A
female
age
,
*amarosa
writes:If I have made the decision for my life, not to have sexual relations unless I am married. Then when is a fair time to let a man know that this is what I am considering?I have no problems or hang ups with an exciting, adventurous sex life, after marriage. It's just a personal call that I think I need to make, because I get so emotionally involved with someone, that when they decide to 'leave' I am, for lack of a better word, crushed. I can't imagine how I would feel if I were in a sexual relationship and this happened. I think it's like a safety valve to guard my emotions and sanity. I am 51, and divorced now. And I want to have a lifelong partner (husband) and not a lot of partner/lovers. So when, in the meeting/dating process would be the best to let someone know this? And for how many men, would this be a deal breaker in your estimation?I'm just tired of getting hurt.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): "Everyone thinks the 'honeymoon' period of a relationship to be the best part."
I don't know about you OP but honeymoon period to me implies lots of crazy passionate sex hehe, I mean that is part and parcel of the honeymoon seeing as it was traditionally when couples would first start having sex.
"That would mean, to me, dating, holding hands, hugging, kissing, making out, some groping (lol) and hanging out, connectedness, intimacy. Getting to know each other. Being honest."
All that stuff is lovely OP and is definitely a big part of romance and the joy of being with another person but again, sexual relations is a fundamental part of intimacy for me. It is the ultimate in intimacy. I know for sure it would be incredibly difficult to go only so far with a woman and have absolutely no sexual satisfaction at all. All that I get is the build up, I get to be teased and aroused but not have any release with the girl.
Look OP I'm not trying to convince you of anything nor am I saying you're wrong at all, but for me getting to know someone means getting to know their bodies too, getting to know whether "fit" that way, whether we're compatible in all ways. There is just no way I'd commit to a girl in terms of marriage if I don't know if we are sexually compatible.
I just know how important that is to a relationship. I've been in love with girls and waited only to find out sexually it was crap, and it doesn't matter how in love with them I was, there was just no way it would work between us.
Look just a warning OP, I have friends that are virgins until marriage due to religious reasons and it's a minefield. They're constantly getting screwed over by guys whether intentionally or not. There are the types who say they can handle it and are willing to wait who hope that as soon as your feelings grow strong enough they can convince you to change your mind, there are others who say they can wait but when they're drunk they try it on and pressure you for sex and turn bitter, there are others who think they can handle it only for their sexual frustration to slowly build up to the point where they realize they can't have all that teasing and closeness without the end product, then there are others who see that as a challenge and want to bone you purely because you said you wouldn't as an ego boost.
OP those friends don't have a choice and it's something none of them would choose for their life as they have had some very nice boyfriends with whom they have connected really well and the only thing that broke them up was the sex thing and they were torn apart by it. That hurt more than anything because they were fully sure this guy was the one only to then feel betrayed even though it wasn't the guy's fault, he just assumed wrong.
That's why I don't understand how you think it will hurt any less because quite frankly OP you're old enough to know how we guys work by now, you're going to get plenty of guys who say they will wait only to be caught by one of the above guys, or by a guy who just doesn't really have a sex drive at all in which case you're looking at sexual relations once a month if you're lucky, when it does start and if I'm honest OP you're kind of giving guys more of an incentive to "upgrade" because other women are perfectly willing to give a guy what you won't so you're actually increasing the chances of guys looking elsewhere, I mean what you think is going to happen when you get a guy aroused, build him up and there's finish for months and months? That's a hell of a lot of sexual frustration right there and rightly or wrongly OP people generally cheat or "upgrade" because they feel there's something lacking in their relationship.
I just think instead of actually protecting your feelings the way you think, this rule will actually set up more conditions and a greater risk of getting hurt in the long run. OP long term romance, walks on the beach etc are all lovely in the movies but for a virile, horny man in love with a beautiful woman sex is the end product and you know by now that our penis' do a lot of our thinking for us.
Be careful OP, no matter how soon you tell a guy he may well change his mind a few months down the line and you may just end up as an emotional experiment. Chances of that are even greater with you than my religious friends because this is not fundamental belief and you have been sexually active in the past.
A
female
reader, mamarosa +, writes (6 August 2012):
mamarosa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for the responses. I can take something away from each of them.
Cerberus-
I STILL believe there is a 'land' between platonic and sexual relations called
"Romance"!
That would mean, to me, dating, holding hands, hugging, kissing, making out, some groping (lol) and hanging out, connectedness, intimacy. Getting to know each other. Being honest.
Falling in love.
Everyone thinks the 'honeymoon' period of a relationship to be the best part. Why wouldn't we want to prolong that, to stay on that exquisite edge?
Is that totally out of the question?
k20honda-
Yes, there are issues. I don't know of anyone who makes it to my age group that doesn't have any.
The circumstances of my divorce? Yep, you guessed it. He 'upgraded'. He cheated on me and left me for another woman. But if you asked him it was just that he 'wasn't happy', and 'life is too short'. So, you throw out your devoted wife of 12 years. Oh well.
I am so over him and his arrogant entitlement.
But, that being said, I've never broken it off with anyone. They've always broken it off with me. I truly don't think it is anything I am doing. don't laugh! It's just that they just keep on looking at their options, and find someone else they'd rather be with.
So, would it be wise to sleep with these men, really? How much more hard could it be on me?
I can't really say I'm dating. it's been 3 years. But if the occasion should arise, I will be honest and straightforward about bringing this up very near the beginning, based on these responses.
I guess I will swim in this TINY pool, because I don't like the 'fish' that keep one eye open for a better fish.
God willing, I will find a man that can say: I'm crazy about this person, and if waiting is what it takes, then I'm fine with that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2012):
 If this is how you feel I would tell them on the first date. In your "age group" (or my own to be honest) I just don't see a lot of men AND women who don't want to go for a "test drive" before they commit to marriage. What IF he has a SERIOUS case of ED? Can't get it up? Or he is a 30 second guy? Which means, good for him.. blargh for you.
Do you think in your age group it's realistic?
( I don't honestly)
But if you do, I suggest when you put yourself out there, that this is one of those things you need to be very upfront with.
I don't think it's a deal-breaker but it narrows the pond for you to fish in. Tiny Tiny pond.
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A
male
reader, k20honda  +, writes (5 August 2012):
I sense some deeper issues. What was the reason for your divorce and why your boyfriends "decide to leave" you?
Try to find and solve the issues behind this first. Withholding sex will only complicate things for no reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): Sexual relations? As in you're not willing to do anything sexual at all? That'll be a deal breaker for quite a few guys, although in your age group that number will be significantly less I imagine.
Well OP you'll want to tell them as soon as possible really. I wouldn't even wait a couple of dates, I'd tell them the first date. You say you kind of fall hard for guys well do you really want to let yourself build up too much emotion for him or start to like him only for him to walk away when he says the "no sex" thing is too much for him?
If I'm honest though OP I think the logic behind your reasoning is flawed. Not having sex is not going to make guys leaving any easier, it's not going to prevent that from happening and it kind of just adds another reason for relationships to fail if I'm honest.
I mean think of this way OP, you meet a guy and he ticks all your boxes, you start to really like him and he's good enough for you to really consider a good partner and then the only reason you two don't work out is the sex thing, will that hurt any less? What if you do decide to get married to a guy only find out you are sexually incompatible and that you're not going to have that wild adventurous sex because you just don't work that way together?
Look OP you know yourself better than me and know what you should and should not do, I personally would not find the idea of missing out on a good person because I was scared of the risk of being hurt a good one. I certainly don't see how holding off on sexual relations until marriage is going to make that happen less.
I mean waiting is a good idea but I'm not sure putting such a concrete timing on it is. I'm sure there will be plenty of guys only too happy to wait, I can't see too many willing to wait until marriage especially when it's only a new development. I think it kind of makes you more of a risk to be honest.
Personally I don't mind waiting however long, but I wouldn't make a life long commitment to a woman who may be crap in bed, one who may not share the same kind of ideas about sex as me and one who very possibly may just not be that into sex at all and only saying she will be.
Tell them early OP, save yourself and them the time and effort of not having the same views on this. That way you don't waste too much time with guys who can't handle it and guys can know early that you're relationship is going to be almost purely platonic until marriage.
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