A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When do you know its time to call it quits?I know people change especially after 20+ years but how long do you hang in when you feel nothing. When you look at this person and don't have anything to say or want to be in the same room. When you dread the weekends coming so much that it makes you physically sick...Yeah he is a good guy and hard worker but that is it. There is no affection or feelings. He just seems like such and old man or a teenage Jack A** after a couple drinks. There is absolutely nothing to talk about or in common unless I do what he wants there is no compromise a phony interest in what I like only to hear negative comments afterwards. So you withdraw more.. I have tried to talk only to hear what a hard worker he is.What is normal what do you hang on for? There has got to be more. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone..You know how sometime you just wonder what is real and what isn't when you are constantly being told it is you.I have told him how I feel his response to needing for affection for example is that isn't him but he will try. Well - the attemp to get a hug is a very uncomfortable pat on the back for not more than a few seconds before he moves away.Yes that isn't him and no he hasn't changed maybe that is the point. I was the one way back when to ask him out, always made the plans for things that interest him. I have to laugh because it is better than crying I can honestly say he has never planned or taken me out on a date.Now that the kids are almost grown I need more. No he is not "abusive" per say but he doesn't like me having my own interests without him that causes problems. But it is ok for him. I have no problem with it we all need our own friends and outside interests that don't always include what the spouse likes maybe I am wrong. So, I do hav ethose walk on eggshell days trying to just cater to his interst.I know I need to go for me but its the getting there and knowing you are hurting someone.Thanks for all your time with your posts.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): There is more! I know how you feel although my ex was not a good guy! He was a hard worker, but definitely not a good guy! He was controling, abusive, and a drug user.
Not only did I dread the weekends but every weeknight too. I feared going home after work...I never knew what to expect. He was bi-polar, and a sociopath. He had severe mood swings that would change in the blink of an eye! I know that sick feeling at the sight of him, which you decribed in your post.
I eventually got out, and it was the first day of the rest of my life! I know that is so cliche, but it is the truth! Talk to him and let him know how you are feeling, perhaps all that is needed is a wake up call! If he doesn't respond positively...I would say enough is enough! You can't save a marriage by yourself, it will take two willing participants!
Find out if he is willing to participate. If you feel it is too late for the "save our marriage converasation," skip step one and move on to the obvious!
Good Luck!
Even though your life with your husband is not as severe as mine was, the feelings are the same. You may think, well, no...I don't fear my husband. But there is a fear present...you do fear spending the rest of your life like this.
I suggest you explore your options...I don't believe in remaining in a loveless marriage. It is not fair to either one of you! He has gotten too comfortable in his role as an old married man! He takes you for granted and takes advantage of you. You deserve better
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Sounds to me as if he is taking you for granted and you are just fed up with the situtation. As long as you are accepting this behavior out of him, then he will not change because he is getting what he wants from you without having to make any efforts to please you. He is probably perfectly happy and even if you have expressed to him that you are not so happy, he probably does not acknowledge just how unhappy you actually are since you have hung in there with him for this long. He does not believe that you will leave and does not realize that you already have one foot out the door. I would not just throw a 20 year marriage down the tubes without at least giving him fair warning of your intentions. I am sure that if he truly loves you and does not want to lose you he will again begin to act like the man that you feel in love with to begin with and you will remember why you chose to marry him and hang around for 20 years. If not, then it is time to leave and he can not say you did not give him a fair opportunity to make things right.
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