A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:"OPs own title" when guys says he loves a girl so much ..... do they really mean it?when my boyfriend is saying me I love u more than you love me ...that's because (I don't allow him to kiss me or hug me) he says me I love him less?its going to be now 4 months of our relation and he wants a physical relation like kiss and all when I'm not comfortable or don't want it right now before marriage as in my culture its like girls and guys cant do anything like it before marriage.... and he also knows this but he says (cant you do this also for me)....and I'm not even sure will he be my life partner or not as we are completely from different nationality....and we fought many times for this....when ever this topic comes out, He always asked me to do this and that and to say him everything and I do it except kissing or hugging any kind of physical thing: I talk to him I respect him I listen to him he gives me restrictions also and I follow those....and many more but he doesn't do anything like what ever I do listen to him...and he always jokes around with me like he doesn't talk to me and all that when I get nervous n angry he comes n says I was just joking why do you take it seriously, but then he jokes all the time when he knows I don't like joking all the time. I respect him.......am not understanding what does he really want from me?am confused he isn't trying understanding a single thing......... I'm always hurt when he shows he isn't talking to me he stops me from doing many things n I stop also still he thinks i love him less or I don't love him the way he does what did he do for me? that I will say he loves me the most? calling me everyday with his credit n not mine is this the thing mean that he loves me or he saying I need to kiss u this?this 2 thing shows that he loves me the most or what .....What am i suppose to do?in this situation m not able to be happy at all I always stay lively but now m kinda quite from few days I don't know why??? please help me out please.........
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 I'm glad we have been able to help you. We all wish you the best! Don't forget to keep, and maybe print, these emails so that you have evidence for your complaint.......
Let us know how it goes when you take action!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks a lot 4 understanding my situation your ideas n suggestion gave me strength ...... m actually 17 years old n he is 20..........
i ll try out something thank u so much .........
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (26 May 2010):
When he tells you that if you leave him he will never marry anyone else, you know what? That is nothing but a lot of nonsense. Don't pay it any attention. It's just one more example of the way he is trying to control you!
As Caring Guy said, what you have to understand about this person (how old is he, by the way?) is that he will NEVER CHANGE. He shows every sign of being an abusive man, and if you allow him, there will be nothing ahead for you but unhappiness. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL RESPECT YOU, AND VALUE YOUR THOUGHTS AND IDEAS, SOMEONE WHO WILL TRUST YOU AND GENUINELY CARE FOR YOU AND LOVE YOU!
SOMEONE WHO IS RIGHT FOR YOU WILL ABIDE BY YOUR WISHES WHEN YOU TELL HIM 'NO" whether your "no" concerns sex before marriage, or anything else. A GOOD guy may be disappointed when he hears "No" but he will (eventually) accept your decision. To say this another way, the right man for you honors and respects you. In good relationships, two people not only enjoy one another's company, but when difficulties or disagreements arise - as they always do, sooner or later - what happens is that you BOTH talk with the other freely and openly, WITHOUT feeling that you have to watch what you say because you are afraid (this is important!) and your friend/husband LISTENS and talks it over with you, WITHOUT trying to make you feel "down" or bad, or guilty.
The many you've been describing is definitely not "Mr. Right" for you - but I'm sure you know hat only too well!
Finally, I just called a local Islamic Center and spoke to a man on the phone about your dilemma - just in general, and that you are at University in the UAR - because, as I said before, I don't know much about the culture over there and felt at a loss to know how to assist you. He was understanding and recommended that you not be scared to tell your parents, but talk to your Mother first and let her talk to your Dad.........just tell your Mother the truth. Your family should be the first people to help you.
If not, he said, you could talk to someone in authority at your university who will have the power to get your "friend" off your back and see to it that he does not pose a threat to you.
One final thought from me: if you need to (because when you complain to your Mother or a teacher at the university he will most likely deny everything and say you are accusing him wrongly) you might want to print out these emails to back up the truth of what you have written to us.
I hope this helps. Write again if you need to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question.......M scared of him because yes he might harm me but i don't know how he even says me this that if u leave me i will never marry any one n i cant marry any one u r my angel n u r very special 4 me u cant leave me i cant stay without u ..... as i told him no 4 physical kind of thing i said him its not allowed in Islam also we r Muslims..... n i cant say my parents about this as u know if i say my parents they may get angry on me......as i cant say them anything i have to do everything by myself...
what ever my parents have taught me till now i dint go beyond my limits i dint .. n i told him this also but still he is like u can stay with me i ll try making u mine n all that..... he says he ll try what if he doesn't what ll i do where will i go just help me how to do all this by my own self u all can help me please...........
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 May 2010):
A guy saying he loves you is one thing. Any man can say that he love you at any time. But to really test a man, you have to watch his actions. A man's actions tell you more than his words will. He may SAY that he loves you. But his actions say that he's using you for sex and is controlling you.
The thing you now have to understand is that this man WILL NOT change. There is nothing you can say, and nothing you can to change him or make him see that he's treating you badly. It's essential that you get away from him. He won't change, and this is the sign of an abusive man. I'm sure you are scared. So to end it, take him to a public place and have a friend nearby who can just be there if he gets nasty. Then just tell him that you need to move on and focus on your own life. Then cut contact.
Just dont' stay with him for another moment, because he will do nothing but abuse you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (26 May 2010):
You need to get this man out of your life. He is very controlling telling you you are not to speak to any stranger in the university. PERHAPS he is trying to protect you, BUT he is also trying hard to get you to give in to what he wants.
You say you listen to him; but he will not listen to you, and when you get angry or upset he turns round and says he was only joking. THIS MAN IS MANIPULATING YOU. His behavior is typical of a person who wants you to do whatever he tells you, regardless of what you might want!
He has no respect for you; treats you like a child who has can't make her own decisions and use her common sense.
Why are you scared? Let me ask you: are you afraid that if you end the relationship he will try to do you harm?
I really don't know much about life in the United Arab Emirates and what resources are available to help women and girls (and you are only 16) in your position. It would be good if you can find a good counselor to talk to, someone you can feel comfortable with and who is willing to really listen to your concerns.
Another question: are you both Muslim? If so, you might try pointing out to him that Muslims are not allowed to date.
You said you are normally soft-spoken. Why not try practising to be more assertive? It is something you CAN learn to do and boost your self-confidence and self-esteem, you know! Seriously, stand in front of a mirror and try talking to yourself the way you would like to talk to him.
Stand up straight, look yourself in the eyes, and speak louder than you normally would but be very firm; don't get agitated! Speak slowly but forcefully.
If you are scared of him you might need to get someone bigger and stronger to intervene who can tell him to leave you alone; someone in authority. He will most likely get indignant and deny everthing. He may even say you are fasely accusimg him. It would really help if you can first talk to a therapist or counselor - maybe you can go see your doctor and ask her to give you a referral?
I wonder: where are your parents or sisters and brothers? Can they offer any assistance? Anyway, it's up to your parents to protect you as their much-loved (I hope!) daughter.
I hope this is of some help! Let us know how it goes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfriends thanks for your replies......
this all gave me ideas about him.... but then one thing is wrong with me m a soft spoken person sometimes i speak hard when some limit is crossed but the thing is i dont know how to start and make him understand....
i told him many times NO NO n NO still he makes me feel down he says this shows how much u love me u cant even do this simple thing for me then what can u do it makes me depressed but still m not comfortable with it .......
i don't know how to end up i don't know how to start m scared also........ i dint want all this to happen....but its happening m not understanding whats right for me and the wrong thing.... he restricts me the way u said and more like you should not talk to any stranger guy in the university at all u r not allowed then he stops talking to me................suggest me more please
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (24 May 2010):
Look, if you are not comfortable with any sort of physical relationship - not even hugs or kisses - you should make it clear to him that getting physical is simpy not an option and you are not going to do so. It's something you need to say "NO" to and refuse to listen to his pleas, objections, attempts to make you change your mind. In fact, your attitude needs to be "NO means no. We are not going to discuss this any more. It is a closed matter."
And anyway, how do you feel about the restrictions he puts on you? (I suppose you mean as to where you go, friends you get together with, etc.?) He has no right to tell you what to do and what not to do.......where to go or who to see/visit......
Being from different cultures can lead to much unhappiness unless you are both flexible and open-minded. He most definitely is NOT open-minded! He sounds very controlling of you.....
I urge you to give very serious thought as to whether you want to continue this relationship. It does not sound good....you may need to end it.
If you do decide to finish with him, would you feel safe in doing so? Do you have family there who will support you if he takes being dumped badly?
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 May 2010):
 He's pressuring you into being physical. I know that it's frowned upon in your culture to be casually physical. Be as nice to him as you can, but be firm on what you can and can't do in a relationship. He needs to respect your wishes without suggesting that you don't love him enough.
That happens everywhere, the "If you loved me enough, you'd ______(fill in the blank)".
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A
female
reader, Keonna +, writes (24 May 2010):
 Well it depends on the guy...if you trust your guy and you know he'll never leave you or ridiculous reasons then yes they will mean it but if they leave or cheat or things like that...don't expect a real 'i love you'! and if you want your TSCBF ((totoally sex crazed boy freind)) to slow down with he whole kissing thing then you should sit down and talk with him.And maybe your like me and can't really put it into words.show him this link it will really just kinda show how you feeling.and if he isn't understanding try to put him in your shoes...like how HE wouldn't want to be pressured into kissing and all and how HE wouldn't want to rush and how HE wouldn't want to be misunderstood by his girlfriend! D-U-C-E-S
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