A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a male friend with whom I email and communicate quite often. He´s GI married to another GI. They live across the country. He shares a little bit of their life but in a very general way.What makes me feel uncomfortable is the fact that whenever I mention his wife in a conversation, email, etc. he changes subject or vaguely addresses her. I would understand if I knew they were having problems or whatever. But, in their case he says he´s happy. I have male married friends with whom I can freely talk and ask about their wives with no problems and they talk as a normal thing. But I don´t feel free to talk about her with him.I don´t know her and neither does she, I´m his friend only. That´s why I would like to know how safe is to mention his wife or how free I might be to have his friendship. If he doesn´t like to talk about her with me, worst to even have the chance to meet her and be their friend.He has 2 kids from a previous marriage and he talks about them freely though. I feel like if it's wrong of me asking about her like if I am a mistress, which I'm not.What would you recommend, should I stop mentioning her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): Dear anon female. I am hoping i am not wrong in stating you you also posted this but it was differently titled on the 21 May 2009. “Is there anything wrong with being a long distance friend, to a married man?” I responded here with a lengthy comment regarding your relationship/friendship with this married man. If this is a different person wanting advise on the similar subject, then i apologise in advance.
My question to you is, do you feel like a mistress, like you are in fact this man’s secret. Obviously his wife doesn’t know about you and you are now uneasy in asking about her. By not acknowledging her existence it makes your so called friendship sustainable – meaning, nobody has to get hurt, we are just friends, talking, emailing etc. It is like we are doing nothing wrong. Yet, deep down i think you know what has been happening here. I think if you are brutally honest (even if you only admit it to yourself) you know that lines are now starting to blur. How do your friend perceive this relationship. I am sure they have also commented about their unease, and that they suspect more than just ‘friendship”. Sometimes we state we are having just a friendly relationship/friendship, we deceive ourselves in thinking we are mere friends. In actual fact we know it is just so much more.
“What would you recommend, should I stop mentioning her?” how about stop communicating with her husband. You are an external force trying to manipulate your way into their private lives, all in the guise of friendship. You are doing wrong in communicating daily with a married man. You need to force yourself in acknowledging the truth about this relationship. You are deliberately becoming the 3rd party in his marriage. You need to stop before this blows up in your face. And it will . you know your relationship is just not friendship.
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