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anonymous
writes: My husband confessed that he had been unfaithful. After much soul seaching and many tears on both sides we decided that we still loved each other and wanted to try and save our relationship.It has been a difficult time and he thinks that all is progressing well, but I still feel hurt and don't trust him at all. How do I forgive him? When does it stop hurting? I am trying, but it feels like I'm living a lie... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Nicki, writes (29 January 2005): I know how you feel, because this happened to me. My partner of 12 years confessed and like you we decided to try to put it behind us and make a go of the relationship. Unfortunately his idea of putting it behind us was to try to sweep it under the carpet and never discuss the issue again. I felt that, having forgiven him, we should try to at least discuss why he looked outside the relationship. I felt that I needed to understand why it had happened so i could be sure it wouldn't happen again. After trying for a year we eventually split up.I'm not saying there is no way to mend a relationship after someone has been unfaithful, but i do think that for trust to be re-built there has to be two-way communication. If your husband doesn't analyse why he strayed you can never trust him not to do it again.You have to realise that you don't have to forgive and forget straight away, and your husband has to understand that he has to EARN your trust again.I hope that you can sort this out together, because i don't think it can ever be solved by just one half of the marriage.
A reader, Kim, writes (27 January 2005): Hello there,I can't imagine how much this has taken out of you and how much hearing that he has been unfaithful.He shouldn't of done this and should of thought about how much it would hurt you, but they men don't seem to think like we do.But I must say the courage and love it must of taken to tell you the truth shows that he is less likely to do it again.He felt bad and after a wrong turn wants to make it right.Go with your instincts on this one and if you truly feel you cannot forgive, my best advice is to tell him but be strong and understand why and you will get through this.Good luck with everything, I hope you will forgive and be happy.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 January 2005):
 Hi there,I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're in over this. I'm glad that you felt your relationship was strong enough that you could try to get beyond the betrayal of your trust.There isn't any timetable that you have to obey in respect of getting past the hurt, because every person and every relationship is so different. It depends a great deal on how much effort each of you is putting into repairing the rift that allowed this to happen in the first place. When you decided you wanted to try to save your marriage, did either of you get any counselling? A neutral party who knows what both parties are going through can be a wonderful catalyst for improvement. If, on the other hand, you're trying to do-it-yourself, by ignoring the problem, or maybe by dealing with issues only as they come up, you may be inadvertantly hamstringing yourselves. There must have been an unaddressed problem in your relationship before this happened, that led to your husband cheating, and it sometimes takes a professional to recognise it, so you can both deal with it. DIY marriage counselling is a little like trying to perform your own appendectomy. You might have the steadiest hands and the steeliest resolve in the world, but if you can't _see_ the little bugger...The point I'm trying to make is that it's understandable that you're having a very hard time forgiving him and trusting him now, so it would definitely benefit you both to speak to someone who can listen to your concerns and fears and perhaps cut right to the heart of the matter.Speak to your husband, who appears to be unaware of how much you're going through, and tell him that you're not coping well. Ask if he'll see a marriage counsellor with you, but even if he won't there's value in going alone, so you can get another perspective on the dynamic of your marriage.Hope that this helps.
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