A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What makes a good friend?I’m a quieter person, a little socially awkward but better than when I was in my 20s, when I was hopeless due to teen bullying and never having real friends, only users and fake friends.i am not intellectually impaired, average intelligence, am not autistic and don’t have Apergers (yes have been tested) Don’t have a brain disease etc.I workI try hard with people, listen genuinely, smile, ask questions etc.. all the right things.. I don’t act needy or narcissistic or full of ego.I’m not a desperado begging for attention or friends.We listen more than we talk I was told as a teen as people love to chat about them .Problem is no one wants to know about me! I want to know about them, really! I don’t act creepy, try to be casual and relaxed etc.. but in today’s world full of selfishness noone cares to ask after me or want to be my friend.What gives??So..In our digital age 2018, full of ego and apathy, what are some tips to make friendsPeople just don’t take to me and I’m told ( once, years ago) I’m an ok person and 10 years ago I had a friend who told me I was ok.No positive feedback since and she was drunk, she’s now dead, illness.Do people not want new friends as they enter 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and older..Tips please!!Know where to meet new people, but getting them to want to ask after me too is impossible..
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2018): Of course, people want to be friends! Let's be real! They may prefer people who have a use to them; or someone to constantly stroke their egos. Only those in their same economic-status, only the same race or ethnic-origin; or want to be with only those people they know will be helpful in their time of need. They aren't guaranteed to be the same or around for a lifetime; no matter how good of a friend they are.
Sometimes in life you have to have a changeover, overhaul, or turnover in the company you keep. You have to let-go of people who hold you down, or never lift you up. That leaves you alone. You're supposed to be alone. In order to be independent. Recognize yourself and feel your wholeness. To know your own strength; apart from emotional-crutches and dependency on the people we lean on.
You are given downtime and loneliness to look at your life in retrospect. To make self-improvements. Cleanse your soul, and offer it to the One you Worship. To seek enlightenment, and to see outside your own needs and desires. To offer something in contribution to make your community and the world a better place. To be a force of change.
Know the difference between wanting a friend or a fan. Nobody wants to stand around constantly listening to you brag, complain, or gossip. If they do, they are not friends; they are those chosen to be your audience and worshipers. They usually have a use for you too! They often prey on your weaknesses, and they are wolves in sheep's clothing. They abandon you when you're broke, talk behind your back, and turn on you when you disagree.
Yet there is a bright-side. They also have a purpose for being brought into your life. They teach you how to interact with all kinds. Sharpen your people-skills. Strengthen you in your values, and grow you a tougher-skin. They have a divine-purpose higher than you realize at that time. It's later you figure it out. When they are long-gone. They gave you survival-skills! Taught you to live-on, in spite of pain and disappointment. Gave you knowledge of things you didn't know before they showed-up! They filled an empty-spot!
Look at it this way. Sometimes people in our lives are only passing through. They may not have much to offer, but they may teach us something, or change our lives in ways not apparent at the time. Some stick around for awhile. Once you outgrow them, or they outgrow you; time will push them on.
Unless they are there to support you, encourage you, and show you love; they're just keeping you company, but they are otherwise demonstrating just another personality-type you must familiarize yourself with. Improving how and where you choose your friends. Sometimes we find them in all the wrong places; then expect them to have qualities they don't possess.
Sometimes their best qualities aren't revealed until it's time for them to go. That means they were just a bad-match for us; but intended for someone else. They needed us to show them that. We needed them to encourage us to find someone better for us!
You must not lose heart. You have to be compassionate and curb your harsh-judgement. Give them a chance. Practice forgiveness. You are also there to change others. You are intended to be the good-influence that no one else they know can be. You are only there to improve them; then they must go. You're not always aware of all the underlying-dynamics and things happening beneath the surface. All you know is what you want, but not what you may really need!
It's not always the fault of those people. It's your choice of company, and where you go to find them. If you run with a crowd or clique that don't show the qualities that you've described in your post; you're the one who's out of place.
Maybe you're just so desperate for friends; you'll pick the first person who sticks around, and they disappoint you.
My philosophy professor once told us to "set your standards higher than your expectations. That leaves room for growth and improvement; and allows for human-error."
You're mature enough to be selective and should evaluate the character and values of the people you want to call a friend. You may run through a whole barrel of bad-apples before you find one good friend; but it's the quality not the quantity. Your cynicism and prejudices will get in the way; if you allow yourself to become too embittered. People are not all that bad. It's the ones you've met thus far.
I've met wonderful people over the years by pure coincidence. They didn't all become my friends. It was being in the right place and the timing. Volunteering for a cause, at a pubic-event, a community function, in-line at the grocer, taking a walk, through mutual-friends, and at my place of worship. On the average, my friendships have lasted ten years plus! Up to well-over 20 years!
You shouldn't rule-out family-members who also share more than just your DNA. They'll stick by you through hard-times, make you laugh, cry, and fill your heart with warmth. Why people don't consider family their friends is strange. There is no other love like it! It's for-life! Sitting in easy-reach on a shelf!
They're right there under our noses. People are too busy estranging everybody connected by blood. Being "stank!" Drawing lines, creating feuds, snubbing, and holding stupid evil grudges! Then after all that, want total-strangers to love them! Go figure! Well, welcome to the real-world. You'll find love and friendship when it's your time, and you're best prepared to receive it. When you need to undergo change and evolution, sometimes God's blessings are delayed. He saves the best for last! He tests you for endurance!
My dear, you say you're this and that kind of person; and say you try to do everything right. Nobody's perfect, and we all share all the best and worst traits of human-nature. Some people are loyal to the end; even if they don't do all the things you think they ought to do. Some never pickup the tab, some never return favors; and you're right, some never even pay a compliment or ask you anything about yourself. Judge them by how they show-up in a crisis. Standby you and stand-up for you. They surprise you sometimes. We overlook the best in people when busy picking-out their faults!
Stop needing validation from people. Self-esteem is homegrown. Confidence is built and strengthened by learning. Love yourself, accept your natural-imperfections, identify and improve on your own shortcomings; and you'll understand similar faults and imperfections in others. Show empathy!
You are very correct that the average-person is selfish, they have no clue about sharing or kindness. Few seem to be generous. My dear, precious jewels aren't just found lying in plain-sight. Sometimes you have to dig or hunt for them. Good-people are all around you. Hidden in the crowd! Don't project your self-hatred onto others. Bitterness will make you see the world with a very dark outlook. No, nowadays they don't warmup so quickly; because you have to be cautious and use discernment. You have to be careful.
Bitterness doesn't come from what other people do to you. It comes from feeling inadequate; and powerless to make people do what we want them to do. Feeling rejected, because we don't possess qualities we see in others we wish we had. So we say it's the people around us; while really blaming ourselves. Been there and done that!
Keep this in-mind. Looking through the eyes of bitterness; you will also develop a negative-vibe that is off-putting to people. If you're too needy, you'll be smothering and demanding. Always whining and complaining about life, makes you a Debbie-downer; and without any hesitation, everybody will run from you or abandon you. It's what we cannot see in ourselves that hurts us most!
You can't just make friends instantly, and sometimes it's our own personality-flaws that we can't see that are a turnoff to people. Sorry, but what you see isn't always the same as how others see you. Your general-attitude and demeanor speaks volumes; and your unique-personality may only appeal to a select-group of people.
A good and generous-soul shines through the surface, and it automatically attracts people. Drop the bitterness and cynicism! Just be patient. Just be nice to people, and if they want you as a friend; they will take to you willingly. Even if they don't care to hear your life's story or complaints. They just might fulfill more needs than you can immediately recognize, until you give them up; or they decide it's time to leave!
People may come into our lives with an unknown-purpose. The secret may not be revealed until you discover something special in yourself that you wonder just how it got there. I do that all the time! Even from you readers! They don't have to ask after you. They've got eyes and ears!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 March 2018):
 The problem with the world is that we are competing with each other for resources. That sense of competition starts with school age. The ones who are perceived as "weak" are bullied. Only the top ones with social value get noticed. People who would get them connections for career, or the best parties. Nobody cares about you because at the end of their work shift, they want to get drunk or whatever addictive habit they have. The ones who are not social would not bother and would just sit at home to watch Netflix, play video games or watch porn. They have nothing left for genuine emotional connection. People age 30 and older usually have children and they take up a lot of the time. People without children are too busy trying to hook up with the opposite sex. You can try to meet people through interest groups. People who are compassionate and offer time to give usually want connection with others.
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