A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Has anybody ever had a lifelong friend who just refuses to be normal. I used to think this friend is going through a bad time in life so I tried to support and accept a careless friendship. However now it’s been some time and I feel like this friend is doing everything and anything they can to hurt me and I don’t understand why. I understand people can change so I am accepting of this until I see him act different with another friend or two. I just feel extremely left out and feel like I am chasing him. The issue arises when I try to withdraw, my other friends keep asking where I am, yet my closest friend doesn’t bother. He gets his information from them on where I am etc so he doesn’t ever need to contact me. I often feel like I am not invited by him, but by others. The others all see what is happening yet they don’t interfere in our friendship and I know they keep quiet and try not to interfere as me and my close friend have been friends since nursery, if he is cold my other friends still make effort with me. I know I have not done anything wrong, so why do I feel like I am being invisibily punished. Most recent even has been I have needed some help and a chat really as things haven’t been working out. After months and years of listening, supporting and helping him, where is my friend to listen to me? It’s crazy I’m a man in my middle age and I’m squirming about a friend. It’s like he knows he is doing it yet I can’t prove it. Admitting this to him I feel usually brings more pain as he enjoys it. Sometimes I think because my life has been going well it’s resentment, now I have been struggling I feel like his happy. I wish I am wrong but I have had a person or two say this as there is no short term reason. I have ALWAYS given more than I have taken. The conversation is ALWAYS about him. I haven’t been asked a question about me for around 2-3 months. Even my neighbour asks how I am. He just jumps into his life successes and how successful his day was, or how much income he has been generating as well as all success stories and plans. I thought I was part of his struggle but it’s seems to me as if his just bitter about his own life and I feel I am being punished. Is this far fetched thinking?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 November 2019):
 It's ok to be sad that the friendship has come to this. I get it.
I have lost a friend or two along the way, some losses more painful than others, but it CAN happen.
My VERY best friend has only know me for 18 years (compared to the rest who are 30+ years of friendships but they are across the Atlantic so we don't get to meet up, except over tech and well, people are busy.
I have also made a newer friend after we moved and they have NEVER met my parents or known me in my young days or whatnot but they can still become a good friend. So DO NOT hold yourself back from meeting new people and perhaps making a new friend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2019): You'll learn in life that give and take is not always 50/50. You will also learn that even your best of friends are capable of envy and a lapse in loyalty. Envy can even come-over you from time to time! We can't always be 100% honest or candid with our besties. However, that should still be the goal. Truthfulness is a prerequisite to maintain and empower any relationship for the long-term. We hit snags and challenges...the connection gets strained! It should be flexible and elastic to a reasonable degree. It should also have boundaries, rules, and limitations. Sensitivity to each other's feelings is not just an option!!!
You are dealing with a fellow human-being, afterall! Your friendship is maturing. As you get older, you'll take notice of character-traits, quirks, and behavior you easily dismissed as kids. You're now seeing him through the eyes of an adult; with more discernment than you did as boys. There's stuff you should outgrow.
The difficult thing about lifelong-buds, is that love for them will force us to forgive even the worse transgressions and offenses against us. We write it off as just a mishap, or a snag. You can't get along or agree 100% in any kind of relationship. You have ups and downs, arguments, and sometimes you may stop speaking to each other; until tempers cool-down, and everyone regains reason and composure. Then you forgive, forget, and move on.
You can still forgive, but you don't have to remain friends. Dependent on what transpired, and how badly you are hurt. You either grow with me, or apart from me!
There then comes a time when the friendship is severely damaged. You start to see red-flags, notice strange patterns, shady-behavior, discover dishonesty, and even backstabbing. You'll become conflicted and hurt; because your love is deep and well-established. You have history! Now what?
If you have a strong sense of loyalty; you will go out of your way to sustain your loyalty, because it's woven into the fabric of your personality. That's how you roll! Ride or die! You won't let a friend down! Unfortunately, you can only stand on your own principles; and account for your own behavior. He is a distinct and separate individual; with his own values and opinions. His own ways! What didn't matter much as kids, changes once you become responsible and conscientious-adults.
You have to have a man-to-man discussion about the weird behavior. Call it out! Man-up and face the situation. You're practically brothers! You know him well, and you're getting vibes that don't jive with your usual bro-hood!
You have to be direct and honest. No time to be vague, or elusive. Tell him what you have observed that is out of the ordinary, and what offends you. Get it out in the open. He will either tell you what it is on his mind; or he will dismiss your concerns. If the love is there, he will bare his soul and make amends. He may not even realize he's becoming somewhat of a jerk; because nobody ever tells him so. He figures as long as everybody puts up with it, it's okay! Well, he's a man now...and that makes him accountable!
If you find yourself running into a wall; or he becomes retaliatory, or takes everything in a negative-way. You must conclude that the honor you've bestowed him as your bestie has to be withdrawn; and re-assigned to someone more worthy of it. Friends are replaceable. Some are expendable, and some need a boot to the behind!
Loyalty isn't blind, it depends on trust and an exchange of goodwill. If he is jealous, he still should be called-out on it. A friend celebrates your victories and accomplishments. We all feel a little pang of jealousy now and then; but when it becomes noticeable and persistent, or if it won't pass. That is an indication friendship has reached the expiration-date.
That is the point in time when you may have to wish each other well, and put distance between you. You can still maintain mutual-friends, just don't hang the title of best-friend where it doesn't belong. You don't have to make a major announcement about it, just let it evaporate into the ozone. You'll become friendly-acquaintances and spend less (or no more) one-on-one time. You have to put your boyhood sentimentalities aside; and assess the friendship for what it is, and what it isn't.
You're both men now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2019): True. Speechless. I just wasted my life. I am envious of people with friends. Sometimes I over hear the conversations of friends and I think ...wow how lucky. I’ve even heard friends praise each other, congratulate! Ask them how they life is? Sigh. I’m married too. I was okay with my one buddy, don’t have time to make new friends all over again. You can’t share experiences and memories. My best friend knew my mother and father. My new friends will never know me from that time when my parents were around.
I’m sorry this is depressing but it’s like fire inside.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2019):
So why do you still consider him a friend?
Seems like he isn't REALLY regarding you as a friend as he chooses to not invest in you, to not give but only take.
My advice? Phase him out.
My guess is if YOU have been supporting him when he was down, he resents that YOU know he needed that support once upon a time. Some people don't like having "weak" moments or asking for and needing help.
The only one PUNISHING you, is you. By still keeping him around.
Friends should LIFT you up, give and take, WANT to know how you are doing not just monologue about their own stuff. It should be a 2 way street and if YOU always make ALL the effort, what's the point? You can do that with a rock!
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