A
female
age
41-50,
*helly1981
writes:I was married up until last year and had an affair with someone else, since then I separated from my husband and I am now living with my new partner. When it was an affair we were having sex at every opportunity! Now we are together properly and we have just recently bought a house together we do not have sex as often. I don't mind this as we sometimes maybe have sex twice a week, sometimes more or less but my partner is not happy with that. If I am just not in the mood, he goes in a mood with me and says he doesn't understand why I don't want to. I try to explain that I just don't feel like it but he just doesn't understand. There is not a day goes by where he doesn't mention sex in some way, whether we may do it that night or whether he may be in luck or if he is on a promise etc, I feel pressured sometimes and I think thats why I dont feel like it. I have told him this and he still carries on and says he doesn't understand when I dont want to. What can I do!
View related questions:
affair, in the mood Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (19 January 2007):
 You say yourself that when you were having an affair you had lots of sex. Do you think maybe sex has lost its excitement for you now that it's not "wrong" anymore? Maybe you both need to make the effort to make your sex life a little more exciting again. I know you don't often feel like sex but compromise is also key here. I've been in relationships with guys who have much higher sex drives that me and even though I often didn't feel much like sex I'd let them get their way occassionally so they didn't feel like I was using sex as a power thing.
CD
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): Shelley, he says he doesn't understand why. This is just my own opinion but, it sounds like he really loves you and he 'gauges' your love for him, on the times per week you both have sex. He sounds insecure and perhaps is concerned about the strength of this relationship. When you met him, he was your lover and you were married. Sex was exciting for you and him because it was done in secret. Now it's open and the dust has settled. I think you need to reassure him more that you love him, irregardless of the amount of times you have sex. Take some time together and bond in other ways..like dinner and a movie, walks, cuddling on the couch, long talks and just having plain old fun. Sex does not have to even come into it. Intimacy between a couple is so much more than sex. It's bonding and building a solid base in the relationship. It's trust and respecta dnhe needs to find his safe, comfortable niche in this relationship. Give it time but communicate open and lovingly with him, all the time
...............................
A
female
reader, yourstruly +, writes (19 January 2007):
 Hi there sweety!I must say your man sounds very persistant!But in no circumstance should you feel so pressured in to doing something you really don't want too or as you say when you are simply not in the mood he should respect this!Do you both work?as it sounds like your man has bags full of energy!!Obviously we all have different sex drives and we have all been there in a new relationship when it's new and exciting and you just can't get enough of eachother so too speak!!Maybe try suggesting too him maybe if he romanced you a little cooked you a meal romanced you in candle light made you feel like an attractive woman instead of a sexual object that may help raise your sex drive and get you more in the mood for making love too him.This is a question of communication and if he is not willing too listen too you this may effect your relationship as a selfish partner does not tend too be a good one!!I hope this helps in some way yourstruly .x.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sam23 +, writes (19 January 2007):
It sounds like your new partner is not good at communicating with you, and uses sex as a reason not to develop the emotional aspect of your relationship. You both appear to be anxiously awaiting the next time you have sex - are there other ways you could be intimate together?
You say that you have now moved in together was this mutually agreed or did one partner feel pressured?
It is difficult when a relationship starts as an affair, it may be that your partner is worried that if he is not openly sexual you may loose interest. He may feel that you are already loosing interest, assure him that this is not the case (if indeed it is).
A lot of people try to keep the sparkle in a relationship, but without mutual trust that spark is likely to fizzle out. You've shown courage in taking a chance with your true feelings, let your partner be assured by this.
...............................
|
