A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 months is not living with me but he seems to stay here at least 3 nights a week. He has not worked since I have known him, has had interviews for jobs but not getting anywhere (he is a very intelligent man and has a lot of qualifications-was schooled at a private school).I pay all the utility bills, buy and cook the food and he gets his clothes washed (I make him do his own ironing but still - my fuel) I don't want to sound mean, but I have recently lost my own job and have a child to support. He brings me lots of flowers, bottles of wine and cute gifts and leaves me love notes all around the house (from clintons). I told him as nice as it was, he should stop as it costs too much money and he cannot afford treats, he said he likes to buy me gifts.He told me he does not have any money (he had to move back to his parents after he split from his last girlfriend a year ago) he has no bills as such to pay.The other night he said he was popping out to buy me a bottle of wine, I told him I do not want wine, we needed meat for lunch the next day as I had 3 children and 2 adults to feed. I told him I have been footing the bill for 6 months now and he said when he gets a job he will help out with the bills and costs of living. He said he spends £20 a week in fuel to come and see me. I have my monthly gas and water bill to pay this week and I wont be able to afford to feed him all weekend. He would stay here 24/7 if I let him (he can't do enough for me and wants to do all my housework and sort the garden for me (what am I - Lady Chatterley? lol) but I get to the point where I get all sullen and need time alone with my child. He brings his children here every other weekend and they get fed/baths here obviously. I have turned the spare room into their own bedroom. His dad has stayed here the odd weekend (they live a quite a long way from me) his dad always gives me cash for meals and appreciates me cooking for him.I sound really mean don't I? When he was married his ex wife never worked, has never worked in her life and never will as she has a new husband who looks after her to act like lady muck now. (I'm not bitter, her life lol).
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ex-wife, flowers, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Stop washing his clothes.
Stop inviting him over for more than 1 day once a week.
Do not accuse him of being a freeloader, but state to him that you need the time to yourself and you like the space. If he presses on from there, you need to press him about some of the other issues that his behavior brings up.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2011):
 Guests like fish start to smell after three days...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): It's not mean. He is taking advantage of you. I understand that you are a kind person and wanted to help him get back on his feet, but it has gone to far. Give him a deadline to get a job (ANY JOB AT THIS POINT), maybe one more month, and start pulling his weight or he is out. You can't go through life babying a full grown man, especially when you have your own children to look after.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 October 2011):
 A guest stops becoming a guest when his/her benefactor finally realizes that he/she is a FREELOADER. It is OK to ask freeloaders to vacate the premises....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 You are not being mean, but you need to direct your feelings into the right place. This isn't about him not having a job, or gifts etc. This is about you wanting him to foot in and pay for his food when he stays at your place for days. He stopped being a guest long time ago. In fact, he's not your guest at all, he is your boyfriend, which is different. You will not let a guest sleep in the same bed as you, he's not some random stranger. He is your boyfriend, and you are not dating for just a few days. This has started to become a habit, and it is only fair that he spits in money for the food he and his children eats at your place. I'd say let them use the washing machine is needed, as splitting the electricity bill would be difficult (measuring just how much they spend etc, it'd be too picky). But it is easy to keep a track of what you eat, and for him to for example do the grocery shopping when he comes over.
Do not do anything for him that you do not feel happy and ok about. If you feel bitter about doing things, then stop doing them!
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