A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling to understand a man i am seeing on a regular basis,we have been together for years,yet not once has he told me he loves me yet he know's i love him very much.What i don't understand is he is always telling me i am his darling lady,how happy i make him and how much he misses me when we are apart,and that he couldn't live without me.he treats me well and is very attentive,we have a very fulfilling sex life and we get along great together.But i need some love in my life and i guess like most women i'd like to be told now and again that i'm loved,but when i mention the L word he clams up on me.Am i just a good friend or does he feel any love for me. or is all his talk just that. Talk and nothing else.I keep getting told i'm precious,beautiful,gorgeous,lovely,sexy,his sweetheart,the list goes on, but never a mention of love.what's wrong here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): For some people, me included, saying "I love you" is a very loaded phrase. In fact it can even be a very 'triggering' phrase, meaning it triggers lots of discomfort for some people to hear it or to have to say it. It has a lot of baggage. Many people do not feel that they can say that phrase without lots of consequences happening and thus they are very cautious. Other people think that if someone says that phrase to them, that bad things are going to follow.What bad things? well depending on their past experiences in past relationships and how their past partners took it to mean, I mean. For example, maybe in your bf's past relationships whenever he said "I love you" his partner then assumed this was a marriage proposal and things became ugly after that because of her pressure. Or maybe people think that if someone says "I love you" it means that now you "own" them and can control them and dictate their life. that's pretty scary isn't it? Other people use the term "I love you" to manipulate you. Maybe his past partner would do hurtful things and then tell him "since you said you love me, that means you should accept me the way I am no matter what horrible things I do to you" or something like that. Or maybe a past partner would say "If you truly loved me, you would....[fill in the blank with whatever manipulative agenda]".So you see, many people have experienced the words "I love you" to actually be code for something else which is not so positive. they might feel you are setting a trap for them by trying to get them to say "I love you". those words can also be cheap: my ex always said "I love you" yet he was cheating on me. For awhile I took him back but I then stopped saying "I love you" back to him because I didn't want to be a liar, even though he kept saying it. That phrase just lost all meaning to me. My next bf said "I love you" within a week or two of us falling in love! and he got hurt when my response wasn't "I love you too" but rather, "you can't be serious!"basically I think you know if someone loves you or not by their overall actions and overall demeanor. saying "I love you" is but just one way out of many, to express love and affection. That phrase is not the 'highest expression of love' or anything. in some ways it's lost all it's meaning...even my parents would tell me they loved me, only to then verbally abuse me and tear me down. (of course they claim that the verbal abuse is BECAUSE they love me which is why they get so upset at me when I don't live according to their approval...whatever)nowadays the only one whom I can say "I love you" to and not have to worry about whether it is code for something else, or manipulative or not, or what they are going to interpret it as, is my dog!
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (3 September 2013):
 More importantly; I think you FEEL loved!? As most of your senses are aroused and contented except for your hearing the ‘L’ word? Here he gives you the cream without the cherry on top, by using all the other words he’s comfortable with.
But if we could swap our partners mannerisms, you’d hear it from mine and I wouldn’t struggle not hearing it from yours, which is how we’re all different. Yet my fella says it because he learnt how important it was to his ex, although he didn’t feel comfortable and was sporadic in saying it to her when they were together. Yet now I’m the one who gets the reward of hearing it. Should I be grateful for a lesson learnt when I’m more content to receive loving actions that prove ones love of me? Absolutely!
Yet here I am envious to hear those (extra) words that you hear; precious, beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, and sexy, his sweetheart, and the list goes on.
For me; I’d simply ask him next time he mentions you are sexy, beautiful etc. by inquisitively asking, “Sweetheart, is that your way of saying you love me?” :)
CCA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I dated a man who took 7 months to say it. I never knew how important those words were to me. I actually ended the relationship, because I thought if he doesn't love me by now, he may never. We were apart a month, then he finally said it.
If you've been with him that long, I would come out and ask, do you love me or not - maybe he won't have a problem saying yes. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I am in the same boat, but I disagree with the others. A man KNOWS how important it is to a woman, he knows he has to at least say it once ... mine has yet to say it 2.5 yrs and I grow increasingly more impatient ... yes actions matter more but honestly it's three friggin words, don't let the men off that easy ladies ...he should at least say it ONCE.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 I learned with my current spouse as compared to the last spouse that ACTIONS speak louder than words.
My last husband said "i love you" all the time but he was selfish with his money... and he lied to me about things and when push came to shove he choose himself over me and our marriage.
My current husband is a total jerk. BUT the man loves me more than anyone has ever loved me in my entire life. HE just NEVER says it. He even told me early on "I will NEVER say "i love you" and he does not say it... well he does we will be married a year next month and I have heard him say "I love you" exactly 3 times. "I love you too" comes out but not at an appropriate time (not when I've said I love you to him)... BUT hearing it means NOTHING if he's not showing it.
"I love you" said while texting other women is BS.
"come here and cuddle on the couch baby" said NIGHTLY and MEANT... means way more to me.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (3 September 2013):
Is there a reason in his past that he struggles with the "L" word? Have you asked him what his difficulties is with this word?
At times, I think the word "Love" is "abused". People saying it and not meaning it.
I think your guy loves you. I think his other words indicate that he loves you. Have a serious conversation about it. Don't corner him to say it. Let that come from him.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 September 2013):
 He SHOWS you he loves you and that's much better than just saying it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I have a friend whose significant other, never uses the 'L' word either. What I do know, is that actions speak volumes. Actions speak much louder than words. His actions show he loves you, so I would suggest to you, that you enjoy, embrace and love that. I have been in relationships, where my partner said he loved me, but treated me terribly, and I was miserable. He may struggle with saying the 'L' word, if he was bought up with his parents not using it. My parents rarely ever said the 'L' word to me, not until I was in my 30s, because their parents didn't say it to them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Maybe nothing is wrong...You would like to hear the words, as most of us women want, but sometimes you have to realise some men can't due to various reasons: either the way they were brought up, a possible dysfunctional family, abandonment, fear, overuse, etc.What matters more is their ACTIONS! Would you rather have a guy who shows you through actions that he loves you or a guy who says the words but may not really mean them?I speak from experience - after all these years I'm in a very happy relationship however my man has also never said the words. I'm very romantic and I will wait until forever to hear those 3 words, however, it means more to me that he show me he loves me in every other way possible. His thoughtfulness, his caring, his open and honest communication, his golden heart, his true loyalty, his faithfulness, his consistency, his love. I know he loves me, he just hasn't said the words, but I know and feel it every day, in every way. The day to day things he does, the thoughtful surprises showing he was thinking of me, or cares. How he supports me through the tough times or the happy times. I can cry or laugh, it's all welcomed. I can be myself. I have grown as an individual with him. I have matured. I have blossomed. All because of him, who he is, what he means to me, how he treats me. Don't think it's money - he has little. It shows you how happy you can be with a simple life in a very good relationship.On the other side - you can have a guy who says I LOVE YOU every day, and be the biggest liar in the world. Not everyone will, but I've had the guy who said I love you, got me the red roses, did the "expected romantic things" of bought cards, showy things, yet he ended up being the biggest liar and cheat which I never expected. He took me for granted, I began to stagnate in that relationship without realising it, and only once I ended it did I realise how happier I was without him which at the time I didn't know. Hindsight can give great clarification. I learnt my lessons, and moved on.Now the man I'm with, THE ONE, may not say those 3 words of I Love You, but he expresses it every day. I'm happy, I feel treasured, even small thoughtful things like he will get me my favourite snack items or cooldrink when I least expect it. That is romantic to me now. When he says in an sms "I miss you" means more to me than the I love you, because I know he is thinking of me, and truly misses me because we love being together, doing everything together but we have a healthy balance and when I am elsewhere I get the thoughtful words. When he is busy yet will drop everything if my car has a problem, that is love for me. When he knows he will be away 2 weeks and gets me a bunch of entertainment options, like books which he knows I love, and things I've always wanted to do, that is love to me.So perhaps you need to think of what you HAVE, versus what you don't have. You say he treats you well and is attentive, and all the other positive things you mentioned. Dwell on those, and focus less on the words which we know sometimes is a problem for them. In my case, he came from a dysfunctional family, yet it's as if he didn't because he is so well balanced, loving and caring. He just doesn't utter the words. I know he was forced to say it in the past to previous girlfriends - and I never want that. When he puts a heart symbol on an sms, that means more to me. It is what he can and wants to share of his heart, not what is expected by society.Lastly, go check out Cerberus article where he tells us:"Women: Actions Speak Louder Than Words" go read that article, it's very very true!Be Happy :)
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