A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's this guy. From the first time girls started paying him attention he's had multiple female "friends" who he's treated as much more than friends. Throughout all this time he also had long-term girlfriends, the first one almost three years and then straight on to the second one for four. I was the second one.He always told me that I was his ideal girl and after a year told me that he wanted to marry me someday. Now he's broken up with me but still maintains that he'll never want anyone else. In processing the break-up, I'm only now fully realizing the extent of his behaviour with these other girls.Any time I found out something and got upset with me I'd explain why and he would get upset too, admit that his behaviour was wrong and hurtful, apologize, promise to never do it again. Then do it again. With different girls and with the girls he claimed he'd cut out of his life.I know that he's a player, my question is why? I know that the very first girl he ever asked out rejected him, though he was about 10 at the time, and then a few years later when the real dating started he never had to make a move on anyone, girls were always all over him.So it's hardly to make up for that first rejection? Or is it? What's the reasoning behind guys being players? Will he ever get over this? And if he loved me so much and I'm still his one and only dream girl then why did he put me second to these other girls?Thanks a lot for your insights on this.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Or there's the players that have been previously burned so badly by women, or that one girl and will go on taking out their revenge on any women that cross their path from here on out. Having lots of one night stands, and not taking names or call backs.
Some players get over that eventually, they grow out of it realizing this is getting them no where. Also, when they meet the women who they want to marry. Others sadly, never grow out of it and prefer to be a bachelor until the day they die.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): "What's the reasoning behind guys being players?" Because they can. Because girls like you put up with it and take him back time and time again. He's never had any reason to stop because no matter how he treats women there'll always be more throwing themselves at him. Basically he has options and he likes to keep them open. He likes doing it. There are lots of reasons really.
"And if he loved me so much and I'm still his one and only dream girl then why did he put me second to these other girls?" Actually he didn't put you second to those girls, he put all women in general second to his selfish desires.
Beyond everything though it all comes back to the fact that he can, it really is as simple as that. He figured out he can easily play women.
He understands that women respond to words and if you say the right thing they'll actually ignore behaviours that show the opposite. He can go off and shag another woman (meaning he doesn't love or really care about the girl he's with) then all he has to do is say sorry, it will never happen again and that he does love and care for that girl. The girl he is with so badly wants that to be true that she'll believe him even though his actions say that he's lying.
Pretty much all the women I know respond to vocal cues more than they do action. Just the other day a girl friend of mine ended up in bed with a guy who has a girlfriend, a guy she knows through work, now all they did was snuggle and embrace for an hour or two. He told her it was perfectly innocent and it was just a snuggle. She believed him, he basically talked her into letting him into the bed to snuggle. Now her intentions were completely innocent, she just wanted a warm embrace. So I asked her what she thought his girlfriend would think of him ending up in a bed with another woman? How she'd feel if her boyfriend did that? Would she believe her boyfriend if he said it was completely innocent, bearing in mind she's not really close friends with this guy.
She admitted that she said no initially but he insisted so she gave in, while they were snuggling he said he better not tell his girlfriend what happened. But she ignored the meaning of that last sentence because she truly wanted to believe it was as innocent for him as it was for her. But he knew his girlfriend wouldn't like that, he knew what he was doing and he played her by feeding her a crock of shit about how it being just an innocent cuddle. All the while knowing exactly how his girlfriend would feel about it.
It might have been just a cuddle but it wasn't an innocent one for the above reasons. So he basically used her for that. But I've seen this play out time and again with other women.
Once a guy figures out all you have to do is persist, say the right thing and keep on persisting then girls will pretty much give in most of the time. Trust me, I figured that out in my 20's and used it to full effect. I wasn't a cheater, I've never cheated, I was single a long time though and I did have a lot of one night stands.
About half the girls I ended up in bed with on the first night of me meeting them told me nothing was going to happen that we'd just cuddle and talk, I told them I was fine with that. But I ended up sleeping 90% of them because I said the right things and didn't stop trying. Now I'm not a sex pest, it wasn't a case of me trying to grope them and not take no for answer. I have no problem respecting a girls wishes if that's what she really wants but in my experience what they want is you to say the right thing to convince them. That 'no' just means try a different approach and keep trying. All it took was me telling them exactly what they wanted to hear and a little gentle coercion. Step by step convincing them to go just that little bit further and most of them time it works. Of course that other 10% said no and meant no and I was fine with that.
My wake up call was meeting one of those girls a few years after I'd slept with her and we had a discussion about that night in which she told me, that she didn't actually want to have sex with me, but she was willing to let me have sex with her so I'd leave her alone so she could get some sleep. That thought horrified me, I'd never considered myself as using these girls because I'd always assumed that's what they wanted too. Otherwise why bring a strange man into your bed?
I know girls that have had to fight guys off for an entire night from feeling them up, yet they still went and fell asleep next to the guy and they still end up in bed with random guys they've just met that night.
Basically my point is players can only play because there's enough girls out there willing to play along. Even when girls don't want to, very often they will let a guy have his way if he plays his cards right. All a player is, is a guy that has figured this out and doesn't care about the girls feelings, because he doesn't have to. There are no negative consequences for players because there'll always be girls willing to let them play them.
Even now you hope that he will change, even now you're looking for ways of explaining why this happened, even though it's very obvious that he doesn't love or care for you. You still want to believe his lies over the truth of his actions. He has so wrapped up in hope that his words are true that you've lost sight of the fact that his actions tell a different story. As you can see by my long winded story above, you're not the first girl to believe his lies and you won't be the last.
My advice stay away from him, don't listen to anymore of his crap because it's all lies. Above all, learn to judge people on their actions no their words. Truth is in the doing not the saying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Why are some guys players? That's a hard question to answer. They could be insecure and feel they need attention from women to prove to themselves they are attractive. Some might just get bored of being with the same woman. Some are just selfish jerks who think with their genitalia.
The thing is, you knew what this guy was like because you said you spoke to him about his behaviour when you two were still together. Him calling you his "dream girl" doesn't mean jack because guys like him will spew any BS to either get what they want or try to convince you that they aren't that type of guy.
Don't waste time wondering why he is like he is because you'll probably never know. He obviously has issues. Guys like this are toxic and you'd be wise to stay the hell away from him.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 You're making the assumption that he never told all the other girls that THEY were his ideal girl, his one and only "dream girl" who he wants to marry.
At the end of the day- if you were his ideal girl who he wanted to marry.... he wouldn't have broken up with you.
Sorry, but that's just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 November 2010):
 suggest you read the definitive article in the Articles section of this site, by anonymousmale1 on what defines a 'player'. There is no finer expose on the issue
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