsoever. All you have to do is say no. He is a freeloader, and to think that he'd pay you back if he could? Not true. A guy with money morals wouldn't accept money from you even if he was starving.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 February 2014):
 You ask: "When is the time to stop lending money to a boyfriend?"
It's just before the FIRST time....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (2 February 2014):
If you met him and he was in this situation then you should have left him single. As a couple who is not married you should not absorb the cost of his bad choices. Unfortunately now is a bit late in the game. Your behavior of always giving has taught him u will always be there to borrow from. The only solution is to leave him. Never spoon feed a man. Or woman for that matter. I know this first hand and can tell you to run. It's okay to split the bill or u foot it this time and he covers it next time. Or if u guys live together and he pays rent insurance electric cable and you the other bills then you may cook more or treat more to show your appreciation. Your man is a bum. He can't provide for you or his children. Don't take this guy serious. If already he is struggling I hope you don't intend to get pregnant. That'll mean another mouth to feed and you out of work for a while. He'll hate that because he wouldn't be able to borrow from u. You should think about yourself my dear and not just this man. It's not selfish to cut your losses.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 February 2014):
 The answer to your question is you stop when you can not afford it. I think you have just reached that point. My general rule is to never lend money to a friend that you can't afford to just give them. It's fine to call it a loan, but in your mind it should be a gift. When and if he repays think of it as a gift as well.
FA
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