A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I need some advice about toddlers.My son is two and a half years old, he is chatting well, understands and asks for things by name, and knows when he wants something he asks or gives the indication for it, and repeats words, problem is that he is a bit hyper active and hit, and bites others and althou we do discipline him and spank him when he is naughty he turns back and shouts and hits back, and throws massive temper tantrims.We don't want to fall into a pattern of constantly hitting him, he is going to day care, and he loves to play but when he doesn't get his way he is uncontrollable and we need some advice as we are getting desperate as when we try discipline him he looks like he doesn't understand, and I feel at times that he doesn't understand, but at other I think that he is so samrt that he is playing us, and cries and manipulates us.What can we do? Thank you in advance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Ok I didn't mean the naughty step as go and sit on a spike or the hot pipes or put your hand out for the belt. But being put somewhere that he knows is where he goes and cools off is vital. His room or where-ever is convenient at the time. I realise that an open-plan concept can be difficult because you are aware of him and so he is of you. However, the fact that he laughs back in your face when you are trying to discipline him makes me think he doesn't actually understand that you raising your voice, spanking him or saying the word no means anything. I remember buying books for my daughter about being selfish, being hurtful and discussing it as a third party (the character in the book). It helps but it isn't the answer. Tell him you love him, how important he is to your family, tell him how you felt when you were expecting him, why you chose his name, what you felt when he was born and what and how you feel of him now. Clearly shouting or raising your voice at him has no effect. How often does he go to day-care? He may need to go more often if you can afford it. That sounds harsh but my daughter learnt alot from watching other children being disciplined and what to do and not what to do. Feeling isolated at school when you've done something wrong feels worse than at home. If he does the smallest of things, like smiles at you, tell him how you feel when he smiles, kiss and hug him. When you have good times together tell him how that has made you feel. I would read a great book for parents called "What to expect when expecting" and another one of the same ilk for what to expect afterwards, the latter is the one I would advise for you all. Also remove any objects that can become destructive like balls etc. They are for outdoors only. Try getting some family games you can all play together. He may be a bit young but Twister was a hit with my daughter at the same age even if she didn't get the rules. Hope that helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): Hello, thanks to everyone, for all the brilliant answers, they are very much appreciated.
He is very smart but he hasn't reached that stage where he seems to know what yes is or no, I think...
For example, we say, Johnny** give daddy a kiss, or clap your hands... etc.. he does it.
However when we say, Johnny, NO, that's not nice, you are being naughty, stop it! He thinks it's the funniest thing and he laughs back, and screams, and that's where I sometimes think that he doesn't understand those commands!
We have a serious tone, and serious firm face, but he thinks it's a joke, and spits, and when we discipline him, he cries then hugs us, and we fall for it every time, untill he does it again several minutes later.
Our apartment is open plan, and we doen't have a place that we could label as the naughty corner because he doesn't keep still, we tell him to stay and he gallabants all over the show and we shout, then he shouts back, and laughs, therefore causing us to think he doesn't comprehend, but then again other commands he understands.
We've become very frustrated that we just let him do as he pleases which is very bad, but we're lost and want to handle him properly for him to well behaved, and disciplined.
I agree with involving him in daily tasks, but he doesn't seem capable, because he does his own things. He plays with the ball indoors and when we take it away, he has a temper tantrim, and kicks and shouts... and makes a sceen when we switch the tv off.
What am I doing so horribly wrong?
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A
female
reader, katrinadeon +, writes (26 April 2007):
 hi i have an 18 month old daughter and i think she is going through the 'terrible twos' already. i agree with everything the other readers have said (apart from the naughty step, he is too young for that)here are a few things i have tried with my daughter which seems to calm her down; i have stopped giving her squash she now has either pure fruit juice, plain water or flavoured water(you can buy the bottles for kids) i have also started giving her omega 3 fish oils which helps concentration (i have to give it to her by oral syringe as it does taste disgusting she wont take it off the spoon) also i read that certain fruits can make your child hyper, grapes being one of them which my daughter loves ao i cut down on the amount she was eating.just remember to stand firm. i think one of the main reasons children play up especially toddlers is down to fustration your son sounds very bright and able to communicate well but there are still things he doesnt know how to say or how to tell you hes feeling. just be calm and patient or if thats impossible make sure he is safe and leave him for a few minutes to give you all a chance to calm down.i hope this helps xx
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (26 April 2007):
 That was a really good answer from annon, before.
Having been through this with my son who is now almost 20. Believe me, I thought no one could be as bad as him. He was in trouble constantly from the age of two, and I seriously can say that although I loved him, my life with him was hell. It stoped at the age of 18, but between the age of 14-17 I wanted to kill him. Terrible thing to say I know, but I got in such a state I couldn't cope.
The funny thing is, his sister who was 7 years older, I never had a days trouble with. Looking back, I now know exactly what I did wrong, but its taken me some time to get there. And of course I feel terrible for the way it was.
Its all a question of patience, with my daughter I had loads, and with my son I had none. As he would scream to get his own way, I would give in to shut him up. I would give him sweets and all the wrong foods, just to try to stop him being naughty. And I let him watch T.V all the time, and thats not a good idea. Of course children are like sponges, and they soak up everything around them, so if you start to spoil them and they get there own way, of course they will try it again.
I never did this with my Girl and she is, and was, so lovely. She has always been so well behaved.
You are the parent, and his future is up to you. I agree shouting and smacking constantly does no good what-so-ever. But being firm and sticking to your guns when you say no, is the way forward.
You say that he likes to play with other children, and he sounds very bright. Make the most of this, and get him involved with some kind of hobbie. Most of the best behaved kids I know, go to dance classes, sailing or something they enjoy with mum and dad, that they can develope into. They are never to young to get involved, and believe me you will see a massive change in his behaviour. Dont make the same mistakes that I did, you owe it to your little boy.
By the way, my son turned out to be a top barber. And is now fantastic. But I wish I had turned his life sooner.
Good Luck, and remember his future is in your hands.
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female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (26 April 2007):
and yes he knows exactly what he is doing to push your buttons...he knows what sends you over the edge, how to get your attention...unfortunately he sees you smacking him as attention. This is the wrong kind of attention he is seeking and I am sure you don't want to just interacte with him like this. If he is able to ask for things, knows what he wants then treat like a child who you have identified as being pretty smart. Keep calm, talk to him face to face as I said, and you will see a massive change. You need to talk to him when he is not throwing a temper tantrum, and ask him what he likes doing, what he likes doing with Mum, Dad, what does he want to do more of and involve him in his behaviour, like the star chart and then at least he will see it is visible, go to the store buy the stickers with him, draw the chart with him there, and it doesn't seem like a rule. Let him see you trust and think he is grown up and that you know he understands a lot more.. Give him some small jobs, he will think it is a huge deal. Give him lots of love, affection and let him know you know what your doing, at the moment he is seeing disorder so he is smart enough to let you see that it upsets him. I hope I haven't been too upfront...but I know what it is like. I am a Mum and I don't tolerate misbehaviour even when her friends are over. I am firm and I keep my instructions simple so they get it straight away, I don't rant on how or why. Keep it simple and let them know you are the parent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): First of all, you need to talk to him face to face, get down on your knees, think about what you look like to him looking down on him. Don't raise your voice but make sure you speak to him a firm voice, you can enuciate without yelling. Yelling, shouting, hitting, chasing each other is what he thinks is normal because he sees adults doing it. He is biting because he is frustrated that he is scolded by you both for behaviour that he sees from you. He must be incredibly confused and remember he doesn't have your vocabularly to express how he feels, so he bites. Also stop spanking him, if you want him to behave better then set an example. I know it is incredibly difficult because it can be so hard to keep your cool. It is a terrible pressure on you and your relationship with your husband and other family members. You think everyone is judging you the parents, for not having control. You need to not threaten, it doesn't work.
You need to sit him on the naughty step for 2 1/2 minutes, every minute for his age, usually the bottom of the stairs. If he runs off and starts acting up, you don't say anything, you sit him back down, and you tell him why he is there. Tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable in this house or anywhere and he has to learn to know that no one is going to tolerate it. End of story, don't put him down by saying that the day care won't want him. Tell him that you love him very much but that respect and treating people kindly is very important. Also give him some responsibilities. Let him carry his school bag to the car, put the dishwasher tablet in the dishwasher, make a star chart for him, gold and silver stars for good behaviour. When he acts badly you don't react, shout, just put him in his place, quietly and consisely and tell him in an authorative voice that he will continue to sit on the naughty step until he realises his behaviour is unacceptable and never never differ on opinions between you and your husband in front of him, he will see the division. Tell him gentle touches are nice, give him lots of affection and praise, he needs to build confidence and understand that behaving well is something he sees from his parents and his behaviour will change. Make just one spot that he knows is his naughty place. Talk to your husband about consistency and supporting each other. Hitting, smacking etc is only going to make him to the same thing. He is loosing his cool, like you guys. You wouldn't like to be grabbed or hit, so don't do it. Hope that helps.
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