A
male
age
30-35,
*scalaya
writes:My girlfriend and I have now been together for almost 6 years. But recently, we fight over really stupid things. Of course, I try to stay calm, and deal with it calmly, and she of course turns into a giant ball of mixed emotions. I love her with all of my heart, and i trust her just as much. but it's to the point where we have 3+ fights a day, over stupid shit. whenever we fight, i try to calm her down first and foremost. I first tried what my Aunt and Uncle did when they fought, each goes to their own corner of the house until they calm down; and than talk about it. Of course, when i tried that, it just pissed her off. Than I tried asking her to calm down, of course, that just pissed her off (I really should have saw that one coming.) then of course, i tried to just stay there, and do as little arguing as possible, and just stay calm until she finished blowing steam and could talk with me reasonably. Of course, she than accused me of not caring that she was upset, or mad, and got pissed off.This whole rut of fights lasted on end about 6 months. I know it's common for relationships to go through bad times, but is it normal that they last so long? Also, how may I defuse the time bomb that is an angry woman? More specifically, what's the best way to calm her down when she gets so angry. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (31 August 2007):
Escalaya is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for all of yours answers, they're greatly appreciated, i'll take all of your advice into consideration, and give things a shot. :)
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (31 August 2007):
I have been in a similar situation with my ex bf. Everytime something upsetting came up, he didnt get his way or something bad happened, it would tunr into him being overly angry and we would constanly fight, daily. And its really hard to live with isnt it?Especialy when you are someone like me or you, where you like to deal with problems in a calm and raitional matter. Its hard to understand why they turn to anger all the time.
But the thing is, often when people seem angry, thats just a emotion hiding many other emotions. Anger is often used to hide either frustration, hurt or fear. So next tme she is angry, think about which feeling she is actualy feeling and that might help you talk to her better.
Its not fair for her to continuously get angry about everythign. She needs to learn how to deal with her emotions. I suggest find a time where she is in a happy/calm mood and calmy bring the topic up. Hopefuly she wont get out of hand, but more then liekly she will. Because people like this often grew up in homes like that and dont know how else to deal with problems. Be careful not to sound judgmental. Tell her that you love her but it upsets you when she is overly angry and bla bla...
The other option is to ignore her when she is feeling like this. Tell her that when she has calmed down, you will then talk to her. Although you said you have already tried this and she accused you of not caring and lovng. Dont let her guilt trip you by saying that. Its not ok for her to show disrespct to you and take her anger out on you. I mean how much love does that show really? Sounds like double standards to me. Tell her that you do love her, but being in love doesnt mean accepting behaviour that upsets you so much. Eventualy she may get the hint...hopefully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Have a look at at website called moodgym. It stopped me being an angry mad woman and is really fascinating. Suggesting it is a bit dodgy unless she is actually worried about her behaviour. Try it yourself and you may start to understand that her tempers come from bad thinking habits and processes. Mix in some hormones and it can be really bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): The best way would be to eliminate from life all causes of stress or anger. We don't have a magic wand to do that unfortunately. You could try and explain calmly to her when she seems less irascible that you are willing to do your best to make the atmospher more peaceful, it goes without saying that she'd need to make an effort and do the same. You have to try and orientate the discussions from destructive areas to more convenient ones, in such manner that it's obvious you're not blocking her own views and with subtlety poiting out a change in their attitude when necessary. But sometimes it can be hard, as anger is not easy to deal with. You'll have no fault for the work being too stressful and if she is going to put blames on you for invisible reasons there's not much you can do if the situation is repeatble. It's the person in cause who must learn and control their impulses for everyone's sake, especially theirs. You say it's not always been this way. Why, is it that in the past you saw each other less frequent and she had time to disembark these emotions in another boat, far? What has changed since then? The amount of stress and anger can affect her health... If you tell her to use a trip to nature as means of relaxation to calm the nerves or transport herself imaginarily to that serene place, she may not take your suggestions, if she is also denying her problem. As I said, she has to agree in that there IS a problem, before taking measures against it. And if you're the opposite calm person, it's not going to be easy... As I said, firstly identify the causes... then solve the "denial" problem... All the best
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