A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So...long story short, I was dating this guy (Y) since end of Jan. We had been friends first for a couple years, but we met through my ex (they are friends). My ex started dating a girl that I thought was a friend of mine (note: I don't care they date, but apparently she has no interest in being my friend anymore). Anyway, so word leaked out that I was seeing Y because I had told some girls that I did not realize had any connection to my ex (I didn't find out he was dating my friend until much later).So...my ex found out and basically told man Y that he had to stop dating me and being friends with me. We continued to teeter on dating, though, then he started to flake on me. I was going on a trip for 11 days and the two weeks prior he stopped really calling, etc. He tried to get a hold of me a couple of times, but we ended up playing phone tag. So I left.Two days into my trip, he emailed me. Only I didn't check email while away so I got it about 10 days later. Here is the email:Hi there,I don’t know if you are checking email while over there, but hello!I need a get out of jail free pass… just to cut to the chase. I cannot explain the last two weeks over email, but maybe when you come back. To put it abbreviated, I almost quit and so did two others very close to me here, my basement flooded, I almost lost two friends, and life as I knew was horrible. I am better now, but still obviously feel badly that we never spoke or met up before you left.Everyone needs one of these passes once in a while, if there is one available, I would like to use it.Thanks for everything. I hope you are having a great time. Is it just wine every night or are you mixing in other things??? Did you still bring heals like a good American girl???I hope you are well and your trip is awesome.LoveYI appreciated his honesty, but part of me felt he was just making excuses. And he's been so hot/cold that I'm just confused at this point (esp. cause he signed his email "love"?! he'd never done that before!) PLUS, I heard through the grapevine that while I was gone he told my ex he was going to stop seeing me (apprently this is like some contest for my ex and his new gfriend cause they told a lot of people, as if they won or osmethign?! anyway, so it got back to me)...So this was my response:Y,I am a very understanding and forgiving person. I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough couple of weeks. I do appreciate the explanation for turning your back to me during that time.As badly as you may feel for your actions, it does not negate them. And, it's not just the couple of weeks before I left...I just don't see how I fit into your life?We've teetered on the dating line for months. I greatly enjoy having you as part of my life, I think you're wonderful, and I don't regret the time we've spent together. But, in a romantic aspect I'd like a bit more from a relationship than what we've had and this doesn't seem to be progressing.If this is a friendship thing, you say you are such a good friend to people, that you put others ahead of yourself, that you just want to make everyone happy, but you haven't shown me that friendship reliability over the past several weeks and then some. You need to be clear as to what you want.I have never let my deeper feelings for you, our less than enviable circumstances, or personal life stresses cloud the fact that I respect and appreciate you as a person and a friend, first and foremost. Thus, I've always been open and honest with you - whether it be respecting the need to walk away from each other last summer, appreciating the little time we did manage to share given conflicting schedules the past few months or understanding how difficult our circumstances have made things the past few weeks. I have been more than fair.Y, I do think you are a wonderful person and I wish only good things for you. But, to be fair, I think you need to be clearer as to why you need a get out of jail free pass.He has NEVER responded to this email?!?! He has just disappeared?!I think it's clear, he has chosen his friendship with my ex over me, but I would understand that - we've talked about it - and I told him that! So, why not just pick up the phone and say "I can't do this"????Last summer when our feelings first came out for each other, it was too close to home for me as I had JUST broken up with my ex, so I did that. As much as it hurt me, I called him up and asked for time and space...respectfully.I am shocked he is treating me with such disrespect! and, esp. cause I feel he has the easiest out in the world right now. He could've walked away with his head held high, but instead, he's running for the hills with his tail between his legs...WHY?!
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): thanks but I KNOW he got the email - his life is through email given his job, so it's HIGHLY unlikely he didn't get it. And, I check my spam folder consistently for mis-filed emails, so I am pretty positive I didn't miss a response...
I agree, throw him a damn pity party for all the drama in his life?! I think he's just always been a smooth talker and he's just trying to talk his way out of his poor behaviour...only I'm not accepting it.
The oddest thing is at hte beginning of us dating, he WANTED to tell my ex to shove it - basically he was going to say "this is how it is, you can be my friend or not" apparently, that's gone by the wayside.
Guess he wasn't that into me...
No idea why my ex thinks he can tell people what to do...good thing is he doesn't have that control over me anymore!
Thanks for the input.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Odd situation. Exactly what makes your ex think he has the right to tell someone else who they should or should not date?
Y certainly ain't showing much backbone. I think most of us would have told our friend where to shove it if they told us to stop dating someone even an ex.
You ain't in high school anymore.
His "excuses" seem odd to say the least. Quit from what? Why should it be upsetting two other almost quit? Basement flooded? So call the fire brigade and your insurance man. Lost two friends almost (your ex and his gf?)?
Is he a bit of a drama-queen?
You know him best, why would he behave like this if not for the fact that he didn't care enough for you in the first place?
But one final note. E-mail is NOT reliable. It gets lost, is mis-labeled as spam and people loose their accounts all the time. The simplest reason why you might not have gotten a reply is that he either never got your email or you never got that reply. Happens all time.
Do NOT rely on e-mail for critical communication.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Thank you for all of your responses!!! (and I would still love even more feedback)! :)
I do think he is a very weak person. Part of me really still believes that he wants to be with me - and it's not just cause that's what I want, I just think it was there for both of us. And, that he would be with me if it weren't for my ex...
BUT, I think he's too weak to stand up to him. Just like, he's too weak to be honest with me and break it off if that's the case. More than just weakness, though, I think he's just the type of person that can't stand to have anyone upset with him. Which is why he won't choose me and say screw you to his friend and why he doesn't want to disappoint me by saying "we can't be together".
I think his email was a cry for acceptance, really. I mean, I can see how it's a dump-via-email, as well. But, he knows he behaved badly and he was just trying to play mr. niceguy to have me not mad at him. Just like telling my ex he's no longer dating me, he thinks all will be well between them (when, I'm pretty sure the damage in that relationship is already done...). Reading his email I realized as much as he EXPLAINED why he went MIA, he didn't even APOLOGIZE?! So, that's why I knew it wasn't sincere and that's why I decided to stand up for myself with my response...I don't think ignoring people is mature or right, but I didn't have to accept his email laying down...
Anyway, confused and scared are the best words to describe him and I don't have time for either in my life.
It does suck right now cause I did put my heart into him, but I am so proud of the way I have handled myself this time around - with dignity and grace and respect, understanding and compassion towards him. The mistake(s) was/were not on my side this time and if anything, that is a good feeling to have...
thanks again!!!XOXO
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): This guy dumped you by email. That alone was disrespectful and he was weak. You don't need this, in your life, do you. You need time to heal, recover and accept. Judging from your posting, you are an articulate, bright girl. You have brains. But your heartfelt emotions were engaged with this fellow and that is what hurts...right now. At this moment in your life, you have learned another hard life lesson, about love, relationships. Anytime you date someone, that is that risk. There is really nothing you can do to make yourself feel better at this moment.. So be strong and refuse to allow this to take you down. .
Listen hun each person reacts to rejection differently, but it's natural to feel angry and disappointed when we ourselves, use that poor judgement. While these are normal responses, some of us go too far to criticize ourselves, much longer than necessary, And we know that can be so counterproductive to personal growth. It really drags a person down. Tame your inner critic. Learn to accept what happened and this was about his weakness. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize this guy is 'yesterday's news". It will be hard for awhile, but learn to never let "yesterday use up too much of today". And accept you made a poor choice. That is part of life. We all do that, but the poorest choice is to be blind and is not to learn from them It takes courage to accept and work to understand our own choices and but by learning from those choices, our future relationships can grow richer, deeper, and more meaningful. Heal, recover and move on, hun....my heart is with you. Hugs, Irish
...............................
A
female
reader, Hotstuff_405 +, writes (6 June 2008):
I think he didnt answer because it wasnt sincere in the first place...he was acting hot with you then cold..then just disapeared. he obviously just wrote you becuase he needed something..he didnt get what he wanted so he started acting all cold again..lose this jerk he isnt worthe even thinking about...and just ignore him next time he ask for something...p.s. im going through the same thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (6 June 2008):
 i personaly think he just cant make a decision. i think he wants you and he wants his friend to not be mad at him, which he also dousnt want you to be mad at him. so im guessing that hes trying to figure out what he wants to do, and if he cant figure it out he will just not talk to you.
...............................
|
