A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When do couples start discussing the future? And how do you go about it? This is my second relationship but the first one I didn't go about the correct way and I don't want to mess this one up. If someone could please help me I'd really appreciate it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): I am always somewhat puzzled by questions from people in serious exclusive relationship where they are feeling uncomfortable about (a) not knowing if their partner wants to get married or (b) when that would be. How do you get to the stage of being this close to someone, without knowing about their preferences for their future?I mean, do you exclusively date someone for a long time, sleep with them, and have no clue what that person's desires and attitudes about his own future are? I have casual friends whom I know what their future plans are (at least until they change their minds), like whether they want to get married and have kids or not, and if so at what stage in their lives or what set of circumstances would make them do it. This is because as friends we have shared that in conversation, since it's really not a big deal to share this with friends. I find it hard to believe that you would be even closer to someone than just friends, like being romantic with them on a regular basis, and be sleeping together regularly, and yet have no idea if that person sees marriage/kids in their future. But it's different if it is out in the open that both of you do want marriage/kids/etc in the future, just that it hasn't been disclosed what that time frame is. Maybe this is what you're asking? If so, I don't see why this is a threatening and anxiety-provoking situation. And I don't see any reason why you have to wait for the guy to bring it up. Why can't you ask about it casually, just as part of getting to know him better, and for no other reason? Just ask because you are interested in understanding more about him as a person, not because this is the start of trying to get your way. Surely there should be enough trust in the relationship that simply asking for his opinion doesn't freak him out and shut down the conversation. If it does, then your relationship already has some serious issues regarding honesty, trust, controllingness, or unresolved baggage from past relationships so perhaps it would be premature to be talking about marriage.
A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (19 July 2013):
 Hi Anom.
It depends on how your relationship is progressing and how long you have been in the relationship. Usually is better if the guy brings it up but i think after about at 2 years in serious relationship the woman could ask the question .For me we just knew and i wasn't surprised when he popped the question after a year of dating.
Goodluck
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 The sooner the better, otherwise, you pretend you'll both live forever and that does not work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): I agree with auntie em. But if you really want to bring it up, then i'd wait till you two were chatting and ask him casually where he saw himself (not "us", HIM) in 5 years or w/e, and if he mentions something relationship or family based, then run with it, give a couple hints about the type of future you want and then move on to another question or topic and let it go until another day, but dont make it an "us" thing, and definitely dont seem like youre trying to force him into something.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 July 2013):
 Where men are concerned (that's if you are in a relationship with a man) it's best never to talk about the future until they bring up the subject.
If a guy asks a woman first and wants to discuss it then that is the best time. If a woman brow beats a guy into talking about the future, then it's probably not going to go that well.
If your one of those women who thinks it's should be your right to bring up the subject then by all means take your chances.
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