A
female
age
30-35,
*heorygeek
writes: I use to be in an incredibly abusive relationship and when I mean abusive I mean physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally. I was young, idealistic, and in love ... I wanted to make things work. ... No matter the cost. Eventually, we did break up. It's been almost two years and I've dated and what not and I think I recently, over the past four months, have found someone very different from the rest.. someone I could potentially be spending a very long time with ... Here's the catch ... I feel like I have an incredible amount of emotional baggage from my that last relationship that was horribly abusive. I have never mentioned it to my current boyfriend, as he believes, past relationships are in the past and we shouldn't talk about it, which I would normally agree with but I feel like ...... That horrific three year experience ... of being with someone who would beat me, yell at me, and threaten my life when I tried to leave him ... who by the way I actually did love at one point..... ( an entirely different story... i can assure you abuse does not happen over night... its a progression that happens over time until you have a serious problem and you're like how did I get here?) .... I feel like this experience made a huge part of who I am. I say that somewhat regrettably because I don't like to think of that person making me the woman I am today... but I strongly feel like that experience and how I handled it shaped who I am today. I don't know if I'm being crazy or emotional but It's something I kind of want to share with my current boyfriend ... is that wrong? Is that more for a therapist? Do I need a therapist to deal with this or am I just being crazy? Because of how much I use to get yelled at... whenever anyone raises their voice I automatically close down. My current bf has never yelled at me but we have had debates where he slightly raised his voice and i immediately shut down.. sometimes I feel like I can't help it, I just have triggers because of this past experience and sometimes he'll do things that are completely normal that will upset me because it gives me a flashback or the abuse I went through. This is actually really hard to explain on here as it's really very detailed and can;t really be fully explained in a paragraph but I'm just wondering if anyone has ever had this same problem. Have you suffered from abuse and had a hard time dating after? Am I being crazy? Should i talk to him about how i am feeling? Should I keep my mouth shut? If you have suffered from abusive relationships how did you put them in the past so you could have a succesful future? Do you ever fully forget what happened?Thank you so much for your advice! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): you may have 'post traumatic shock' it can happen when we have been in seriously abusive relationships. Seek prof help, maybe telling your boyfriend is not a great idea, and it does not help you properly.I do know, because i have been abused as a child and adult, you name it, all the above and more, and more than one type of relationship. I SURVIVED SO CAN YOU.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): I agree with 'the black rabbit'. You MUST find a professional therapist to help you. If you do, it will change your life hugely for the better. If you do not, your life and your relationships will be haunted for the rest of your life... What have you got to lose by trying a therapist?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): seriously i dont think this is stuff for your boyfriends ears..there is a lot of very intensive stuff that youve been through that needs to betalked through very intensively with a counsellor who will give you coping skills and you can get this therapy from the doctors or from womens support groups.From the boyfriends point of view, he's living a normal life,meets a girl/ woman he s attracted too and thinks of making a future.Hes not qualified as a therapist,he doesnt want to know this stuff,he wants you to deal with it and come away from it happier and lighter,leaving your load at the therapists feet.He or she will have coping methods to switch off from your terrible life experiences when he/she is at home at night.But your boyfriend wont.He might end up feeling incredibly angry and not know how to dissipate this feeling safely,or terribly sad and he might not be able to switch it off so it permeates into your relationship.Or he might feel his happy time with you has been stolen and so on,so as most average blokes can handle a bit of the bad ,but like dogs keep moving forward emotionally ,i dont think its fair to burden him with this and i think hes tried to let you know this in advance,so go ahead,find a self help group or get a counsellor and try to become the happier person you were before this exmonster set about his devious manipulation and torture techniques.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (21 August 2015):
 I've gone through something similar but actually, my first experience with this was through my father who I adored. He upset very easily and would yell, scream and throw things and terrify us but then, he'd be a wonderful father. It's strange but I carried this idea that someone who was being abusive was worth staying with because of the "good side." Anyway, I applaud you for leaving and wanting a better life-you deserve it. However, yes, therapy is a good route to take. I understand considering your boyfriend as a good source of comfort but from personal experience, although having someone listen to you and comfort you is beautiful and healing in it's own way, a therapist will be able to better guide you through a recovery of sorts. Good therapists can help your mind. I tried to push down my experiences but they kept resurfacing through nightmares and my day to day behavior. I would also shut down when yelled at, I would become stiff and uncomfortable with things as simple as a hug. I saw a therapist and then quit because I was sure he had his own issues lol but no, really I was being closed-minded, refusing to see different patterns. So, I advise you to go ahead and see one, keep an open mind but also make sure that you are comfortable with the person you see- I can't stress how important that is. The relationship is professional but also, very intimate. Take up a hobby that enhances you. For me, it was Mixed Martial Arts- as I became stronger and more agile body, my mind went along with it and I adopted a more balanced state of mind. I was/am peaceful but all the same, the confidence made me think more along of the lines of: "Oh gosh, he's an idiot-but I can kick his ass" as opposed to "Oh gosh, he's an idiot, I can't take this, shut down." Meditation too was amazing! Clearing your mind and really experiencing a sense of "true peace" was so healing... As to your boyfriend, if you feel comfortable enough with him and absolutely need to tell him, you can but you don't want your past haunting your present. You don't have to go into much detail but can tell him something like: "Honey, please don't speak so loudly. My past boyfriend did that and it's affected me very negatively." With my current boyfriend, I let him know from the start that couldn't tolerate being called names-even as a joke or sex role play. When he asked why, I simply let him know that an ex had called me these names and I didn't want to hear them coming from a man I loved and who loved me. He hugged me and said: "f*ck your ex, I won't hurt you like that." You can reveal more to your boyfriend when/if the time is right but as of now, you can just "check" him when/if he does something you're uncomfortable with and explain a little as to why you feel that way. My current boyfriend still doesn't know the whole story but he will in time, I prefer to let him know me more as I am today before telling him everything. Also, I want to tell you this: your ex had nothing to do with the woman you are now. YOU are who YOU are because you chose to develop that way. Yes, our experiences stay a part of us and make up our history-but at the end of the day, we can't credit our opponents for our strength. We're all here for you. All the best xx
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