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female
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*melia
writes: Please help me I am ina real dilemma.I got married 8 months ago to a really caring nice man who is 8 years younger than me, but I will be truthful, he has never been my ideal man looks wise although I find him attractive but we have always got on brilliantly and its so easy with him, he's never played games and will always do whatever I want. During that time and two years before I have been attending my local gym and spotted this chap who is visually my perfect man. He make smy heart thud every time I see him. He has always been with what looked like a long term girlfriend and they always seemed really together. Anyway a month ago I was out in town for mu husbands birthday in a club and this chap walked passed and I recognised him (having never spoken to him before) and said hello. I told him we were out for my husbands bday and pointed over to my husband and asked him where his girlfriend was and he said they split up months ago. I felt physically sick as though I really wished I was not married, really strange feelings of wanting to be with this man. Anyway my husband came rushing over and jealously said what was I doing and emabrassed I made a quick exit barely saying goodbye to the chap. My husband later caused a massive scene grabbing my face and threatening me (he was very drunk) and saying why was I humilaiting him in front of his friends? (he is 8 years younger than me). After this night I started to feel really unsure about my husband. Three weeks later I bumped into this chap again in the same club (this time not with my husband) and out with girls. We basically spent the next two hours locked in conversation and I felt a total connection with him. Not only was he gorgeous but we got on like a house on fire. His friend put my number in his phone as the chap in question didnt have his phone and I am sure because I was married he didnt feel it appropriate to take mu number. Anyway he has been texting me as we both work in the wedding industry and he has offered to build me a website. I also saw his friend in the gym recently who asked when we were out next. I cant stop thnking about this chap. I ahev lost my appetite, I have dreams of being with him and my marriage is really suffering. Please please help me - this chap doesnt have a clue how I feel about him, and that i would consider leaving my husband and take the risk of the possibility of being with him. I have told him I think he is stunning on that night out and he has said he think I am absolutely stunning too. My sister who was out with me that night said she has never seen such a connection between two people and that she still thinks my husband is a bit too young for me. I am so torn I cannot sleep with my husband. Please please help me and tell me what to do.
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female
reader, RedinSD  +, writes (23 February 2009):
I'm with you. My husband is shorter than I am. I told my best friend not to let me date him for that reason because I knew it would bug me. I also wasn't that attracted to him that much but he is a fantastic person so I grew to love him. He's the best husband ever. We've been together 7 years, married for 2. I've never even looked at another guy...until recently. One of his friends has recently broken up with his girlfriend. We bowl with this guy so I see him every week. I liked him before (even before I was married) but never gave it a thought becuase he and I were both in relationships. So now he's single and I feel this incredible chemistry between us. I think he does too becuase he flirts with me all the time. We are getting close real fast under the disguise of friendship. From what I'm guessing one of three things will happen. 1) You will start staying away from the guy and leave him alone. It's amazing how quickly you forget about him when he's out of site out of mind. That is the only way to really get him out of your head. 2) He will meet someone else and you will eventually get over it. This is what I'm hoping will happen with my guy. 3)You will break your vows and be with this guy. Then you'll realize what you've lost and regret it or he'll get bored with you and you'll be alone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): Look, I'm married and I can attest to the fact that every married person doesn't have blinders on when it comes to other good looking people. However, I'll do you a favor (or maybe a dis-service in your eyes) and predict your future for you. You are going to divorce a husband who treats you well, loves you for who you are and respects you. You will have a mad, passionate love affair with the person whom you think you have this crazy connection with. Then he's going to get bored, find the next hot thing down the line and cheat on you. Either that, or, based on what could potentially be your history, you cheat on him. Never-ending cycle. People have no commitment these days. It's sad really. Then we wonder why we end up sad and alone in the long run. Is it really any wonder?
Work on your marriage baby, talk this out with your husband. Let him know what you need, and just the same, be the person he needs. You obviously married him for a reason, right? The long term pain a short spurt of passion can create is not worth it. In the moment you'll tell yourself anything to believe it's worth it, but you'll see ...it's not.
Don't listen to the world on this. The world is obviously NOT the place to go for relationship advice. Stand out in the crowd. Do something different. Be a committed wife who communicates with her husband.
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A
female
reader, *lola* +, writes (1 July 2006):
 I think that you shouldn't go out with somebody because of their looks. Personality is more important. If this guy you like hasn't got a nice personality then it's not good.
*lola*
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (30 June 2006):
 If you are not happy with your husband then leave the marriage and if you were 100% happy then you would not be looking elsewhere. But leave the marriage before you start anything with gym man or anyone else as it could be very nasty if your husband brings him into any divorce proceedings...best to start a new relationship on a clean slate. Of course you may find months into this new relationship that looks alone are just not doing it for you so think very carefully about walking away for good. You may have a fantasy about gym guy as a result of boredom in your marriage but he may not match that ideal in the long term. I don't think your husband's age should be an issue (there is a decade between me and my younger husband) and don't be overly influenced by your sister, or friends or anyone else - it is you and you alone who can make this decision, and they will just sit on the sidelines, gossip and watch the drama unfold in your relationship issues - it is not up to your sister to decide if your husband is too young as he is your partner and not hers and it is not up to your friends to encourage this relationship by handing out phone numbers...this has to be about what you want rather than getting carried away with their ideas.
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A
female
reader, amelia +, writes (30 June 2006):
amelia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear M3T,
Thanks a male opinion is really valued and is probably the answer my own husband would want. He is a lovely guy and I know that but I cannot change my feelings and I hate myself for the butterflies and the feelings of excitement at the thought of seeing this other guy. Its more than just lust, I have met many really good looking guys and have never ever thought of straying in the 3 years we have been together. Making this decision is the hardest one I have ever had to do and I know if I leave its not just my husband who will be devastated - my family will be really shocked and hurt too - my parents especially. If I could turn back the clock and not have got married I think i would. I think you are right though I need to follow my heart and lying is not good. I will endeavour to reveal my feelings to this guy and see where the land lies. I cannot live a lie if these feelings exist. x
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A
female
reader, ×KiTTy× +, writes (30 June 2006):
Dear amelia this cant be easy for you but you should think carefully about it.are u just attracted to this other chap coz of his looks?You say that your husband is caring so does his age really matter?remember balloons are pretty but theres nothing inside.who are u willing to be with when ur 80?Looks fade.good luck!
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A
male
reader, m3t4lh34d +, writes (30 June 2006):
 You need to follow your heart, there's no point living an lie because in the long run it will eventually get out and will hurt your husband more than if u told him sooner, you need to speak to this other guy to see if what you had was just because your lusting him or if he really is the one you want and you need 2 make sure in ur own head that if u do this will you be happy, this is a tough decision to make and i for one would hate to be in ur situation but you need to be straight with both of them because lying to them and urself just because u don't want 2 hurt someone will end up hurting them more, i hope things work out for you, just remember its your life and you deserve to be happy like everyone else so don't let things stop you from being happy
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