A
female
age
36-40,
*amen_Noodle
writes:I am getting married soon. I have been excited up to this point, as I am with a really, really great guy. Now that it's becoming reality, I am having some strange feeling. I don't want to sound like a schmuck with low self esteem but I question myself, why did he pick me? I am just finishing up my degree, I'm cute I guess but not a supermodel. Sometimes I forget things, like where my keys and phone are, and/or where I parked my car. Mutual friends we have (female) are scientists, doctors, engineers, and here I am still finishing school. Soon, but not soon enough! I'm not wealthy, I don't have a PhD (and he does), I'm not a genius, not extremely well travelled (he has been ALL over the world) and I grew up in one place and have only been on two or three international trips. Let's say I'm not sophisticated aka the sexy French business woman smoking at the bar. I'm more like the girl who orders apple juice at a bar and gets weird looks. I'm just a girl, a student, and we love each other, and make each other laugh, and enjoy each other's company very much. Another problem is that I don't feel like a "grown-up" 100 percent inside (when does that happen anyway? Sometimes I feel just plain goofy. Don't get me wrong, I do everything that stable adults are supposed to do, like clean cook take my vitamins take care of myself take care of others etc but sometimes he'll invite me to business meetings where his colleagues bring their wives and inwardly I'm fearing they'll see through the façade and think ha she's no adult yet, and she definitely doesn't seem like she could be someone's wife. I guess the whole point is, when do we feel like we're completely "adult?" (It's all about the feeling) What is involved in the transition from "girlfriend" to wife? What does it mean to be a good wife? Will I be a good mom? What if I lose my keys when I'm a mom? What's involved in raising a well adjusted and emotionally stable human being? How do people go about being good moms anyway? Has anyone else had these feelings? Is this just some weird form of cold feet? Any thoughts or input would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (23 August 2015):
 I agree with the others -- there's no magic event or moment when you're deemed "grown up". I'm 52 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I have moments when I recognize that I'm thinking the same way I did when I was a teenager (and others where I'm thinking like the curmudgeon my grandfather was). And I can't tell you how many people have that feeling of being a fraud, of putting on a show and afraid that people will see through it. It's only fairly recently that I've stopped feeling that way, probably because the older I get the less I care what other people think.
We're all just doing the best we can, just like you. It sounds like you've got a good base upon which to build a marriage. I wish you all the best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Feeling adult... I don't think that ever actually happens. I'm 29 now, and I think you just do your best.
When I was young I thought my parents were superheroes etc... but over time you realise they're just two people trying to do their best in the world, and you're not any different.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): I've been married 2 years and have just turned 26. Do I feel like an adult?! Of course not, no one tells you what that feels like or how to become one!!When you love someone what does a PhD matter, or what others think of you?! If you love each other, laugh together and genuinely enjoy each others company then go for it. I only started my degree at 23 and was married while in my first year. People never assume I am a "Mrs" - I still get charity sales people at the door ask if my parents are home and I would also be the oddball ordering apple juice or a lemonade at the bar...We are who we are. Don't try and act a certain way because that's how you think an adult should act. You just be you. Mix more with people of other ages, even my mum agrees that no one really has their lives together. No one has the answers to adulthood and they're certainly no rules so just enjoy life!Good luck in you married life and savour every moment of your wedding day as it goes far too quickly! These thoughts are completely natural, as you enter another phase of life taking stock of where you are and reflection on your life is just normal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 August 2015):
 Oh, honey!
If you ever discover WHEN we are supposed to be "real" adults let me know. I'm 47 and still not there yet.
Yes, I go to meeting at the school for my kids, I go shopping, I cook, I clean, I mow the lawn in summer and shovel snow in winter - but I don't think there is a "bam! you are now an adult stamp we receive and after that we can only adult.
Some people are more RESPONSIBLE and SERIOUS about certain things, but that has nothing to do with age.
I have no doubt that you have many qualities that your BF love about you and (more importantly) that YOU love about yourself.
Oh and I have lost my keys while shopping with all 3 kids. It was about a month ago... I had to backtrack the entire store to find them (thankfully I did).
STUFF happens, no one is perfect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): The happiest people retain qualities from their childhood or youth. You're as old as you feel and that will stand to you when you're really old! Don't worry yourself with all the questions ... just take each day as they come :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): Do you get to mix /socialise with people of different ages much? If there's anything I've learnt from working and hanging out with different ages/types of people is that no one ever feels 'adult' lol people are husbands wives parents etc I'm in my late twenties but people in their 50s and 60s I've spent time with still have the same basic concerns about life etc and they can mess about and have a laugh with me I don't see any divide or cut off age when people suddenly become 'adult'.(Some people are just not fun to hang out with_ buts that's a different story!) Everyone gets more responsibility but I think basically you are the same inside. Your personaility does not suddenly change to 'super mature' when you get married, have a kid or hit 30!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 August 2015):
 Hah! We all feel the same way when we're about to get married. A week before I walked down the aisle, I had a full-on panic attack while emotionally choking on many of the questions you asked on here. And - I've lost my keys before as well.
The real question is - do you love him, and does he love you? All the rest of it does not matter. So what if he's a PhD? They are simply human, and so are you. If you're 26-29, then you're an adult. It's dangerous to feel you've arrived, so your mindset is a good one.
Now start thinking about what you DO bring to the table. I'd like to see you reply on here with nothing but your GOOD traits. You'll find out your fears diminish greatly.
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