A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have known this man for 2 yrs, we were friends first. We dating a bit last year and were physical when were seeing each other. All was going well and then he disappeared on me. We kept in touch but it looked like he was dating other people. I fell for this guy and it seemed he had feelings too and got scared maybe? (he was recently divorced) We were not at the Love stage but definitely feelings. He kept talking about seeing me I didn't see him for 5 months I finally saw him and things were wonderful again and then he disappeared again. We still texted but I haven't seen him in 7 months now. I don't think he's been seeing anyone but I don't know for sure.About a month ago he was texting me, we texted back and forth and he said he wasn't looking for anything exclusive, just sex. He had some work and custody issues to deal with. I told him I fell for him and he knows I'm looking for a boyfriend/exclusive. I was really hurt. He told me before I am special to him and I thought he genuinely cared for me as a person. I know he was going through a hard time at the moment so I just left it. I didn't talk to him for a month and then he sent me a sweet text message this past Friday and implied he wanted to see me. On the same day, one of my friends saw him on a dating site and he's apparently been on there daily the past few days.I knew this guy as a friend first, he is a good man but I'm emotionally involved here and my heart has hurt through all this. Seeing him date other women and then come back to me. All of it's been hard. Never done the casual dating thing and never will again.I know I don't have any 'claim' to him. I don't know if I'm being unrealistic but I guess I kind of hoped if he was wanting to see me, it was because there were feelings enough that maybe he was done with dating others. So I don't understand why then be on a dating site at the same time? Hearing that he was on a dating site really deflated me and made me feel like he just doesn't care. But on the other hand, I don't know if he has a paid account or is just pondering.I don't want to blow things with him, if he does have feelings. I honestly don't know what to think. We are both in our mid 40s. Do I cut him off or do I give him a chance (not sleep with him) and see him again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): I felt like this could have been me writing the question with a few differences.Please cut him off right away. I've recently been through something so similar.Texts, few visits,he was divorced and not ready emotionally, so I gave him a pass just like you. He knew I had feelings for him, and I wanted to be exclusive. He said he wasn't ready and although he wished I could wait for him, he said he understood if I didn't. He wanted casual sex (I refused) and this went on for years before he all of sudden just let me know in the most soul-crushing manner that he was seeing someone. So other than being humiliated and kicking myself for allowing him to use me at will, I'm left with this vacuum and questioning myself about everything.Please don't repeat my mistakes, and go for what you want. Which is a man that respects you, wants you and wants to be with only you. Don't compromise or justify his behavior and give him a chance. You will only waste your time, emotions and end up hurt.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2015):
 I agree with Cindy.
He is a total time-waster for you. He has even come out and said it, HE is only looking for sex. And he means it. Just look at his past actions, a little sweet-talk/texting then bed you, then vanish.. (probably sleeping with someone else) then back to you... rinse and repeat.
He might be a decent guy, but he is not exactly decent in the way he treated you in the past, as an occasional bunk-mate.
Having sex with him is NOT going to make he want a relationship with you, that is clear (going by his words AND actions).
You say you are looking for a relationship, then HE is not it.
He does have feelings, but not the deep ones you have. He likes you enough (or little) to suggest that FWB could happen. Which means... feelings or not.. he wants to USE you for sexual release, not much else.
He is on a dating site, NOT because he is looking for a GF - but for a woman who can be "suckered" into a FWB, at least for a little while. And in between these women he contacts you... in hope that you will "entertain him" till he finds the next woman to bed.
The man isn't ready to date. He may not be for a very long time, and I don't get why you should sit on your hands and wait for him to be ready. Who knows, maybe when he IS ready - you wouldn't be someone he'd want to date? You never know.
Look for a partner, for love and companionship elsewhere. He is a dud in that department.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 September 2015):
 I'm so sorry to break this to you but he's NOT THAT INTO YOU.
He will NEVER be what you want or need in a relationship. He keeps coming back in hopes that he can get easy sex from you knowing how you feel. Sadly this works all too often as women think if they have sex with a guy he will change how he feels. IT doesn't work that way.
To keep your sanity and peace of mind I would "cut him off" he's a time waster for you.
Go NO CONTACT so you can get over him. IF he asks why you can tell him, that you are sorry but you can't be "just friends with him" and ask him to respect your wishes. IF he's really a decent guy he will.
If he contacts you again after you specifically tell him it's over and you do not wish to have any contact with him, then it's clear he has NO RESPECT for you as a person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): He really just sees you as easy sex and he isnt planning on taking it further.Anyone who mysteriously disappears and reappears again has another life elsewhere and i cant imagine why you would want to be Miss Faithfull Ever Ready when he cant reciprocate.As long as you are bound up in waiting for him you will cease to consider your other options!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 September 2015):
 I would not waste any more time on him. If you want an exclusive relationship, he is not the one you can have it with.
This situation sounds confusing to you only because you are very invested emotionally- from the outside it's rather clear cut . After vanishing on you TWICE, didn't he tell you ,loud and clear, that he only wants sex from you ? Plus, he may have dropped you an e-mail once in a blue moon, - but in the meantime he was and still is dating around and/or active on dating sites.
" But I thought he had feelings fo me ", well, then you must have read him wrong ; or else, perhaps he has some sort of feelings for you ,but he is one of those persons that can easily and neatly differentiate between feelings and fun, ... and even if he has feelings for you , they were not and won't be strong enough to make him embrace monogamy and stop playing the field . You would be not too happy with that, since you want a serious and exclusive r/ship,... so why even bother.
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