A
female
age
30-35,
*ittersweetxsymphony
writes:Hi, I'm new to this site. Basically I'm 17 (nearly 18) and have had a bit of a tough year. To cut a long story short this time last year I got broke up with my boyfriend, found out I was pregnant with his baby and had an abortion in February. My parent's divorced and I moved house an hour away from my friends and boyfriend (we got back together).I was really really messed up at first and I think I was depressed. I'm better now, but I still don't think I'm "right".I get upset over silly things, I found porn on my boyfriends computer the other day and I was so hurt by it.My new friends at college don't know about my abortion because I wanted to leave my past behind so they talk openly about abortions and babies and how people are stupid to get pregnant and it really upsets me but I don't know what to do about it because I don't want to tell them what happened to me.My old friends from where I used to live seem to be getting more enthusiastic about going out and getting drunk because we're all turning 18 but I hate getting drunk because I always end up arguing with someone and crying and spoiling everything. But I just feel like such a grumpy, unsociable sod when I say that I don't want to go out. When I see my friends I usually just want to go home or be with my boyfriend because I don't feel happy. I'm always in a bad mood at college which I hate and don't understand!My confidence and body image has hit rock bottom, especially since the boyfriend/porn incident, and I feel really ugly.But the thing is, sometimes I feel absolutely fine and happy! And others I feel like crap. So I don't know if there's really anything wrong with me or if I'm just being normal.I just don't really know what to do with myself! Because of the pregnancy I'm just in such a rush to get married and have children and I obsess about it all the time. I just want to skip the next few years until the time is right for me to start a family which I know sounds stupid coming from someone so young.What's wrong with me? What can I do to make myself happier? Is this something serious? x
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female
reader, bittersweetxsymphony +, writes (17 December 2008):
bittersweetxsymphony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am in college, I dropped out last year but started again at a different college in September.I can't decide whether I want to go to the doctor or not. I just don't want to be disappointed again and I really don't like councillors because there is nothing that they can do. I find just writing about my problems on here helps me a alot and lets me get things out of my system. The doctor wouldn't give me antidepressants even though she knew that I was suicidal. I don't know why because I know a few people who have been put on them in the past and they didn't go through half of the stuff that I went through. But at the same time I'm scared of antidepressants and I wouldn't want anyone to find out about them if I was on them.I was talking to my friend today at self esteem and we both admitted to having very low confidence and body image and I just realised how low my self esteem had gone. I feel so horrible about myself. I don't think I'm unattractive, but when I see myself in photos I always look so awful, even people who I see as worse looking than me look better in photos. It makes me feel so crap.I just can't believe that all of this happened a year ago. It feels like yesterday that I was at a new years party having just found out I was pregnant and watching everyone around me being so happy. I just can't believe it all really happened to me, it seems like a dream. I don't regret my decision to have an abortion because I know deep down that it was the right thing to do and having a baby would have just made things even more difficult. But I was just so attatched to the little thing growing inside me, it was just so unfair that it couldn't have happened at a better time with better situations and by now I would have a beautiful baby and wouldn't have had to go through all this crap.x
A
female
reader, bittersweetxsymphony +, writes (17 December 2008):
bittersweetxsymphony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your responses.
Firstly, I did talk about the porn thing to my boyfriend as soon as I found out. He was mad with me at first and accused me of snooping on him but he said he was sorry and said that he wouldn't do it again. But I still feel down about it and I get upset about the posters he has of naked girls and stuff. He thinks I'm being stupid about it.
I think going to the doctor would be a good idea but I'm scared to go. I went when before and after I had the abortion. I was so depressed and was suicidal. But all the doctor did was refer me to a councilling place who assessed me, said I was mildly depressed, and did nothing about it.
I don't like councillors because everytime I go to them I happen to be on a good day and don't really have anything to complain about so they think that there's nothing wrong with me.
Because I've just moved house I don't know any of the doctors at my local surgery and the last doctor I went to was absolutely useless. I don't want to waste my/their time.
I know in myself that I have a problem. I know that everything's not fine and normal. I'm unhappy alot and it probably doesn't help that I can't regularly see my boyfriend because we have a long distance relationship and I miss him all the time. He's the only one that I feel I can talk to about things but even him I can't entirely pour my heart and soul to.
In a way I blame him for everything that happened. When we broke up he kissed another girl (we were separated so "technically" he did nothing wrong. He told me about the kiss the day that I got pregnant and I was so upset that I wasn't even thinking about the risk of pregnancy or getting the morning after pill. Sure enough two weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test.
I dropped out of college because I was sick every 5 minutes, everyday from 5 weeks pregnant and missed too many lessons. I've had to deal with so much pain and he didn't have any so I think I will always resent him for that.
My friends in college are a year younger than me and they get upset about petty things. Because of my recent experiences I feel alot more mature than other people my age. I don't want to tell them to stop talking about it because it makes me sound suspicious and I really don't want them to know.
I just can't seem to get rid of my bad feelings. I'm always jealous and unhappy and angry x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Having an abortion is never easy.
Once you've got an unplanned pregnancy, there really are no painless options. Having the child and becoming a parent, having an abortion, having the child and putting it up for adoption, or even having a miscarriage. ANY of the possible outcomes tend to leave people with some emotional scars and unsettled feelings of doubt about it for years to come.
Your 20s are often a very shitty decade. Maybe the shittiest in your life or at least the second-shittiest. It produces a lot of funny stories you'll tell decades from now and you probably look great (whether you feel great or not) compared to the future, but that's about it. There's no stability in life or career, you're breaking free of your home family and you don't yet have anything to replace it with, and almost everyone (including your friends too) is going through major changes. This decade only looks like a blast on the sitcoms.
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A
female
reader, batfink +, writes (17 December 2008):
I'm sorry to hear about your problems darlin. You sound more anxious than depressed and it's understandable given all that has happened to you. Unfortunately a lot of men do look at porn. It's not anything to do with you or any deficiency with you, please don't worry about that. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then talk to him, but not in a confrontational way as that may make him defensive. Just let him know how it makes you feel given all that has happened in the past.An abortion can affect people in different ways. Many people are fine with it and a lot of people find it hard to deal with and it takes time to heal. It's not something that happens overnight and I happen to think your reaction is more normal than those who laugh and joke about it and unwanted pregnancies happen to a lot of people, not just stupid people. If you weren't happy and ready for a baby then you totally made the right choice. Your friends sound a little immature to be honest. If you want to stick around with them then learn your boundaries with them. Don't talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. you can always change the subject or ask them why on earth they want to talk about something so depressing. If they want to go out drinking then there's nothing stopping you from going out and not getting trashed. If you don't then they should respect that otherwise they're not very good friends.I would suggest going to your school counsellor about how you feel or asking for a referral from your GP. Having someone to talk to who is outside the situation often helps to get perspective.Don't be in a rush to get married and have kids. You're obviously feeling a sense of loss from the abortion and seem to be in a hurry to fill the void. Again counselling could help these feelings lessen and help you put things back into perspective. Time will heal hun. I know it probably feels insurmountable now and it seems like an awful cliche but you do need the time to get perspective and some help along the way.If you need a personal chat I'm always here xx
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A
female
reader, SayWhat?  +, writes (17 December 2008):
I went through some of the hardest times in my life when I was your age (i'm 27 now). I think you are really just reacting to the environment that you are in and the VERY stressfull situaitions you are going through. Divorce, abortion, and dating are all very serious things that can cause tremendous pressures to anyone.I completely understand your desire to skip couple years, because somewhere deep down you know it will get so much better... just don't rush it. For now, try to avoid making life-altering descisions until you feel a little more peace and clarity in your life. Focus on the day to day choices, so that the future you is a strong and confident woman who knows that she can deal with anything.If you're still having questions, try seeing a church counselor at no out of pocket cost. (You don't have to belong to most church's to get counseling and advice) Hope that helps!
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A
female
reader, Lizzybeth01 +, writes (17 December 2008):
 honey, you and me are two peas in a pod. I went through a similar experience about two years ago. My boyfriend and I got pregnant and I had an abortion (I told him I miscarried)...we dated another year and a half and then broke up. Guess what? I'm pregnant now with his child. I've been obsessed with getting married and have babies as well and I think it's because I'm missing something in my life and I hope that marriage and children will help feel it. My best advice to you is to start seeing a therapist. It was the best choice I could have every made. It's nice to have someone to talk to and offer opinions. I was put on anti depressents for a couple of months and eventually went off of them. I'm happier than ever now. Good luck! and keep us posted.
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