A
female
age
41-50,
*razybeyatch
writes:I have a question that I'm betting A LOT of people do that visit this website. If your in a relationship and you are madly deeply in love with the person your with. Time goes by and you find out that they have been lying to you many times and going behind your back with other women. My question to everybody is: How long after infidelity has happened in a relationship that you should "be over it"? I'm only asking due to the guy I'm in a relationship with just tonight screamed at me over calmly saying something while he was texting his twin boys momma (which is only one of the couple other women he cheated on me with a couple times) all I said was "I hope what you are saying to her isn't some kind of secretive sayings to the both of you." He tripped all the heck out and began screaming at me over it. I told him that I wasn't being rude or accessing him of anything by saying that and that I'm just looking out for my well being since she's 1 of the women he broke my heart with.Also telling him that he's broken 1 of the biggest things in a relationship....the trust bridge. He told me that was the past. Years ago..and that I should "get the f**k over it". Telling me that if I can't take him talking to his baby momma that our relationship is done. It's like he doesn't understand all the crap he has put me and my emotions thru. What do you guys all think?
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cheated on me, infidelity, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): Code Warrior said it perfectly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): "Forgiveness is a gift. It's not something you owe anybody.
Withholding it lets the painful past consume your life.
His arrogance shows no remorse."
"Wiseowl" and has hit the nail on the head.
My new motto is : No trust, No Love, No Love, No trust!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): If he truly cares about you, he should do everything in his power to earn back your trust. Yelling at you for being insecure about what he is texting his ex is piggish of him. The right move would have been for him to show you the text. You have every right to be uncomfortable with his contact with the ex.
How long does it take to get over? In the case of this guy I doubt you will ever get over it as long as you stay with him. He does not sound empathetic, remorseful, and I suspect he will cheat again. So, unfortunately unless he shows empathy for you, the only way you'll get over it is to leave him. That's my 2 cents.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2017):
 You have chosen to stay with him regardless of his cheating, so I DO get why he says "get over it".
But it doesn't mean you CAN "get over it". No matter how much time you put in.
Trust is lost between you two. It wasn't an "ooops" mistake on his behalf, he CHOSE to cheat.
Little passive-aggressive remarks, like what you told him while texting someone, it does not help either of you.
I also agree with him that HE shouldn't have to put up with the passive-aggressive remarks when texting the baby momma. I wouldn't.
Does that mean your feelings are "wrong"? No, he hurt your feeling and you are still not able to forgive it. Maybe you won't EVER get to that point. Maybe it will ALWAYS (or as long as you date him) bother you.
You have to decide if it's WORTH it for you to stay with him. To work on "moving on" from the betrayal. But... here is the thing. IF you CHOSE to stay with him this is not something you can hold over his head from now on whenever you feel insecure about his actions, movements or interactions.
Either you two FIND a way to rebuild trust (if he even wants that, he really doesn't seem to have any remorse about the cheating, not a great regard for how his actions affected you.) OR you break up and walk away.
To me, breaking up sounds like a much better deal for you. That way you can leave HIM and HIS cheating in the past, focus on life and the future without constantly worrying about when the NEXT time he cheats will be, who it will be with, etc.
When you FIND that you have to try and "control" his actions and monitor his communications, it's not healthy. It will make you feel nuts after a while trying to "catch" him at it again.
So decide, is this worth it or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): He's being pretty harsh when he's the one who destroyed your trust in the first place. You will not forget his cheating; because that baby mama you spoke of is for life. She's the mother of his kids, and an everlasting-reminder.
You don't have to get over anything. What you have to do is decide how much disrespect you're going to take from an assh*le who cheated on you? He has the unmitigated balls to bark at you for feeling insecure about some female he knocked-up; while sitting there chatting with her right in your face.
I'm going to be straight with you. You're torturing yourself by keeping this arrogant hockey-puck.
When you decide to forgive and keep someone; you have to consider the magnitude of their violation(s) and how it affects you mentally and emotionally. You also must take into account their attitude about what they've done, if they own responsibility, feel remorse; and how willing they are to regain your trust. He should be kissing your feet, if not your ass.
He's thinks you're lucky he's still around, and reacts to your whining accordingly. Yes, I call it whining; because you chose to keep him, and can't deal with your own decision. Then when he yelled at you, you were apologizing to the cheater for his own bad behavior. You're submissive to his intimidation, and he acts as though you're the one who cheated.
You can and must forgive, because it frees the soul. You don't have to stay with a man with two kids by some woman he cheated with; then disrespects you by talking down to you.
Forgiveness does not mean the person who has done you wrong gets to stay in your life. You can move on and get on with your life, and leave them behind. That's the mistake many people make about forgiveness. They can't handle the aftermath of their decision to let the perpetrator stay.
Healing from the pain they've inflicted takes time. They have to be proactive in your healing process, by working to restructure the trust they have destroyed.
Forgiveness is a gift. It's not something you owe anybody.
Withholding it lets the painful past consume your life.
His arrogance shows no remorse. You can't handle your own decision to keep him. What he did was much too serious and cut you too deep. Your female-pride wouldn't let you give him up to the other women he cheated with. He pissed all over your pride. It's not up to him to absolve himself of his own crimes. Your fault if it happened years ago, he stays, and yet you still haven't gotten over it. Your option was to leave him. Still is. He should be reassuring and gentle with you. If he gives a rat's ass.
My advice. Kick his cheating-ass to the curb. He's disrespectful and insensitive. He needs to go take care of those kids he bastardized.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (30 July 2017):
 Maybe you will never be over it, nor should you ever forget it. It is your experience. It will help you in the future. However that doesn't mean there won't come a time when it won't matter. How long that take varies but it can be several years. Gradually you think about it less and less and it hurts less and less when you do let it cross your mind. Right now it is probably all consuming, but time is a great healer.
It's never good to find out you have been cheated on. At least now you know, and you can take the appropriate action. He has been revealed. Now there will be room for someone better in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): When the trust is gone the relationship is over. You are still hurting and as long as you are with him it will always be this way. Why put yourself thru all that pain? Dump him. He is untrustworthy.
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