A
female
age
41-50,
*eacutiepie
writes:I have a partner who has been caught out by me lying. Several times I have snooped because i thought there was something going on. I am confident that he has never cheated on me, but he cant seem to let go of the girls before me. Now that he has broken the trust, i dont know how to not get worried that he is lying again. When do you know you can trust them again?
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female
reader, seacutiepie +, writes (10 March 2007):
seacutiepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have proof,and i would not have approached him if i didnt. but he admited it to me,and i have told him that it is not fair on me, but these women encorage him to flirt in a sms-a-thon. i realise that it is his choice,butidid give him the choice to keep around. so far it has gone well, but i have trouble beleving him when he tells me things. i want to belive him.
A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (9 March 2007):
He needs to know that YOU are the woman is his life, not any of his exs. Although its unfair to try and stop his contact with any of his exs, its what i would do. If i was in your situation i would tell him that he needs to let go of his exs and his past and focus on the future. I really wouldnt want to be with a guy who still goes off seeing his exs, he must be hiding something if hes been lieing. Perhaps you should ask him to choose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007): Although being friends with ex gf's/bf's is a common thing among people, some folks really, really have a hard time saying a final goodbye so they say 'see ya around', instead. I do believe that your situation may be a good example of why friendships like this interfere with good relationships. Cross gender friendships are fine as long as one's love partner is honest and forthright with each other, right off the start and a guy makes the efforts to involve 'you' in those friendships. Although I feel lying is wrong, I do want to say, couples run into this, all the time. There are two main reasons why he lied about the other females. 1) he felt being truthful about his friendships with them would have deeply hurt you, so he made the poor choice to be sneaky and likely, further contact with these females, makes him feel flattered and he is ego-driven, on his part but he has no intent of taking it any further or 2) he was actually planning to cheat. You both need to talk, seriously about this issue and figure out what his intent was. I am not condoning his 'lying' but I am open minded enough to believe that lying doesn't’t have to necessarily signify the end of a relationship. In fact in some cases, if both partners are willing to work hard, talking about one's lying can bring problems that were lurking in the depths of the relationship up to the surface for the purpose of healing and for both people to get past it.
So...have you spoken to him and told him how his lying has hurt you and this relationship? If you have talked, does he feels regret or remorse? Does he know that his lying was wrong, and doesn't’t want to lose you?
In the end, only you will know for certain when you can trust him again. He has his work cut out for him if he is to rebuild this relationship and get it back up on solid ground. Trust is earned the the trust breaker earns it back, slowly and he does it, step by step. If your bf is willing to admit that his lying behavior did harm this relationship, and he's willing to go through a transformation to demonstrate that he isn’t the same person who lied to you, you may be able to build a new relationship based on new values and respect. This will be a long term process but you can get through this. Set some boundaries about truth and respect here and tell what it does to you, when he lies. Stand your ground, and insist he never do this again to you. And if you don't like the idea of him being friends with his exes...tell him that. You have the 'right' to speak up and tell him how you feel. This is part of a relationship...opening out souls to the core and saying how we feel about problems and challenges that heed one's progress. The decision rests with you, dear...make the best one that makes you happy. Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007): Sadly once that trust broken between you is broken - you can never get it back again!!!BUT if he hasn't cheated on you - why all the worry?!?! Has he ever given you any reason to think that he may have cheated on you? If you are been too suspicous for no reason, you will end up driving a wedge between you both and in the end will drive you apart.....Trust is a hard to thing to earn and once broken can never be got again I'm afraid.....
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A
female
reader, Bella55  +, writes (9 March 2007):
Trust is a mental decision that you make. you can trust him or you can have your doubts. Either way its not going to stop him from doing what he wants.. You cant make him stay faithful, it has to come out of his own accord. Besides if he hasnt cheated on you, then give the guy a break. You have to be able to trust someone if you love them, give them that, and only once he breaks it, should you start letting your doubts in. I think youre being unfair to him. Lying could be out of different reasons, maybe he doesnt want to hurt you etc. But if you havent got the proof, let it go.
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A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (9 March 2007):
 I dont think you will ever really trust him again. If you found he was lying to you that will always be at the back of your mind. You said he cant let go of girls before you what do you mean by this, is he texting, email? I think you have to change a suspicious mind is a dangerous thing. If you know he hasnt cheated on you, you need to learn to trust him . Constantly checking up on him will push him away and is not healthy for you.
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