A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry, this is very personal and embarrasing and long so you can stop reading if you’re offended by threesomes or anything taboo. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years amd we have lived together since 6 months together and we’re in love, we have a beautiful relationship based on trust. The thing is we were at a party for the first time in three years and we were drinking and this girl appeared out of nowhere to help me when he said to fix my makeup and she offered to help me, then she kind of sticked to us. She was normal not really attractive and I don’t know how she started hitting on me. She was saying things girls always say like “you are so pretty” “ then she said I like you a lot. Then she said if she made it clear enough that she likes me. I was litterally blushing because she was so sweet but I didn’t think she meant it in a sexual way I honestly thought she was joking. Then we were dancing me and my boy and I was high so I remember this like she standing in front of me and she started touching me while we were dancing and I just couldn’t believe it was happening because I am secretly bisexual (boyfriend is aware of this he knows it all) I have always wanted to experience sex with a girl. I am sexually attracted when I see a girl that is super cute or hot It’s like my ultimate fantasy that has never happened and it makes me so sad because my boy said he would never let it happen not even in a threesome because he doesn’t want to share me and I respect that. I am 24 and I am in a life crisis because I was a teen mother twice and I grew up raising my two kids and I never did anything reckless because it always made me self conscious about them, I always put first what is best for them and how should a mom behave but The truth is I am tired of having so much prejudices in my mind and I am getting rid of them because I am not religious anymore. My crisis is I feel I have missed out on so much and I am becoming old (got my first wrinkle this week) and I feel that I have so many desires that most likely will remain fantasies forever like travelling.The thing is we were dancing and he said to my ear that he saw her grabbing my v and that she said to him that she wants a threesome. He was saying like “what is up?” because he didn’t want to be disrespectful and I asked him “do you want to?” And he said “no” and I said then no means no. She tried to kiss me and I just turned my head because I didn’t like her a lot. I was horny because of my fantasy but her touching me didn’t do much more than the ecstasy.Then we were dancing and I swear I saw him touch her waist slightly grabbing her from the back because she was in front of my boy and a part of me literally died. I was like why did he said No and now I see him touch her back! I was f*cking pissed but then again I was high so I didn’t let it get to me. I just thought well it’s all my fault and we are just having fun.The girl sticked to us the rest of the party until morning but my boyfriend was by my side all the time and never did anything else that I can remember. She begged him to take her home with us (I don’t really remember that) and he said no. I know he doesn’t like her and that’s why he doesn’t want to have a threesome but I know he’s slept with 1 night stands girls that are way uglier and skankier than her and he’s met them in the same club so I find it so selfish that he did every chick when he was solo and now he wants to miss out on this girl who wants it so bad but also I am so confused because I got jealous of him grabbing her. My mind is blowing and I can’t talk to my therapist because she doesn’t know I am bisexual I feel it’s a taboo for christian people and I fear she tells my mom and my mom would be so dissapointed and destroyed (she would stop talking to me) but it’s just my sex dream. I have had sex with boys since the beggining to try to “cure” my sinful desire and I got pregnant and I never explored that side of my sexuality. She is begging that we see eachother and I wanted to see her just to mess around but I don’t want my boyfriend around because He doesn’t like her anyway so I don’t wanna push him. I don’t like her but I want to play I feel like it’s my chance, But I don’t want to hurt the love of my life asking him because he told me that we should block her or ignore her and he doesn’t want me to be friends with her but I just crave the sex so bad! I have found he sees porn and I feel like this would be like my personal porn because It doesn’t involve feelings. Am I a bad person? Do you find my behavior sick? what would you do in my position, what is right and what is wrong and how to be safe and can I even be honest because we already had the talk. He did admit he did grab her slightly because she was in front of him dancing and he though It’s what I wanted to set up the mood and I get him but he said no threesome. She even tried to kiss him and he turned away but I didn’t see that. Help me please this is too much to process right now.
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christian, horny, jealous, porn, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 May 2018):
 Thanks for more follow up. That adds a lot to your question. Some relationships are based on jealousy and fear. They tend to be short and volatile. Mature long term relationships are based on love and trust. You will need to shift your thinking and emotions in that direction to keep this relationship alive.
I hope you do see the conflict in your desire to bring in an extra lover, and your jealousy of his porn use, and your desire for the things he did with previous lovers, and your jealousy of his touches. That conflict defines your "crisis".
You have made your choice, but the crisis is still there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2018): Thank you WiseOwlE, you really helped me think through my confused ideas and restablish what my values are. The fantasies part that you said is gold for me now, I really appreciate it, thank you because it will stay with me forever. Thank you Honeypie, I had never seen from that point of view that once something is done you can’t go back. I wish I knew this when I lost my virginity the most stupid way. I am like this, I was rushing so hard that I didn’t tell the boy In was a virgin because he wouldn’t believe me the first time I mentioned it. That is a scar that had yet to heal and I did this to myself. And I know in that time that I was trying to deny what I felt for the same sex because I felt dirty so I rushed with boys and I got pregnant in that period time.Dear WiseOwlE, I am sorry, I did sound bad when I said the idea I had about religion and I apologize. My head is really messed right now and I have been going through a lot of stuff, I feel that all the effort I had put into My spirituality all these years has been pointless. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Maybe I am ungrateful. i don’t know for sure but it is what I feel. I go to therapy but ir is never enough so I thank you so much and all the people who shared your ideas . My mind is playing games on me. The next day after I posted this question, I got a call from her from an unknown number and then after I hung up I wouldn’t talk to her ever again. That is because I love my boyfriend and my sons and I respect them. When I say my mind is playing games is because I had forgot this happened a long time ago when I had a girl who was my friend and we kissed eachother and I was discovering my bisexual side, I used to just get this random feeling of a presence when I’m alone and all my skin becomes goosebumps. Like someone is watching me and I felt this at night that same night and I never ever got scared anymore since the day I decided to dumped my religion. My mom used to tell me that when You are already messed up bad spirits don’t come after you. I really don’t know what to say because I don’t really believe in anything anymore (maybe) but this gave me chills. I had completely forgot this. And that night it happened again. Well, the thing is I have put this girl aside like, for ever. I am totally over her and I want to keep my monogamous life with my boyfriend. The thing is my phone is dying and I want to tell you some news and it is that today He was looking at porn again. It made me so angry because I fell asleep and he inmediatly went out of the room taking the computer with him (It’s not the first time this happens) it’s like he was waiting for the second that I fall asleep and in the process of leaving he woke me up but I did act like I was asleep and waited till he gets all comfortable then walked on him (ha he thought I was so asleep) but I didn’t see what he was watching because he had the computer in opposite direction (he was cautious) and closed inmediatly and then started putting excuses but I know exactly and I am angryy (might even post a new question?) :( this is so frustrating it’s like, why! This hurts me like if he cheated, he is seeing naked women doing whatever he pleases and it’s ok? Why?? This is the kind of stuff why I feel so frustrated right now.Thank you AuntyBimBim, I have other regrets too, not only sexual by the way! :) I wish I would have travelled too. And anonymous female reader, thank you so much for your advice. I tend to idealize all he has done like, that all the sex he had with all those girls was perfect and utopical because that is how it is I know because I have seen it. He used to make porns out of this hookups and I resent him for that. At the beginnig it is all fairytales. First impressions and first encounters will always have that spark and then it wears out and bodies get used up. Like mine. I am so used by him that he feels the need to watch some porn because my body is not enough anymore. Motherhood twice has made my boobs too soft and a little saggy. No wonder why this week he was saying that He will help me pay for a boob job an I though it was weird that he said something like this because he stated that he didin’t like the fake boobs. Now he got the idea incepted from porn or what? Now I even feel more miserable comparing myself with his sculpted ex hookups.Back at WiseOwlE, you’re damn wise because Maybe What I feel IS wearing out and I am tired of being deceived by him, so many times. I do resent him for a lot but I try to love, love him more than I can with all my heart. I try to fight it but I soon realized he is not the person who I want to be with, who I thought he was. I just feel that I owe it to my son not to leave him fatherless. I also become possesive that was the reason I even got together with him in the first place because he was tempting me and threatening that he will sleep with my ex best friend now enemy, if I don’t commit to him ( she swears until now that it did happen) you are wise, WiseOwlE, because you got it right...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 May 2018):
Thanks for the follow up. Good choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2018): I am the female anon who wrote in and gave you my thoughts.I also want to add because i feel a couple of other things have been missed. Firstly you are 24 years old and so your children will still be young. What you also have to think about is, you ARE still raising them and you have so far been doing a great job. It's a shame you felt you fell pregnant because you was trying to avoid the feeling of liking women sexually but what is done is done. You have the bonus of the children will be grown up by the time you reach your thirties and there is absolutely nothing stopping you from bettering yourself to get a good job which in turn means money to travel etc, heck you can even start doing that now and take the children with you!! Nothing is set in stone, your life as it is can change drastically in the future BUT live for the moment. This woman is a bad idea, she has homed in on you, sensed your curiosity and as has been said comes across like a predator. If she is like this she could be riddled with diseases and even if not you want to experiment with some promiscuous ho?Religion aside, you ARE a mum and it is your responsibility to protect them and that includes maintaining respectability for yourself so it doesn't impact on them. It is a fantasy, yes based on your admittance of being bisexual but all the same that is what it is.As for your boyfriend, like you he has a past and he made choices. But he is with you, his past choices he clearly did not want to continue and maybe he feels shame that he slept with those 'skanky' women, he can't change what he did, as you cannot either, but he seems to be wanting an exclusive loving relationship with you which tells me his past is not something he wants to repeat for good reason.I had one night stands when i was younger and i can tell you in my experience the flirting and initial attraction is the fun part, the actual sex part is forgettable and quite honestly if i could turn back time i would have made wiser choices, remember reputations stick and it has taken me a long time to shake off my own feeling that i was skanky and easy. And again nothing wrong with fantasies, talk to your boyfriend and see what you both think might spice things up, sex can get mundane when you have been together a while so it is not surprising you might be tempted to seek something extra, BUT i think that it will spell the end of your relationship. Have a long hard think about things but just do one thing and BLOCK that woman, she is a homewrecker and is not worth your time.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 May 2018):
 Most of us have regrets of some kind, I too was a young mother, my regret was that I never travelled and saw the world with nothing more than a bag on my back with a sleeping bag dangling from it.
This girl sounds like a predator. She doesn't care that you have a family comprising two parents and some children.
Your boyfriend's instincts seem to have kicked in, he doesn't want to have anything to do with her ... I think if you ignore his wishes on this and go for the sexual kicks with this girl you are putting your family and your relationship at risk. Is it really worth that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2018): I'm gay, so people generally presume I'd always take a very casual or liberal-stance about sexuality. My belief is that you should know your true-nature; but you don't have to satisfy every impulse that crosses your mind.
Some fantasies are really desires that we've suppressed. Once we act on that so-called fantasy, we also have to consider the consequences. How will it affect our future behavior; and is our mind prepared to handle it? How would it hurt someone else, if we're in a relationship? Then there's the guilt-factor. Some people just never get past their guilt.
One interesting thing about your post that caught my attention; is that you were doing ecstasy the night of that encounter with the girl. Drugs and alcohol lowers the inhibitions and unleashes promiscuity and bad-judgment. Sometimes, anything goes.
There is a precaution to be considered in your case. When you're in a committed relationship, and one party is flat-out against doing a threesome, extra-cautious, or highly undecided; you better err on the side of caution. Once that genie is out of the bottle; the whole reality of things is different. You could also be creating a monster. You don't get jealous until you notice it's easier for him to get the girls, than it is for you. Some may not be that pretty, and some may be much prettier. Than your self-esteem comes into play.
Everything seems so easy when played-out in your head. Reality is sometimes less palatable than the dream-version.
In your head, you can reset and re-tweak a fantasy. Or even delete it altogether. Once fantasy becomes reality...it is what it is!
We live in an "anything-goes/follow-the-mob" society. Suddenly people attack religion like it's a sickness or cause to all their psychological-problems; because of certain moral-restrictions it places on our behavior.
This makes no sense, and it's hypocritical; because the law also places restrictions on our behavior as well. If we had no rules; you'd be raped on the street, people would simply snatch your purse, walk into your home; and your boyfriend could knock your head off anytime you pissed him off. Yet, people yearn to do these things, if not for all the restrictions! But religious belief gets a bad rap! Go figure!
It's not God, it's religious people!!! Place blame where it truly belongs.
If you want to dump religion; feel free to do so. Just remember, everything has consequences. You can believe or disbelieve. Even God gives you the choice. Better yet, you have nothing to worry about; if you don't believe at all!
You are trying to make an argument for yourself; to justify cheating with that girl, to satisfy your curiosity.
Well, once you cross that bridge; not only are you bisexual, but you are also a lesbian. Can you accept that?
Once you cheat on your boyfriend; you both may as well breakup. If he finds out, he will resent your betrayal; and throwing his cheating up in his face will not justify two-wrongs. If you didn't approve of it, you should have ended the relationship then and there. Not wait for an opportunity to get even; or use it as your defense.
People can be very imaginative and creative when it comes to rationalizing and justifying something they know they probably shouldn't do. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig!
If you want to maintain continuity and stability within your commitment; I don't suggest introducing a third-party into your monogamous-relationship.
You're only in your 20's; so relationships will run their course within 3-5 years, if the couple don't decide to get married. That's the time-frame when things get edgy and younger-folks tend to contemplate cheating. Minds wander or they start checking-out other people. It seems you're there. It also seems, from what you've explained; you're just in the closet, and fooling-around with guys to suit your mother. So your true-feelings and commitment to your boyfriend is questionable, at best. I can only go by what you've admitted; I'm not speculating on that.
Temptation is the enemy of commitment. It's always looming over a relationship. The challenge is to stay true to the commitment; or mutually-agree to an open-relationship. Oh, I've listened to all the anecdotes from swingers and people advocating open-relationships, or polygamy. Most of if is pure bullsh*t. There are always exceptions; but the reality is, you run into someone you may catch feelings for. You may decide to go solo; because you want a sex-partner all to yourself. They may not like your partner. The most prominent problem is jealousy. You'll start to wonder if your relationship was ever really real? He will, anyway!
I don't think you're that into your boyfriend, and your urges and desire to be with a female are becoming hard to contain. Whatever he is to you, seems to be wearing-off; or he wasn't really exactly who you wanted to be with anyway. That doesn't stop you from being jealous, or possessive.
Your territorial-instinct will always compel you to guard your "property!" You don't even have to love him. Just resenting the idea of him leaving you; before you're ready and able to give him up first! Natural human-behavior. Typical in people in your age-group. Not that unusual in immature people twice your age, and older.
Reading between the lines, that's what I'm picking-up from your narrative. You don't want to upset your mother if he gets angry and outs you; and you want gay-sex with no strings attached. You can't control what other people feel. It's hard enough keeping your own impulses and feelings in-check.
If you want to go experimenting with gay-sex. Get out of your relationship first. Having threesomes is just a convenient and manipulative way of pulling the wool of the eyes of your partner. Asking for permission first; then proceeding to cheat on them anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): Dear Fatherly advice, no I don’t disagree with you, in fact I think you are right and I am not looking for anything special like my relationship because I don’t like her it’s just an opportunity and I have sorted out in my mind that I am going to pass on this one. She called me and texted me and I think this is getting out of control. She wants to see me so bad but she doesn’t know that my boyfriend is not fine with this. I would like to do this if I was alone but I really don’t want to make him mad or lose his trust in me, so I think I will have to block her. She said she didn’t expect me to answer her calls or texts but I did and I feel bad. Yesterday me and s.o. talked again about this and he said that She could have some std or something. He previously got an std from someone so it is our priority to be safe. Aunt Honesty thank you so much In fact I was maybe putting excuses to myself because porn is not cheating really. I am just jealous that he has been with tons of beautiful girls and had all his fantasies done before settling down, unlike me . I think I will leave this desire in my mind forever because it hurts him to think that I want sex with anyone that is not him. In fact I’ve neglected this part of me all my life so I’ll just have to continue because our relationship is not going to end anytime soon, I’ve tried leaving before because I want to be single but he starts crying like a baby and I can’t see him be hurt like this so I stay with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 May 2018):
 I agree with FA, it's actually quite simple.
YOU have to make a choice. Now the choice might not FEEL simple, but that is because you are in the middle of it.
YOU made the choice to have children VERY young and thus (potentially) missed out on having whatever sexual partners you can imagine. THAT is a FACT.
YOU also made the choice to put your kids before partying and that AGAIN meant that you (potentially) missed out on things.
THAT is what life is all about. MAKING choices. Actions has consequences. CHOICES has consequences.
You now have a partner you claim that you LOVE and want a future with.
And then you have the "temptation" of having that "girl on girl sexual experience".
BUT you can't have both.
Because? You BF doesn't believe in adding more people to the bedroom. He doesn't WANT 3-somes, nor does he want to EVER be the 3rd wheel in the bedroom.
SO you have to choose. Is trying something sexual with someone you aren't really into, but who flattered you and offered herself up to you (and your BF)?
OR
DO you want a monogamous relationship with your current BF?
OP, we don't always get what we want in life, at least not EVERYTHING we want.
Just because you are bisexual doesn't mean you are somehow OWED to have a sexual experience with another woman. At least NOT while dating your current BF.
I can DEFINITELY see why your BF says, we need to block this woman and not go there. Because he KNOWS how tempted you are. No contact hopefully means less temptation... while you get your "desire" in check and not just think that because something is offered, you have some kind of "right" to go for it.
So what do you want? Sexual experiences with other women? or the monogamous relationship you have with your current BF?
If you want to experiment and explore your sexual self/side - then END it with your BF. Be single and do your thing. Just remember once you let that "genie" of the bottle - there is NO going back.
If you want to stay with your BF and keep building the relationship, you need to block this chick and FOCUS on what you have, not what you DO NOT have but kinda wanna try....
Who he slept with when single IS really NOT the issue here, OP. And it's not a good argument for you to go do whatever YOU want. It's a "woe is me" bullshit excuse to try and justify why you should be "allowed" to "experiment" with this girl.
So make your choice.
And LIVE with the consequences.
I know a couple of bisexual dudes who have NEVER been with another man. They both claim they would have liked to but one married fairly young (mid-20's) and is still married. He KNEW that his wife was not OK with multiple sex partner IN a marriage - so he CHOSE her and the life and family they have build. they have been married 17-18 years.
The other guy was (from what he said) just too scared of being gay if he slept with men, that he chose NOT to. So HE made the choice to NOT even go there, even if he DID/DOES find men attractive too.
Yes, we have to make a LOT of choices in life, some hard, some not.
This is one of yours.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2018):
 No your behavior is not sick. But if you love your boyfriend and you see a future with him then you need to stay away from this girl and not introduce her in to your relationship. Porn is very different to actually cheating on your partner. It is still cheating even if there are no feelings involved. It is clear he does not want to share you, so you need to decide what is more important to you. Your relationship or your fantasy? Because at the moment you cannot have both.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 May 2018):
The simple answer is you have to make a choice. There is a ton of stuff in your post and I could spend a week talking to you about it. But to get you through this real crisis you need to cut it down to One simple thing. you want to have a sexual experience with a woman, and you have an offer.
On the do it side you have your desire for some girl girl sex, not your desire for this particular girl. You also have your fear that you will never get another chance. This is not a very valid fear because for the first time in 3 years you went to a club and got a solid hit. That is very good odds.
On the Don't do it side you have your relationship with your boyfriend. He has specifically told you that he wants this girl out of both of your lives. He is already jealous of her. He will likely leave you if you go through with it. You are also not very attracted to this girl. You want to use her, not be in a relationship with her.
Over all the risks very much outweigh the benefits.
Now, there is a possibility you will disagree with me, you have already manufactured a whole list of reasons to do it. So my last advice, for now, is that if you decide to do it, that you should break up with your boyfriend first. It is the honorable way to pursue this kind of thing.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): You are not disgusting with how you feel, you are aware you are bisexual and there is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself. I don't personally think it would be right to act on it with this girl and here's why i think that.Firstly you do not find her attractive and was not turned on by her advances. Secondly if you had a threesome or even just one to one i personally think you would be disgusted with yourself, she is clearly forward and i would suggest her behavior shows she is promiscuous, does your boyfriend know this? Has he heard about her reputation? I would find what she did off putting and no way would i go there with her. I personally think she went on intuition that you were both out for the first time in a while and was in a vulnerable state, but that is just MY inkling.Look no one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do but look up pros and cons of threesomes and weigh it up. The reality will be far different from fantasy, maybe you would enjoy it, who knows, but it could also leave you feeling disgusted in yourself and your boyfriend may end up liking it and that could bring up issues. For me i have never had a threesome and never would but i have to say if someone is single and the chance came up and they did i would understand that far more than people in 'Loving relationships' simply because you have far more to lose and again the reality may very well not match the fantasy for many reasons.Have an honest talk with your boyfriend, let him know how it left you feeling and see what he says, but he seems pretty certain it would not be a wise idea at all. You can of course pretend with your fantasies, i used to with a previous partner pretend a man was peeking out of the wardrobe watching us, it is safe and it is harmless. Just have a real good think about it all and RESEARCH the pros and cons. Good luck
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