A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. First of all, thank you for your mostly kind responses to my last post. I'm the lady who posted about being raised by my grandparents. (I did not write the title). After a long period of failed relationships (four with men one with a woman). I've come to the conclusion that I don't like sex. I described in my last letter what happened when I tried to date a woman, but I never described what happened when I tried to date a man.High School doesn't count because it seems that's the age everyone tries to set up their friends. I had only two friends in HS and they were tighter with each other than they were with me. Part of that was because I was so restricted we barely saw each other and when we did it was usually heavily supervised. The rare occasion I could hang out unsupervised, my friends would "accidentally" run into some guy and then bolt, leaving me alone with him. At first I was excited but after awhile the guy ruined it by wanting to make out. I've always hated kissing either male or female although at first I thought it was his goatee. It's the sensation of a tongue in my mouth and having someone's face that close to mine. Whenever a guy touched me, even to put his arm around me, up to age 30 my first impulse was to cringe away. Obviously that hurt them and angered them. I felt bad and pretended I liked it.Through my 20's, I didn't get the opportunity to date a woman because I was only coming out for support from LGBT people and many thought I was faking it for attention. I was also too clueless and inexperienced for them.I did join a fundamental church in my late 20's briefly so I could have friends and be protected from guys trying to hit on me but they didn't like me either because I was new and it got out that I was partially out as bi. And I was ex Catholic to boot. I did learn a lot about the Bible and I enjoyed reading it cover to cover. I approached it like a long fiction book I'd later have a test on.I tried online dating and the guys had no interest in anything past two dates because I refused to get physical so soon. They both called me a gold digger when I said I wanted a few months of just dating (I was willing to pay for every other date) before we got physical. I was even going to a Christian dating site so I don't know.I met a guy through my work (sort of, he worked in the office across from the one I worked in) and we flirted for months. I just didn't realize we were flirting until he said, "when are we going to get past this flirting stage and actually start dating?" He took me out three times, was real respectful and gained my trust by going to my room without expecting more than making out with our clothes on for three months. Then, out of the blue when I was at his house for the first time (I lived in a co op but had my own room), he pushed me onto the bed and started kissing me really hard, saying " we've been teasing each other long enough". I froze. He lived in the country anyway but I couldn't scream or push him off me.He got my underwear down (I was wearing a skirt) and essentially fingered me but be I was so tense it hurt. He finally gave up, angrily told me to get dressed and then gave me $40 saying, "take a damn can home, don't say I never gave you anything". It took forever for the cab to come and he made me wait at the edge of his property. I just recently started dating on three asexual dating sites but I'm a slow learner I guess. Especially when it come to labels "biromantic asexual cis woman, aromantic pansexual transwoman" etc. This turns people off and I'm told I'm too closed minded and conservative! I'm a liberal, at least compared to my upbringing. But while I've dated two asexual men, they still wanted to get sexual after two dates and neither wanted to cuddle on the couch because they were repulsed by cuddling. But sex was okay? I ended up with both men mad at me, especially when the one looked at my laptop when I was in the bathroom and saw I used multiple dating sites.What do I do? What's wrong with me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): Don't give-up! Continue your seeking your niche! Sometimes you've got the right key, but you're working on the wrong keyholes!
As for seeking spiritual-enlightenment and worship? Please don't give-up on that either! You have to pray on it, and ask for God's guidance. It will come to you. Don't let "religious-people" ruin your search for God! God chooses us, we don't choose Him! He appreciates people like you, who don't live by the flesh or your lusts; but you seek something pure and real.
Being asexual is far from the average or usual. If you still like cuddles, you still need intimacy and affection. You just don't need the sex. I get it! When my first partner passed-away from cancer; I became celibate for almost two years. I just didn't feel any urge to be sexual with anyone. People tried, but I felt repulsed; and felt as though I was cheating on my partner. I was stricken with grief. I'm not totally oblivious to what you're trying to explain, my dear.
I took it upon myself to apologize, because I received an IM admonishing my opinion. It was taken out of context; but I owe it to all readers to let them know that although I am direct, there is never malice or "ignorance" behind my words.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 November 2019):
 Your lack of interest in sex is “sex-repulsed”, not asexuality (a lack of sexual attraction). If you also don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone, then you are likely ace, but because of that, not your dislike for sex.
As for joining in-person LGBT+ groups, you’re better off in online ones because you can find ones for people in your age group. Not everyone understands asexuals, as you’re also showing by your idea of what it is, so it could be that you’re not coming across well because you’re not totally sure of what the right term is. Asexuals also have their own online groups, just like everyone else, so try joining those to get a better understanding of yourself and other asexuals :)
I think you need to stop thinking of it as “asexual dating” and just “trying to make friends”. Asexuals do date, but you don’t really want to date. Keep trying with different hobbies and join a “cuddle buddy” website if you want to find a cuddle companion.
Throwing labels around doesn’t often help much. Labels are not invented to make people feel special, contrary to some opinions; they are made to better understand ourselves and others who feel the same as us. What you have described is not necessarily asexual, so avoid using that label until you know that it is the right one. Even then, find people who are like you regardless of orientation.
Lots of straight, gay, lesbian, bi, etc. people don’t like or want sex - so don’t focus on just asexuals. People who don’t like or want sex aren’t that rare, it’s just not common to talk about it because people compromise in relationships. Join asexual groups on Facebook and ASK if there is a group for sex-repulsed people (whether they are asexual or not). Go on a cuddle buddy website to look for someone fairly local who just wants a friend to cuddle and go out as companions to movies, lunch, theatre, etc. These people do exist, but they are not all asexual and focusing on orientation is not going to help much.
Please also get therapy for your past because it’s clear you still struggle with it and need some support to move forward :) It would also be helpful if you made an account on here, so we get notified of your replies and can piece your posts together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2019): Original Poster here.
Thanks for explaining that. :-) I say I'm asexual because I've tried sex with a woman and not only did it not come naturally, I was also grossed out by a lot of it. I tried sex with two men and it was physically impossible. Also, to put it bluntly I just don't get horny. At all. I need cuddles and companionship and I'm desperate for friends. I only introduce myself as ace and in dating sites and here: where it's rrelevant. It was the funds mental church that found out I was identifying as bi because a woman I thought was a friend opened her mouth just to be Petty. (I think). I could write a whole other post on churches I've tried, looking for something that matched my values and for fellowship. I have a hard time fitting in. I've tried the local LGBTQA chapter here in town and I'm not accepted and I think my age is a factor. Also, I've been told it's my ace status. I tried asking ppl at work to hang out and no one wants to but they're polite about it. I've tried book clubs, art classes at the museum, the dog park (I have a mini pit who is very sweet and a terrible burglar alarm), I've considered community theater and maybe music as I play the bass clarinet and a little piano. I'm at a loss
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2019): I am the same as you I've realised I can't date anymore as everyone wants sex so soon or they run and I don't really like sex. I am 45 so I feel I'm happy without sex and just a companion
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2019): If I may, I would like to clarify one of my remarks that may have been misunderstood; and may have conveyed insensitivity on my part.
"People try so hard to be something "different" from everybody else. They just gotta be "special." Then when they get treated "differently," they get confused."
I stand by this comment; but let me expound on what I mean by it.
By this comment, my meaning is that sometimes we create our own prisons. We may paint ourselves into a corner; when we overthink, or characterize ourselves as overly-complex. We even unintentionally take it to extremes in an attempt to get attention; or simply because we haven't come to terms with feelings or behavior we don't understand. We must learn to love ourselves; and purge things that we do that undermines our character, or might be self-destructive. It isn't that nobody likes us. We may sabotage things, because we fear we can't meet all their expectations, or can't believe we deserve it. Even feel nobody will ever live-up to our expectations.
That's what self-awareness, and self-discovery is all about. Figuring-out who we are, how we fit; and accepting what we cannot change that nature gave us to make us totally unique.
Uniqueness only sets us apart as individuals; it does not redefine us as anything more or less than human. We simply may have some imperfections or awkwardness that makes connecting to others more challenging. In time, we figure it out.
God made us to be together as couples, friends, and families. To love each other! He also gave us gifts, talents, and even flaws to make us special to Him. We are His works of art, and His creations. We are also made to love and care for each other as humans. People don't always have to change to suit us; we may have to grow and evolve to adapt to our environment. If we need to, seek help from others to help us understand who we are.
The remark may not have conveyed the intended meaning; I apologize to anyone who may have taken offense.
I am very "different" and coming to terms with "who I am" is taking a life-time. I discover something new everyday; and others have been instrumental in helping me to be better. No one is too different or so unusual that they no longer fall into the category of being "human."
The only thing that strips us of our humanity is being insensitive, cruel, or abusive to others. Otherwise, we are all capable of the same faults, weaknesses, and imperfections. Never feel there is no one who can relate to who you are; and what you've been through. Just don't allow overthinking to create a prison or wall around you that you will never escape! By thinking there is something so wrong with you, absolutely no one understands.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 November 2019):
I’m disappointed with the ignorance in comments about people “inventing labels to be special”. No, people invent labels (just like all words are invented) to better understand themselves and others. Most of the time, the people making negative comments about labels are those who are lucky not to need them. On occasion, you get some LGBT+ people who moan about labels and forget how lucky they are to have “gay” or “lesbian” largely accepted, for example. The acceptance of that means being negative about other labels is hypocritical.
Asexual = lack of or no sexual attraction. It does not mean you automatically don’t want a relationship or sexual intimacy. Asexuals bodies are the same as anyone else’s; some want sex and some don’t.
You don’t like sex. That doesn’t make you asexual on its own. Do you get sexually attracted to (turned on by) some people, even if you don’t actually want sex? If yes, you’re unlikely to be asexual (unless it’s rare). If no, you are probably asexual.
Those men were probably not asexual - not because they wanted sex; many asexual people still enjoy sex, but because they were anti-cuddling and not sex.
If you go on an asexual dating site, you MUST be clear that you enjoy cuddling but do not want sex. Dating anyone, regardless of sexuality, is risky and can lead to awful dates where you want different things.
I really recommend that you get some therapy. Deal with your past before trying to date anyone, then update your dating profile to be clear about what you want.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2019): Thanks again everyone I'll update when I have more time :-D
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2019):
 I agree with FA
Focus on unpacking your past and working though that. Dating will be "easier" when you know and understand yourself better, what you want, what you have to offer etc.
And work on making friends, your social skills as well. Again, this will make it "easier" to date.
From what you write you sound like you want a companion more than a spouse. And that is OK. But when you ARE as specific with what you want, most dating sites are going to be kind of useless and the "tiny tiny minority" you are looking for are HARD to find, you would have to wade though SO many "mad matches" that dating would become pointless. The two men you met already were full of crap, they were not asexual if cuddling was disgusting and sex was OK, that is just not how asexuals "work". And the second guy who went through your laptop? WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!?? that is just wrong! (of him)
And it's OK to be a little conservative, OP It isn't a DIRTY word! And again, it IS OK to not know all these new fangled, and quite frankly, ridiculous labels people invent to feel "special".
Focus on YOU and getting healthy, mentally. To let the past go and MOVE forward.
I'd say WAIT with trying to date until you are in a better spot in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): There's nothing wrong with you! You've had some horrible adverse experiences, emotional abuse and control and sexual assault. Give yourself a break!
Some guys are going to join asexual dating websites and lie about being asexual because that is what some men are like. I wonder though, if you're asexual would you be happy with a female asexual partner? Does it have to be male?
If it has to be male the then word youre looking for is heteroromantic asexual. If it can be either it's biromantic asexual or if it was only women it would be homoromantic asexual. the lingo is just for people to be clearer about what they want! It's nothing to get worried about.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 November 2019):
 Oh also, Please join the site and get a screen name so we can connect your posts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): People try so hard to be something "different" from everybody else. They just gotta be "special." Then when they get treated "differently," they get confused.
Well, you carry your sign saying "asexual" and "victim of my grandparents" everywhere you go. Try just being a person. Stop looking for dates. All you want is a friend. If you're so complicated and have so many unusual traits nobody can figure-out; the usual response is they will get tired of all your peculiarities, and will not like you.
Try being ordinary, kind, and likable. Forgive your grandparents for loving you, overprotecting you, and being too strict. Your posts are long complaints and nothing on earth works for you. That's your problem!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 November 2019):
Asexual and sexual aversion are two different things. Some people are both.
I've been reading you but I'm really afraid to put a label on your sexuality. It's better just to say that you are you. The sum of your experiences and attitudes.
You ended by asking 2 questions. I like questions because it guides our advice to your perceived needs. You asked "What's wrong with me?" Well you've had some bad experiences. You've been in sexual situations that you didn't want. Assault, rape, abuse, those horrible labels could be applied to your experiences. And underneath all of that is a continuous push to date. You desire a companionship that you haven't been able to find. So what is wrong? Well you are in recovery. You are having normal reactions to bad things. And you really don't know what exactly it is you need.
Your first question was " What do I do?" So combining your desire for dating level (or more) companionship, and your running into a disaster every time you get into a relationship. I think you need some counseling, and likely some therapy. Some professional assessment and help. Amature help online is not up to this challenge. Off of the top of my head, you need individual counseling, sex therapy, and eventually couples counseling.
I think the only help we can give you here is to help you understand what other people in your experience were thinking. In short they were doing what made sense to them. You were doing what made sense to you. The actions didn't line up well and everyone got frustrated.
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