A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like when I spend time with my mother, I end up feeling bad about myself. I can't work out if this is justified of me or if I have the problem and are too sensitive. In conversations with her, she always talks and taalks about her life and the lives of other people in it and rarely seems interested in mine. This has always been the case, and she has often spoken for me in the past. I feel this has led to my feelings of worthlessness, as I rarely bother trying to talk about myself or my life to her now. I'll just let her waffle on and answer questions if she asks. But I feel uncomfortable talking to her about problems when she asks because the way she asks, like for example when I was arguing with my boyfriend, it was like she wanted to find out the gossip rather than actually being concerned.I cried after our last family meeting. I think its her values and opinions of people that hurt most. She values intellectual achievement and sucess above all else in life. She has always talked about how intellogent my brother is(he is a very smart guy), yet I feel that she looks down on me, or sees me as not as valuable as him, as I am what she would call average. Nothing special. Me and my brother have both nealry completed our degrees, and he is off to do a masters. I expressed to her that I would like to go into secondary teaching and she told me that she feels it is too competative, that the teaching circle are now very snobbya bout who they employ, wanting masters as well as pgces and generally discouraging me. She advised that I go into special needs teaching. Now my passion is art and Ive recently realised that I want to teach art. I thought that basically she was saying she doesn't think I'm "good enough" to teach secondary art and that special needs would be more on my level. Whatever she means by that, who knows. But I love art and want to work creatively and I know that specail needs teaching involves principles of teaching behaviour that go against my beliefs. I understand the importance of teaching certain behaviours to people who don't understand the effects of the behaviours, but hearing one woman compare her job to training dogs, put me off that career. Although I'm sure there are many other people who would not think like this.Basically, I realised how snobby and judgemental my mother is. I've never realised it before. She was talking about someone being a 'loser' and not very bright. Its like she judges people on where there are in life and their intelligence, and pities or looks down on people who are lower intelligence or have low self esteem and don't aim high in life. This bugs me because to me people are equal. We're all on different paths in life. Some of us are lucky, and others aren't. Luck covers everything ie intelligence, upbringing, looks, self confidence, talents, position in life etc. People do work to improve themselves but sometimes life is just unfair. I just find it cruel that she is so admiring of people purely because of what they have achieved eg high end job or intelligence and status. And she pitys those who have not achieved or have special needs. I think she has no right to pity these people, as pity is looking down at someone. I dont know what my question is, just what feelings do people have on this? I feel like my lack of self belief and self esteem have possibly been affected by my relationship with my mother, but I don't want to be bitter as this won't help me move on. I was just sad because I felt belittled in front of my brothers achievements by her doubting my ability to be a teacher. if it were constructive criticism then fine but it just felt like a disgusied put down. The whole way she acts around me and about me makes me feel like than and I just don't know if I am paranoid or sensitive. It would just be nice to have some encouragement or support for my dreams. I feel like her thinking less of me than my brother and other people in general that she always talks about around me, make me take on these qualities of being inferior and now I have low self esteem. What can I do to get out of this cycle of feeling inferior now? I only see her infrequently. And in many ways she is a good mum and is always there for me. It is just in the enotional support side that I feel I can't trust her to talk to and not be judged.
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female
reader, Pepto  +, writes (25 April 2011):
Wow, your mom sounds almost exactly like my mother! I am 35 years old and have had major problems with my self-esteem and am in therapy for it. Mothers have a profound effect on daughters. But you can heal yourself and be the mother to yourself that she was never able to be, and start loving yourself for who you really are - not who she made you think you are.You are wise in seeing her as infrequently as possible, as she sounds very toxic to be around. My mother's criticisms (she used to criticize me at least once every 10 minutes when I was in her presence) affected me so badly that I could not function in the outside world and had to keep going back home, only to keep receiving more criticism. So I think you are very fortunate that you are no longer living with her and can control when (if at all) you want to see her. It sounds like your mother may have had a highly critical parent or parents. She definitely had a bad upbringing and is obviously still emotionally a wounded child. Keep reminding yourself that she is a damaged, immature and shallow person, and that she cannot give you what was never given to her. Always remember that there is nothing wrong with you and there is something MAJORLY wrong with her. Do not give her any power, because she is totally misguided. Whenever you feel bad about yourself, listen to the voice in your head and recognize that it is HER voice - not yours. It would be extremely unproductive to do is to keep seeking her approval, because you will never get it. You can talk to her and tell her how you she's made you feel about yourself if you haven't already. But if she's a self-riteous personality who always denies doing anything wrong, you need to acknowledge that she will never be the mother that you want her to be. She does love you, but not in the way that you want. And it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what SHE is lacking. Artists tend to be sensitive individuals, and can be more affected by criticism. But at the same time the sensitivity is a gift, and as a creative person you have many other gifts as well. You sound like an intelligent, philosophical woman with a sense of justice. That in itself is pretty amazing. It's great that you are passionate about your art, that you love it. (I wonder if your mother has any unfulfilled passions and if she may even be jealous of you?) Keep doing what you love and don't let anyone stop you. The more you do what you love, the more you will love your life (and yourself). Make sure your friends encouraging, supportive people and dump the ones that aren't. We often repeat patterns, and I've wasted far too many years on "friendships" with domineering, narcissistic, jealous and soul-sucking females. Write a list of ALL the great things about yourself and read it every day. (Also look into 'written affirmations.') Something that's helped me a lot is sincere prayer to a higher power and writing in a gratitude journal. Something about writing down what I'm grateful for, even the small things, changes my attitude about my life. And talking to someone - whether a close friend or a therapist can really help.Remember that you are no longer a part of her. You are completely separate from her, an adult who can make choices for yourself. Even if you are feeling low, remember that it is her voice, not yours. Be a good parent for yourself and push yourself to do good, positive and healthy things for yourself. It will truly be worth it. Have a wonderful and productive life!
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 April 2011):
Okay, first of all: NEVER let anyone discourage you from following your dreams!
When I was 7 I wanted to join ballet but my mom wouldn't let me because there wasn't a school nearby. At 13 I wanted to join karate my mom told me I was not coordinated or agile enough to be successful. Now at 23 I still do martial arts, have participated in tournaments and won several. I'm also interested in gymnastics, ballet and dance, neither of which my parents see me do. I don't care. I signed up for ballet this year and my teacher told me that if I kept going like this I could be on pointe shoes in 9 months. So what if I'll be turning 24 by then. I'm doing what I want to do. I'm improving myself.
Your mom might mean well in her own way, but she is holding you back because you hold value to her words. Make no mistake, I love my mom but I never let her stand in the way of what I want to achieve. Stop caring about how she might favor your brother over you. You're an adult now, in charge of your own fate.
My mom gave my brother more attention to me, but that was because she felt he needed it more and thought I was more independent. That's another way of thinking about it. So stand up straight and when she brings you down, simply tell her you do think you're suitable for the task.
Lastly, instead of being brought down by her scepticism, use it to fuel your desire to prove her wrong. Show her what a great teacher you can be. This is your passion, your desire and nothing stands in the way of reaching it except you.
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