A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:An update on my situation...I have been friends with this guy for three years now, and when I left school he gave me his email address and told me that he would like us to remain friends. I emailed him about a month ago and he replied a few days later with enthusiasm and warmth. However, after my third email, there was dead silence for over two weeks. Well, I wrote him another email (very short), joking that maybe he never got the first one, answering his message, and asking him a question to give him a reason to reply. Well, he replied a few days afterward, apologizing for the late reply and citing that he was on the road, had received my first email, but had forgotten to reply. The email seemed generally happy-go-lucky, and he even said that he hopes I am doing well. But, I am hurt because it took him so long to reply and he had specifically stated that he had simply forgotten to reply. If he really liked me, this would not have occurred, right? Well, he asked me a question, ensuring that I can reply to it... but I have my pride.I really like him, and I do not want to be with anyone else. However, he seems to not feel the same. I bet that if I hadn't sent him that second one, he would have never replied, or it would have been another month!I don't know what to do...I do not have his phone number, so that is not an option. Should I reply now, wait a few weeks, or wait a month, or never reply?Thanks... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 Poster, I missed something: yes, love is self-denying.
However, try to live on your own. You can't rely on anyone else to give you strength to live. You need to find it inside of yourself. Otherwise, how could you love anyone?
Love is more about giving than receiving, and I'm glad you know this.
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 July 2007):
Poster, I'm glad I helped you. I told you what I wished I had done in a similar situation which, as you can assume, didn't end well. I hope my mistake will help you.He is not mean for not reciprocating your love. Sometimes we love a person to bits but they don't. This is what you need to find out. When you do, you'll be able to behave in a way that won't hurt anyone.If you think you can be his true friend, go ahead. He might tell you about his girls, though; think if you can manage that.I believe, though, that in this case, the worst situation would be one in which you two cannot relate to each other because YOU LOVE HIM. If you can be his friend, and you can move on, then you might have a very good relationship with a person whose virtues attracted you in the first place.If you manage to be his friend, you could find a treasure. I honestly hope you can.And, if he loves you, or comes to love you with time... do I need to say anything?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): This is the person who asked the question. Danielepew, your advice is very thoughtful. The truth sometimes hurts, and you revealed through the haze of my blind love the possible darker side to this situation, the possibility that he does not return my affection.Indeed this is possible. In fact it is likely. I care about him to the point that I will gratefully except him even as a friend. I guess that is what love truly is. He has given me very little, but what remains is enough to keep me living. I will reply in a few days in the same cheerful manner you described, which in reality is the only way I can treat him, and I will never reveal to him how I feel unless he gives me just cause. Thank you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 July 2007):
The anonymous male has said what we men would do. Women are different.
You know, I'm making this story very long because, if you're not clear about where you stand, you could get him and you in a hell of a mess, and that wouldn't be nice.
Perhaps the direct question would be best, yes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): As far as I can see, you're 'beating around the bush' quite a bit. Why not ask him if he feels the two of you could wind up being more than 'just friends'? If yes, ask him for his phone number and/or address so that you could send him some of those soppy cards you see in card shops and write to him every so often - so much more personal than emails.
Phil
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 July 2007):
Well, some clarification is needed here.
You're asking whether you should reply to his e-mail. Your real question, however, is whether you should continue to e-mail him, since, in your opinion, he's not interested in a relationship with you anymore, as it took him very long to respond to your third e-mail, but he was very quick and happy to respond to the first.
The key here is, you are assuming he gave you his e-mail because he wanted a relationship with you. That might not be the case. Pay attention to the nuances of my words. I say "might", not "may". I'm afraid you are so in love with this guy that you might be making the very common, and human, mistake of assuming that this guy loves you as much as you love him.
If he doesn't love you, then you really have no pride to protect, as he won't really have done anything against your pride or you. Perhaps he indeed forgot to reply, specially if he was really out. That should not matter that much if you were only friends.
You're also assuming he would have never replied, or it would have taken him another month. Actually, you don't know what would have happened.
Now, I don't mean he might not have an interest in you. Perhaps he did, and lost it, or perhaps he still does. He answered you back with a question, so you can reply. That is at least a sign that he wants to communicate with you. My biggest concern is, you need to see clearly what is going on. If there is love, you should see it; if there isn't any, you should see that, too.
I know you don't see him as just a friend. You love him. I think you should try to remove your doubts whether he loves you or not, and, also, you should think carefully whether you'd want him as just a friend. Reply in a week, in a cheerful and friendly manner. If this he takes a long time to e-mail you back, that perhaps will be a sign he's not interested in your love.
Waiting can be extremely painful, especially if he should take long to answer your new e-mail, but it would spare you any embarrassment.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): I do not think you should reply, if he was really interested in keeping contact with you he would have given you his number. Email is so impersonal.
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