A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help in over coming insecurities.My boyfriend...well sober he is awesome. Drunk he is a complete ass. Im 5'1, I have long wavy red hair, blue eyes and Im overweight (a UK size 22). My boyfriend is 6'1, a brunette and slim, he is not overweight in the slightest.So Im already an insecure person because yeah I try to lose weight because Im incredibly unhappy about it but the reason behind it is medical and until the find a pill that works for my body its very very unlucky for me to lose a great deal of weight.Well when my boyfriend is drunk he suddenly starts checking out anything that moves almost, he comments on these females and goes on about body parts that look nice or whatever comes outta his mouth and it hurts ALOT. He even goes as far as flirting with half these girls and chats them up, which ofcourse also hurts. Why would he do this?? I mean sober he barely even looks yet when hes drunk you would think he was single from the way he acts and from many things he says.This obviously makes me feel like im not good enough and that he'd prefer me to look like some of these girls/women as their all almost always much thinner than I am.He also has a stash of nuts and zoo magazines. Most of them are from 2009 which he bought weekly after he split up with his 4 year girlfriend and then they stop when he got another and they were kept in a bag in the back of a spare wardrobe and then theres a few from last year when he split with the next one and then we started going out last november. I then moved in with him in march which is when I came accross this stash of magazines which honestly I dont like. Those girls make me feel awful cuz they all look perfect (yeah I know their photoshopped so they have better figures and skin etc but in real their still thin girls) but I cant help but think why do have them? why not bin them? Anyways he started reading them again to which I was like wtf why? you've read them before they havent changed and then he bought another one and read that and then another and I've argued a couple of times because I honestly dont like that he reads them but its just because I hate to think I cant compare to these girls. Anyways a few days back he cleaned things up and one of the things he did was put the bag of magazines into the loft/attic. Why on earth will he not just bin them?? its really not hard right?Nevertheless my mind is constantly in overdrive these days thinking that Im not good enough and I cant compare to any of these girls whom he keeps commenting on and looking at in magazines because Im soo much bigger and as a result of my medical condition my skin is horrible (I break out in rashes every so often and cant seem to get rid of my spots, and the thing I hate most is that I do have excess body hair) I look nothing like them and I want to look like them. Im not an ugly girl in the slightest but I feel ugly all the time just because fat is made to be ugly and my mother wasnt nice to me either during my childhood. Telling me im fat and ugly and no one will ever love me and I will be one of those ladies living alone with a bunch of cats and yeah I can go on but she was nasty to me.How do I get over this rut Im in? Im going to ruin my relationship. I am aware that my boyfriend really isnt helping me and I have talked to him but when it comes to him being drunk he doesnt believe that he does that (hes one of those who never remembers anything when he drinks) and also knows I want his magazines binned and is going to london in October to watch the american football and says things like I need to go buy binoculars so I can make sure I can watch the cheerleaders. He knows I hate him saying these things yet continues to, I dont know why? I need help on how to not let it bother me or what to do?
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acne, drunk, flirt, insecure, lose weight, moved in, overweight, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 Yes you do need help overcoming your insecurities, and though they do contribute to this problem you are having with your boyfriend... they aren't the cause.
Let me tell you, I am nowhere near perfect looking but I'm relatively secure. We all look at other people, and find other people attractive. That's normal, it happens. But if my boyfriend started pulling this, I would kick him. Hard.
The thing is, when your boyfriend (or girlfriend, if that were the case) starts commenting on other women in front of you, hitting on them, and saying he needs to buy binoculars so he can watch the cheerleaders... that's a problem with HIM, not you. Other than blatantly cheating on you, right in front of you, I can't think of anything more disrespectful in that sense. There are few people who would be okay with that, and being upset by this doesn't make you insecure.
Your issues you will need to work through on your own. I could sit here and stress to you that you're not fat and ugly, but would that make a difference? You need to know that yourself. It doesn't matter if you're a size 2 or a size 874837394... there's something beautiful about everyone. That includes YOU! Your mother was horrible to say those things to you, and I'm sorry you had to put up with that.
My suggestion is not to talk to your boyfriend, but to tell him that what he's been doing is wrong. He should have more respect for you than to hit on women IN FRONT OF YOU, and that if he can't control himself while he's drunk, he might consider cutting back on the drinking. It doesn't matter what you look like, hun, you deserve respect like anyone else does. You have to want that for yourself and accept nothing less.
If he doesn't change, you should probably move on. You don't need to be with someone who can't control themselves as that will surely lead to them doing other things that would hurt you even more.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): If he knows this stuff hurts you and yet he's still doing this, it's just, despicable, you seems like a nice girl, and i'm sure your very beautiful, those girls are all half starved, pilled up, and unhealthy, your a size 22 that's not too big, that's smaller than my ex and she didn't seem that big to me, look, if he cares, he will stop, if not, i think you might need to find a bf who really cares about you and loves you, if he really cared, he's listen to you, and not just blow it off, and he wouldn't say things that hurt you knowingly if he really cares, so, try to talk to him once more, and if it doens't work, well, it's up to you, but if it where me i'd leave him, hope this was helpful, have more faith in yourself you sound gorgeous miss, so don't feel so down.
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