A
female
age
41-50,
*P1980
writes:He Was All I Ever Wanted..Okay this is really long story I really need advice not commended for my actions or thus confession. It started 3 years ago I began work and myself and a colleague started to develop feelings but never acted on them. We are both married with children. Any how's who had an argument at work and I spoke to him about it. He took it as I was rejecting him. He got very angry because his attempts to make amends I ignored. He was my superior and would stare at me follow me around and brush up part me. In the end I moved to another department. While later I began to see him everywhere in work. One day he had to come to my new work place and st the end we hugged for a very long time I think he tried to kiss me. Anyway he shouted after me now look what u did. So I went off sick for few months when I came back I heard he'd moved to the other side if world but had been up in my department which hed no business if doing. Anyway I couldn't get him out of my head so i emailed him. He told me all he ever wanted was me and wanted me to leave my family and move half way across the world to him. In his culture he can have hus arranged marriage wife and then take a second wife so he said...Anyway I told him no. He got very angry and sent all our communication to my husband. I'm absolutely devastated and don't understand why he would act like this. I totally heartbroken I'm so ill. As for those who will say serves you right your married this is something that I never ever intended to do it happened and tried my best to keep my feelings under control. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): I have to agree with Cerberus in that you must take ownership of your mistake. By the same degree, don't let this one moment of error take down your tower of love you and your husband have for each other, which seems very apparent in your words. Just like any other moment of weakness in life, you learn not to be tricked again, and if you live by that strength and will to please your husband, it should be enough to keep you together as long as you both choose. Be cautious of people like this ex co-worker, as their lives are usually unhappy ones, so they'll do things as such to bring others down as well. Misery loves company, no matter who that may be. Go hug your husband and be happy and strong.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): These things do happen at work places. I don't think you have committed a hideous crime.You had an emotional affair in a moment of weakness. Let your husband know that and tell him you don't know why it happened, and as I understand from your post that is the truth. After all you were wise enough not to go any further and broke off the relationship before it got out of hand. I remember watching a film called brief encounter that showed how a wise husband acts in a similar situation. Obviously this guy you got entangled with was not a gentleman. You made a mistake, that is all. No need to cry over spilled milk.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Because he's an asshole?
Like Eyes said (hi, Eyes!), what does your husband say about this?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 March 2014):
 No man (or woman if roles were reversed) is worth feeling this sick over. Taking 2 months off work because of him (if I understand correctly) and now feeling "so ill"....even if you were both single, I'd advise you to cut him off completely. You're not single, so advise you most strongly to cut him off, and focus on your real life which is your husband and children, rather than this fantasy life/ emotional affair with a man you can never have. You have to see him for who he is (as other aunts have already explained) and face up to reality. If the reality of your presumably unhappy marriage is too much, you need to address that as a separate issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Your work is all cutout for you, where mending your marriage is concerned. You're busted.
If you had to turn to another man for love and affection, your marriage was in trouble before your at-work affair. Whatever you may want to call-it. I'll take your word that nothing ever happened physically.
I just don't understand why he got so angry, when all he got from you were "feelings." Perhaps he felt you strung him along for advancement, or extra perks. He certainly had nothing to lose. I guess you've met your karma.
I suspect his wife got wind of what was going on. I don't think it was your rejection that put all this into motion.
He wasn't going down alone. While your husband had no clue, and you're thinking you got-off scot-free.
Well, we know how he reacted. We know how you feel.
Uhm? Does your husband fit somewhere into this drama?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Revenge. Pure and simple you didn't play into his game, you played your OWN game for YOUR benefit - he played HIS for HIS benefit.
Like Cerberus said, you need to OWN your actions.
And I think you JUST saw a side of this man whom you thought the world off and what you saw was PRETTY, VINDICTIVE, CONTROLLING and MALICIOUS.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Obviously the man is someone who hates being crossed. A temper problem, which he revealed early on and stalker tendencies as well. There were early indications of these personality red flags.
He was your superior at work so early on dealing with him might have led to you being fired, as the culture tends to protect the man, in many polygamous cultures.
I have to ask, are you in an arranged marriage yourself?
Are you heartbroken because your husband now knows about this or because you now realize that the guy was so controlling he could not allow you to 'win' the relationship showdown?
He would act like this because you didn't follow his orders and end your marriage. So he took matters into his own hands and did his best to end it himself. He's a control freak who feels entitled.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 March 2014):
 As you probably have figured out, emotional affairs can be just as damaging as actual affairs. You have to face the consequences of your actions now with your husband.
As for this guy, he did such a thing because this is the real him. Everything flowery, every declaration of love, every endearing word to you, every single sweet moment you have ever thought of him or vice versa now shrivels in the face of this selfish, controlling, obsessive, vindictive creature he was underneath.
Now you remember this the next time you ever allow your feelings to get out of control again. Crushes and feelings and temptations happen within marriages, but they can be pulled up like a weed at the roots and choked into submission with strong discipline of the mind and temperance of the heart.
Remember this lesson about how a married cheater's words are completely worthless, morally bankrupt, and selfish in origin, and you cheated on your husband too emotionally. All the vows, all the life spent, the affection you alienated from him these past three years.
It's time to fix your marriage or end it, but resolve it, and resolve never to listen to the sweet, poisonous tongue of a married person in your entire life ever again. Instead, let a disgust and revulsion rise up if you are ever propositioned, because if he does it on his wife, he'll easily do it to you.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Not to be rude or offend anyone, but if he is from a culture where he is "allowed to take a second wife" then it is unlikely he sees women as anything other than a trophy or sexual plaything which can be discarded.
Men are dominant over women in such cultures and they do as they are told - arranged marriages usually favour the men rather than the women. You told him no, something he probably didn't expect from a mere woman, you have to do what he says.
You defied him, he sold you out to your husband. Do you really want to be with a man who has such little respect for women?
You need to take responsibility for your actions. You did have an affair, emotionally. It may not have been sexual, but the deceit is the same.
Relationships are about mutual respect, and you have shown none to your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Why did he do it? Revenge, pure and simple.
I'm not saying you deserve it and I'm not going to condemn you, him doing that is enough for you to have to deal with but it is the risk you took, OP.
Your intentions are irrelevant, your feelings are too you could have just not done any of that stuff.
So just cut contact with the guy and talk it out with your husband and see if there's a way you can reconcile with him.
The most important thing here though is must 100% take responsibility for what have done, if you try to cover your ass by saying you never intended to or you tried your best, then your husband knows he can never trust you again because you'd be admitting you have no control over what you do.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 March 2014):
 So what has your husband said about all this?
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