A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My bf, who I will call DH and I go to watch his nephew play VB (volleyball) on the varsity high school team. The team had sort of a team mother who went to all the games and drove kids to away games. I’ll call her the TM. The TM had come up to DH and me, thinking we were Brian’s parents to ask a question about some trip. From that moment DH was continually checking TM out.DH and I go to the next game and the next. His nephew is not a first string player and only is put in the game to serve a few times. As we go to each game DH is always looking for the TM. She is aware he is checking her out and she is flattered. I could see her smiling. DH and I also go to the away games that are 1 hour away. It’s a bit of a hassle to go to the away games because because it a rush to get there on time after work. DH says he goes to support his nephew. But, it seems a bit much to me, especially considering is nephew does not even play. It is more than supportive enough just going to all the home games. The kid’s parents only went to one home game.I was becoming more and more uncomfortable with DH, always looking for the TM at these games. Below is the list of things that made me uncomfortable.1. He was clearly flirting with her, visually. He would look for her in the bleachers every game and she knew it.2. I noticed her attire had changed from flat tennis shoes, loose-fit jeans, and a tee-shirt, to very cute high-heeled boots, very form-fitting jeans, and a pretty blouse.3. DH’s brother and sister-in-law went to one game. When the match was over, DH stands up and angles his chest to face the TM. DH is talking to his brother, and of course he did what I knew he was going to do. DH casually looks up and and just happens to see the TM. She smiled ever so pretty and looked down shyly.4. The TM usually brought cookies for the team. At one of the tournaments, as DH and I walk by she offers a cookie to DH. She didn’t offer cookies to the other parents or friends of the team. DH accepts the cookie. She then feels it necessary to offer me one, which I rejected. 5. The TM wore jeans in the morning and changed into a cute short outfit in the afternoon at the tournament. Though it was a pleasant April day outside, it was cold in the air-conditioned gym. So I'm not sure why she felt she needed the change. She stood against the wall where DH could see her, but out of my view. I saw her anyway, and figured she wanted to show off her skinny suntanned legs to DH. Of course, he checked her out. Maybe that one was just hard to to notice.6. I did not go to the next home game with DH. He went alone and then he went out after that game. I had suspected he finally hooked up with TM. He said he went out to pizza with AC. I knew that AC did not attend the VB games because he was coaching the other high school’s VB team. Besides, DH and AC really wouldn't go out to pizza just by themselves. A day or 2 later, AC, DH, and I played on a recreational VB team. AC, in a kind of cartoonish voice, was making some comment about having really good pizza the other night. In the past AC was joking about being DH’s wingman after his separation from his wife. (The way I interpreted AC’s oddball demeanour was that he was being silly about being a wingman and cracking himself up about going to pizza with DH.)7. I decide to go to the next home VB game. This time, the TM’s husband was there. YES. She has a husband. He had never gone to any games or any of the tournaments. During a break between the games, the TM gets up and walks toward the lobby. A few seconds later, the husband gets up and quickly follows her. I could see she rolled her eyes. 8. After that match, DH came over to my house. He was sitting slumped over my kitchen counter with his head in his arms. I asked “What’s wrong?” He said something like “I guess I’m feeling depressed about my nephew only serving a couple of times.” I wasn’t buying his explanation. It had been several months we’ve been going to the games. I don’t think DH knew that the TM had a husband. DH actually knew the husband from recreational VB.I usually separate the actual events from my interpretations of the events. But, in an argument I may have actually accused DH of going out on a date with the TM. I don’t remember. Most of the time I say I deduced or suspect you went on a date. DH gets stuck and repeatedly accuses me of accusing him of going out on a date. I repeatedly tell him I don’t know what happened. He thinks his angry shouting is supposed to make me think he didn’t go on a date with TM. He’s lied and denied before. I’m not about to believe him just because he is frustrated and tells me he didn’t go on a date. DH thinks my suspicions are unfounded. I disagree. What do you think? Do I have valid reason to suspect he went out with the TM? I am just trying to figure out if DH is gaslighting me or if my suspicions are ridiculous. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Me again.
You know, if DH just cheated on me, I would leave. I've been caught up in this limbo-land where there has been a 'threat' for cheating, but no cheating that I know of. It's not like it is a constant threat, but it is a recurring threat. If I go back to him and that recurring threat remains, it will drive me crazy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Thanks for your response Honeypie.
My BF was not taking his nephew to the games. I too wonder if that woman was a motivation to go to the away games. If the TM was his motivation, there is no way he would confess to it.
AC, my BF, and I played a few years together on a recreational VB team. The whole wingman comment occurred the first year we played, before DH and I started dating. DH had been separated about a year at that time. We started dating a few months later. His divorce was finalized some months after we were dating. So, I don't consider that I cheated with DH. It was very clear the divorce proceedings were well underway and it was clear he had no interest in his ex whatsoever.
I had stopped going to the games, thinking he may as well just ask the TM out and let me go. Well, thinking about it just now, it dawns on me that he just likes the thrill of it all. I don't really think he cheated on me, but I don't know for sure. I did go to the next home game after he said he was having pizza with AC.
Too funny, I did not know DH stood for Dear Husband or Darling Hubby. At the time I wrote this I was frustrated and thinking something a bit vulgar, (D!@k-Head). Then as it turned out, DH are the initials of his first and middle name, so I stayed with DH.
I want DH to actually have real empathy for how his behavior hurts me and our relationship. I would like a heartfelt apology instead of a mono-tone 'I have to say I'm sorry so we could move on' type of apology. We have not been seeing each for just over a month. We made some progress in discussions, but it still does not feel like he is genuinely sorry. He just says the words, and he struggles with that.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 July 2017):
 I agree with Code WArrior.
It's odd for him to show up especially if the kid doesn't even play. Is your BF the one taking him to the game? Or does the team ride together?
If he isn't the nephew's ride it's a little odd that he feels like he HAS to go to all away games.
If it wasn't for the woman WOULD he be there at all? That would be my question.
I DO think if he goes to support the nephew, that is great and fine. But I can't help to think he has the ulterior motive of going to watch that woman, not his nephew.
I too have nephews and nieces in various sports and activities. We DO go watch for certain events and sometimes they come watch MY kids at their events. My middle daughter is in the choir and very active in their musicals ( Little Mermaid, Shrek, etc.) but NO ONE goes to EVERY event for other people's kids. My oldest is in the theater but backstage so not much of her to "see" and my middle is in the band, and the band does occasions concerts and events to raise funds. Some times family shows up, sometimes they don't and it's fine.
So my question is, IS he there for the kid really or himself to ogle at this woman?
I would stop going with him. Seriously. I'd go do other things. I would not enjoy watching my partner ogle another woman under the guise of "supporting" his nephew.
I also have a question to you OP, you mentioned:"AC was joking about being DH’s wingman after his separation from his wife" So is he STILL separated or divorced? Was your BF cheating on his wife with YOU? Or what's up with that?
If your BF (by the way DH usually stands for Dear Husband/Darling Hubby) has cheated in the past it makes a TONNE more sense that you are suspicious.
I do think your "fears" are reasonable, but what comes next is totally up to you. IF you feel he is putting feelers or MORE out to another woman, WHY stay with him? If you can't trust him, WHY stay with him?
You don't need 100% proof, a confession, or evidence to leave. You just have to decide if this is something you want to put up with OR not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): Thanks WiseOwlE, Code Warrior, and anonymous. I appreciate your points of view as well as the time you took to read and respond.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2017): The question of whether or not TM and DH cheated is something you will probably never be able to prove or disprove. You do know for a fact that they are attracted to each other, that DH goes to unusual lengths to attend his second string nephew's games and that he has lied and denied before. In my view, two of those truths are disrespectful of you and your feelings. The fact that he has lied to you before makes him dishonest with you.
You have to decide if you want to continue with someone who lies to you, shouts at you and doesn't deserve your trust. I'd cut him loose and tell him why matter-of-factly. No shouting, arguing or recriminations -- just end it. If you don't you'll have to live with this and probably more in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): Thanks for your response WiseOwlE. DH is angry at me and wants an apology for me accusing him of hooking up. I may have accused him once in an argument, but the other 9 times I have said I do not know if there was an actual hookup. I have only gotten a mono-toned apology that he was sorry he looked. We went to a therapist a week ago, and he finally copped to flirting. Though I am glad he finally copped to more than just a look, he showed no remorse, no empathy, and now he wants to shift the blame on me for accusing him of hooking up. I acknowledged to him I don't know if he hooked up, and I asked if he could at least understand why I suspected there might have been a hookup. He could not understand and did not believe others would agree. I'm just checking if I'm crazy or if he's a cad.Honestly, sometimes I think he may have just wanted me to think there was a hookup.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2017): You gave a lot of reasons for suspicion; but nothing you've listed clearly confirms he has actually cheated.
He wasn't even aware she had a husband; and if they actually hooked-up, I think that would have become evident. He would have seen a ring; and her husband would also make her account for her time. One thing that is undeniable, TM and DH are attracted to each other. If they did hookup, hubby probably knows or suspects as well.
Since you can't hang a guy on suspicion; you can give him the boot if you don't trust him. If he has lied and denied before; then you have some justification not to trust him this time.
You'll have to either let it go, or let him go. You don't trust him, so why keep him?
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