A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. We are in a tricky situation at the moment and could do with some advice. Me and my husband have been together 9 years. I have 2 Step children. He broke up with ex 2 years before me. His ex is a true narcissist. She doesn’t have any friends anymore and hasn’t spoken to her family in over 5 years and now she is single. My 2 step children are used in a way you can’t imagine. If she is awful to them, she will later buy them a new iPad/phone etc to win them back. She has filled there heads with things about my husband and now my gorgeous step daughter believes her. Now after everything that has happened, this is one of the worst. So she calls my husband up and tells him she has cancer and needs a hysterectomy. She then tells him she has meningitis but we can’t tell the kids as it would worry them. 2 days after coming out of hospital she is driving, then going out nightclubbing. You are supposed to be off work for 6 weeks and can’t legally drive. Her Mum has also said she is lying. She then rings up my husband and asks for more money. We give her a huge rise, but for her it’s not enough (she has just booked a holiday though). She then says to the kids we haven’t looked after her because she is a bit ill and we are then told we can’t see them. We have been backwards and forwards to court and it never works. We have also been to Social Services and because they are fed, clothed etc, we can’t do anything. I hate the fact she is lying so much but is getting away with it. What can we do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 November 2019):
 Talk to your husband and you two decide what the next move should be.
HAVE an united front (so to speak) which means HE doesn't give her money unless you TWO agree and that it IS for the kids, not for her.
I know the courts in many places DO favor the mother when it comes to kids. Nothing new there. But I would look into a mediating done by the court system, so the kids can still see their dad without her "getting away" with just choosing to no send/let them.
She might THINK he isn't paying enough and well, tough cookies for her. SHE doesn't get to decide the amount. The courts does based on the KIDS needs, not hers.
I can't imagine how frustrating this is for you and your husband. And how unfair it is for the kids.
As for what YOU personally can do. It's hard. Aside from talking to your husband and ENSURE you are both on the same page here, I can guess he gives in to her demands more often than not because he thinks it's best for the kids? I think I would gently explain to him that HE is enabling her by giving her what she wants at a whim.
Whether or not she is a narcissist or not... I don't know. If she is one, well that isn't going to change. Just like her notions of what the kids should be later in life, nothing you can do about that. Other than IF your SS brings it up, support him in whatever endeavor HE wants to pursue.
Whatever you and your husband choose to do, DO IT for the kids, not her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2019): Thank you all for your advice and opinions.
Just to clarify, my step daughter is 12. She was a baby when her mum threw my husband out (she was seeing someone else). I didn’t meet SD till she was 3 tho as wanted to make sure me and my husband was stable. She is gorgeous and does just accept that her mum is the way she is.
I am aware that I have no rights, but I simply do not know what to do with bio mum. She tends to come to me over a lot of things as I have always maintained that I like her to the kids, but the fact she has now made up these illnesses and then taken the kids away because she thinks my husband isn’t paying enough (we pay what’s ordered through the government system). I just don’t know how to handle that.
And yes, I am aware that all ‘ex wives’ can be called narcissistic, but trust me, she is. It’s all about control and she can make all the plans in the world, but we can’t at all. It’s also about her kids being bullied & punished all the time (eg, she has told everyone that my SS is going to be a solicitor, however all he wanted to do was sports - he was then punished for making her look bad).
Thank you again for taking your time to read my problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2019):
It's always a tough situation when you have things going on that you have no control over.
Like what she says to the kids. You can't MAKE her only say XYZ, you can't MAKE her be a better person, and you can't MAKE her not play the "victim" to try and garner sympathy with the kids.
THAT is all out of your control.
The things you (or rather your husband, the kids father) CAN control is things like money, and taking her to court if she KEEPS messing with his court ordered visitation rights.
Outside of court ordered child maintenance he OWES her squat, financially. He is NOT (unless it's ordered by the courts) obligated to FUND vacations SHE wants to take with or without the kids. Or any other extras SHE wants. UNLESS HE find it reasonable (let's say one of the kids wants dance lessons and needs tap-shoes and fees), or new school uniforms, dentist visits, that would be a reasonable extra cost.
And while I GET that YOU have grown to love the kids, you really HAVE no rights when it comes to them, your husband AND their mother does.
Kids are smart. And they know when things are murky, when parents lie (not always but often). But they are also LOYAL to their parents. Even if said parent is a total cow. She will ALWAYS be their mother, and thus they will always (to a point) have some sense of love and loyalty towards her. Usually less to a father since fathers are the ones who physically leaves the home and less often have custody.
You husband is NOT helping the situation OR the kids by giving in to "demands" for extra money. He is in fact enabling her drama. It needs to stop.
I hope your husband keeps a written documentation of WHEN she ignores the visitation schedule and consider going BACK to courts to try and get her to stick to what was mandated and arraigned. Sometimes the BIG lawyer/solicitor fees can be avoided with a 3rd party mediator. That would be up to the family courts.
This really IS your husband circus, HIS monkeys and something HE needs to sort out. I know it sucks to be on the sideline, but that is how it goes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2019): Cindy cares, fair one that the girl is probably a teenager, however to decipher her character without knowing a thing about her is just plain second guessing. OP stated the girl is lovely not one hint that is generally a difficult child, not all teenagers are brats with the attitude that was described in great detail!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2019):
 Anon female : The poster did not say her step-daughter is a teenager, but- simple math makes it very probable.
The OP's husband married her 9 years ago after having left his first wife 2 years before. So, 11 yeas ago this stepdaughter was already born. Now, of course, is she was just a newborn when her dad left, she would be only 11 now.
And if she was only 1, she would be 12 now ( and becoming a teenager next year . Tomayto tomahto ). But if she was 2, or more, she must be a teenager now.
Just saying.
Anyway : op, legally you have no grounds for intervention, if the kids are regularly fed, clothed, schooled etc., and they are not being physically or sexually abused.
Not only,also the rest , whether you like it not, it's really not skin off your nose: What she chooses to say to her kids about her health or what she wants to do in her free time- I am not saying it's good or right, BUt- it's really none of your business.
You do your thing, treat the kids right regardless , with patience and affection, be there for them , stick to what the Court ordered - and eventually perseverance will win the day.
What you can, or actually your husband can do, is stopping giving her money on request for everything that was not strictly Court mandated, i.e. child support, or alimony if she is legally entitled to it. Tell your husband to grow a backbone and say no to extra requests. The ex will respect him more if she sees he won't let her walk all over him , and also will understand that if she exceptionally finds herself in a fix and needs a helping hand- then she needs to play nice and be cooperative rather than antagonistic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): Where has the poster said the daughter is a teenager? Are you sure the court isnt an option again if she repeatedly stops their father from seeing his children? Have you a diary of the things she does, the dates etc? Its maybe worth looking into if there is a court order in placeThe children can and they often do get brainwashed and if money is thrown at them then they will often side with the cash cow. I wouldn't be giving her more money, you are rewarding her behaviour, give her a reasonable and fair amount,maybe explain to the kids any extra money you are putting into a bank for their future.Stay unbiased to the children regards their mother, show them and give them love and consistency as anc when you see them, dont bad mouth the mother to anyone that might know her, as best as ignore her shitty behaviour, keep your head down and focus on your family unit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): Corrections:
"She's got you all at each other's throats. Meanwhile, she's staying out past curfew; or running with a bad crowd. Be vigilant!"
P.S.
Teenagers behaving badly or acting-out, is usually to distract you from something they're hiding. You'll address the obvious; while they're hiding what they're really up to. Does she have a boyfriend? Do you know her friends? Is she popular? Maybe she's the apple that didn't fall far from the tree! Just keep an eye on her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): You can't control what the kids decide to believe. They have to get older and figure things out. Kids are kids!
You can sit them down, and tell them what's going on from your perspective. If they're old enough for fancy phones, they're old enough to reason with. If she spoils them with gadgets; they're just playing both sides against each other, because they've learned how to manipulate you. Your so-called gorgeous stepdaughter is apparently a teenager, and that's how they roll. Younger kids follow their lead. They coerce younger-children to misbehave in a way to gain power over you. They will also punish their dad for breaking-up their family for their own reasons. There is resentment in both the ex and the kids.
Ex-wives/ex-girlfriends attached by kids use and abuse that connection to punish their exes. Obviously, they are jealous; and don't want to see him happy with another woman. You will get baby-mama drama, as long as she knows she can effectively rock the boat. Unless it's court-ordered, you don't have to give her raises or bow to her every whim. Bribes don't work, because she will only raise the bar!
She lied about her illness. Next time, ask to see her medical diagnosis report. Otherwise, ignore her and move on. Let her tell the children, if she is really ill. They will easily figure it out; because she has to go to the doctor, and she will show symptoms of illness.
When you remarry a man with children, the woman who had them comes with the package. The time to decide if you can handle the personality of the ex and kids, was before committing to marriage. Once you're in, you're in!
You have to learn how to bob and weave her distractions. As the kids grow older, they'll begin to understand things. Just make sure when they're in your care, you're teaching them good values. Don't spoil them with material-things; and don't show them you're adversarial towards their mother. She will use that against you.
You grit your teeth, and stand your ground. Confront her when you know you're right. If the oldest-child is turning against her dad, trust that some no-count boy is in the mix; and she's deflecting in order to turn your attention away from what she's up to. She wants an excuse to runaway to her mother when you say no; and lay guilt on you when her mother is the thorn in her side. She's got you all at each other's throats; meanwhile, she's staying out past curfew; or running with a bad crowd. Be diligent!
You can't do anything about his ex. She's a part of the deal. You have to outsmart her. You have to teach the kids the difference between right and wrong by setting the example for them. Leave most of dealing with her nonsense to your husband. If it directly affects you, then you address whatever offenses are directed at you. Other than that, you can move far-away; and set-up a trust that doles-out her money to her for necessities.
If she lies, she lies! You can't control what she says or does. If she breaks the law, then file charges against her. If she abuses the children, file for child-custody. If the kids are 16 or older; then let them decide whether they're with her, or want to be with you. Don't let them manipulate you with bad-behavior; set rules and reinforce them when they're in your house.
If she gets away with stuff, maybe it's because she's a grand-manipulator; and you just haven't matched her wit! Your husband roped you into a mess; so you'll learn to watch your back. With practice, and out of self-preservation; you'll learn how to maintain harmony in your household, in spite of her antics.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): Unless it's child support or something you don't have to give her money. But it sounds like what you really want is to stop contact between the children and their mother. I'm always struck by how many ex wives are so called narcissists. Truly an epidemic. Legally you don't have a leg to stand on. Unless she has caused significant harm (under the legal definition) you're just going to have to put up with it.
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