A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help in what to look for when choosing men who are not superficial . I feel like men care only about having women who look like what they see online and in magazines . My husband was like this and constantly made comparisons and other men I've been with have been very critical of my appearance . It seems even when they are happy with me at the start they gradually find fault and theirs sexual attention and admiration drifts to other women . Often I've felt that any effort I've gone to to look nice has gone completely unnoticed whilst other women get my partners attention. I put a lot of effort into trying to look good but it feels like nothing I do is ever good enough as the men have such high expectations . Either there's something lacking in my looks or I'm choosing the wrong men or both . What signs can indicate a man who is not always lusting after the media ideal of what a woman 'should' look like . Are any men not like this at all Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (4 May 2018):
 I think you need to stop looking for validation from sources other than yourself. You should be looking good for yourself, not to appease any man. Self confidence is what makes a person attractive. If you only work on making the exterior gorgeous, but ignore the interior, you will find that you will never measure up. What is going to make you feel happy and fulfilled? What will make you whole? This is what you should be addressing. A truly happy, confident woman, is a thing of beauty. So get to work - but do it for yourself.
Take care xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): First, your perception of men is unfairly negative. Self-esteem is home-grown and self-maintained. If you depend on the validation and acceptance of men, or other people; you will drive yourself crazy.
It's a well-known fact that you can't please everybody. You can only judge the men you have known and are fully-familiar with; generalizing and throwing men all in a lumped-category is just sexist. Although, I do understand your frustration.
Both genders have a number of stereotypical-behaviors we too often live-up to! It's taught behavior, and some inherent by evolution. We choose a mate that will bring the best-looking and strongest offspring. Common throughout nature. Men are visual-creatures; to a fault, in some instances.
This natural-selection process is abused in the human species. We tend to be superficial and prejudiced. Our intelligence deceives us. Good-looks in offspring aren't guaranteed from two good-looking people. Genetics is tricky! You can't believe what the parents look-like for some beauty-contestants and the most beautiful actors. You'd wonder...how in the world?!!
The world is constantly media-fed and brainwashed about beauty-standards and appearance. The over-usage of porn feeds into weak-minds; causing unrealistic perceptions and warped-notions about sex and physical-appearance. It's a money-making scheme that feeds on human-lust; and need for constant entertainment and gratification. We sometimes don't think about what's beneath the surface; because we're taught to love what we see! Thus, bad choices can be made.
This thing about looks is just as hard on men as it is on women. Don't be fooled; just because we don't admit it out-loud. We all have self-esteem, it's a human-trait; it's not only a feminine-trait.
Gyms are designed more for men than for women. They are structured and equipped for weight-lifting; to increase muscle-mass, strength, and create body-definition. Thus the growing fad of more gyms, now geared more towards what women need. Gyms are everywhere; to remind men that they are fat, lazy, and out of shape.
How do you think the average-guy and the older-guys feel when they see an Adonis next to him pumping more than his own body-weight; while every muscle in his body is popping and well-defined? If you listened to the media and advertising, we should all look like that! They choose sports figures and athletes to do commercials geared towards men. All chiseled, handsome, and rich! Handsome actors and male-models drive the sportiest automobiles; and are the male-image depicted in beer ads. Not the fat balding pot-bellied pig on your sofa.
Good grooming, healthy diet, exercise, and self-confidence is all you need. Then you have to be grateful to God for a loving-family, good-health, a sane-mind, a job, and good-character. Things we all take for granted. Yet complain!
Dating is a selection-process. We get to reject those that don't suit our tastes and/or match our values. We shouldn't tear ourselves apart; because we don't suit the tastes of someone we actually know is superficial. That's the red-flag and deal-breaker. Finding a suitable match will always be a difficult process; and it requires diligence and patience. Human-beings have a lot of bad qualities and weaknesses to weed through. You and I included!
When the bad-traits outweigh their good qualities; common-sense says they're the people we should avoid, or keep out of our lives. Insisting on having and loving someone in spite of their bad-character falls along the lines of bad choices and poor-judgment. You can't pass blame onto others what you are personally-responsible for picking. That's making excuses and rationalizing. It's totally immature and unfair.
You can't blame our entire gender and presume all males are like that. Then you'll form a nasty-attitude, be consumed by your cynicism, and project bitterness. Exactly what kind of person do you think that creates? Oh, it's easy to blame that all on men! Nope! Own it! You've got choices. If you give-up after two or three bad-attempts; not our fault if you can't go the distance!
Nope, you won't live long enough to survey or confirm that theory. You can only weed through the bunch; until you find the right-guy. Jewels are hard to find, that's what makes them precious.
We find true-love through the process of elimination. It's a matter of timing, and judgement. Sometimes we get lucky and it falls right into our laps! Don't count on that!
You are independent of thought, you have your own rights and freedoms; and you can choose your men according to what you feel fits all your chosen criteria. You don't have to submit to their scrutiny and objectification; you simply dismiss the assholes, and seek someone better.
We can let this world rip us to tiny pieces, or we can believe in something bigger; and know God made us all beautiful and unique. Beauty may be set by standards most don't reach; but it will always...always...always be in the eye of the beholder! Personality, good-character, godliness, and kindness will always rank over all the superficial crap that's crammed down our throats. Goodness never ages! Ask God!
The unhappiest of men are the stupid ones who want female-perfection and don't deserve it! They usually don't even meet their own high-standard of what good-looks should be. Let alone having a personality. If you pick one, don't complain! Funny how some mean ugly slobs still can't see what we see; but still feel they have a right to smash a woman's self-esteem. They'll flirt way out of their league! I guess there are just some of the worst-traits found in human-nature. We use intellect and discernment to navigate around them.
My dear, you have to rise above it and live on! Patience and perseverance yields great rewards! If we settle out of neediness, defeat, and desperation? Well, in that case, you get what you pay for!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 May 2018):
 Wrong men. Men who put women down need to feel superior to them to keep them in check. Some are narcissistic. They make women feel insecure so they feel like the powerful one in the relationship. There are men who are respectful and attentive to wives. If you stay married because you assume all men are like that, you are doing yourself disservice. It's better to be single than to have someone drag your self esteem down. If you want to divorce and start over again, I have no idea how long it would take to find a man who can appreciate a woman for a long time.
Signs that a man would not criticize you would be:
Religious upbringing, good relationship with mom, does not have porn/media addiction, is down to earth, have good understanding of women issues and health.
Some men are just not suitable for marriage. They would find fault in anything to have an escape route. Men who respect the marriage institution would not find themselves drifting their attention to other women. If you ask what culture that would be, the first country that comes to mind is Poland. Other readers can add other countries that are still traditional minded and less inclined to be influenced by media.
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