When I picture my future I don't see anything

A male age 36-40, *4s3 writes:

Argh. I'm gonna try and make it as short as I can. I'm 24 sitting in my parent's house who I don't really like cause they're selfabsorbed damaged controlling narcissists and the family is pretty much broken and they don't take any blame for it. They sabotage any attempt of me and my sister to become independent...that's a big thing in this whole deal I guess...So I sit here all day watching youtube, or reading whatever on the internet...waiting for someone to contact me over facebook, or e-mail...none of my old friends contact me, or they contact me but I'm too afraid to fully answer about what I'm doing etc., or meet up with them cause of what I have become...a complete reclusive weirdo really...and I have no idea how the hell I ended up here. I'm usually a guy who doesn't like people who pity themselves and whine. I was a funny outgoing guy in school and would often hang out with older people.( I know, supercool oO ) Just want to stress the transformation here. I was shy at first, but when I warmed up to some people, then it kind of snowballed from there and I was outgoing and confident with other people in the school. But I'm sitting here and my former self or sense of identity has been unraveling the last couple of years. I have absolutely no clue about myself anymore. I don't reckognise myself anymore. I have lost complete touch somehow, I wonder why none of my old friends contact me, although I always went by the rule, rather a couple of real friends, then many fake ones..not a peep from them and I thought I was really close with a couple of them...Even worse, on facebook you can see them answering others, while ignoring your posts. It's weird and you think there's something inherently wrong with you, or real friendship doesn't exist and it's all lies and that leaves you wondering, well what's the use...I tried being real friends with these guys and as soon as they move on they drop you like nothing and find their next moron to fill their time. Well...anybody who was willing to read all that shit won't mind me driveling on a little bit, ( I hope) The thing is...cause of my father's job I have been traveling aroung with him ever since I remember...every 4 years the whole family moved to a completely different country. My memory of my past is a complete scramble of little bits and pieces. I don't have any roots, I can't really say...This is where I come from and that's who I am...I lived a nomad's life basically, finished school and got dropped of in Germany, where my dad's from...like...go make something out of yourself son. My father is a complete fucking narcissist egomaniac asshole, nearly psychotic even...he's a politician...he never helped me, or even had a normal conversation with me...ever. If he talks he puts on a mask and talks all grandiose,loud and allknowing. You can tell it's a weird shortlived show somehow and when the mask comes off he's just this hateful guy who never talks and ignores your very existance, unless he makes fun of you or needs someone to do something for him. If you criticize anything he does he will look at you with complete disgust for days. I don't know how to explain it. Being in the presence of my parents is a weird corrosion of your identity to begin with. They have constant need for you to feel inferiour to them. I thought I'd pretty much protected myself from it, but judging by my current situation apparently not. So...Here I was age 19, in Germany, no idea how anything worked, or what I had to do to get insurance, anything basically. My sister organized a dormroom for me though and helped me with the university application. I don't know simple things where local people of course look at me as though I'm a complete moron. Im half tunesian, so Im a "foreigner" which doesnt help much, cause Germans are kind of racist. So me not knowing basic stuff about how things work means Im another annoying ignorant dumbass immigrant or whatever. I have no idea where my talents and interests lie, cause I couldn't develope any being dragged along every 4 years, coping with the new surroundings, new school, new people. I started out being very good in school, especially math and physics but by the third or fourth move I was behind in the new school and got increasingly shittier marks. The only thing that really mattered to me at that point ( 14 -16 ) and that I was good at was soccer and I had a pretty good shot at going pro, or semi-pro, cause at the time we lived in Germany, but we moved again...to China, cause my father doesnt give a fuck about what I did and I think that was the final blow and the beginning of my current situation. I was 15 then...after that I gained 20 kgs in one month, started smoking and drinking. I managed to finish school, but something was missing in those last years of school. So...Everything I started that mattered to me and I was good at, was taken away from me like it never even was. I broke off university cause I couldnt keep up. I went to the German army and ever since then I've been seriously depressed but unwilling to admit it I guess. Cause, I don't like to pull the racecard, but in the army it was pretty obvious. I look like an arab, although Im completely German and with the war going on I guess they had extrareason to dislike me. It was the first time strangers managed to break me down to where I started crying infront of other guys. At that point I was extremely vurnerable anyway so I guess it wasn't hard for them. The officers singled me out and even the other recruits noticed. When I picture myself in the future now I don't see anything. I feel completely useless, powerless and broken. My thoughts are empty. The one thing I could count on was my logic and creativity. But now...as I said in the beginning. I sit in my room psychologically damaged from the army...which was the final blow. I stumbled before that and that shit knocked me down to the ground and tore something in me. I act like an obedient slave now...which would be a good soldier, but in real life that mentality is not so handy...I don't know what to do. It's all a big scramble. I feel like giving up. Funny how life turns out.

View related questions: depressed, facebook, move on, shy, the internet, university

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A male reader, n4s3  +, writes (8 September 2010):

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