A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just recently found out I have Asperger's. One symptom is that I am useless with guys and dating - I cannot read the signs at all. I think men think I'm above average intelligence and that I am pretty, but it is very, very hard to 'process' that idea in the sense of applying it to me personally. I can tell, within seconds, if a guy is flirting with me if I don't like the guy. But if I do like the guy, I simply cannot process his behaviour easily or respond easily. I feel everything normal - in fact I get sensory overload, which makes it doubly harder to be around someone I like as I'm always having to 'control' and mask what I feel with chit chat. I will inevitably give off confusing signals, because I cannot process what to do. This means things like seeming completely blank or emotionless, but combined with normal behaviour, whilst feeling absolutely the opposite inside. Or withdrawing because I get so confused that I can't read things right and am either afraid of being hurt or of hurting someone that I genuinely care about. Then 'coming back' and trying to flirt normally, but in ways that the guy finds a little 'contrived', I think.There's a guy that's very, very special to me. We nearly got together a few years back but I sent out the wrong signals and I had no idea I had Asperger's. He was never horrible to me after i withdrew, just seemed very confused and backed off. When I found out I had Asperger's I told him I had the condition. But I still didn't tell him how I had felt. He was so kind and a lot seemed to 'click' in his head. To be honest, he is not always the easiest guy to know where you stand with - other people say this - he has extremely rigid boundaries and, whilst I sometimes find this helpful because it helps me to be clear about where I stand, it can also mean that unless you are very confident, it's not easy to suggest doing something, in case you get rejected. Besides that, however, he is the sweetest person...but it's kind of like he has to set his boundaries first. Anyway, a couple of days ago he told me that he is seriously considering moving to my area and that he was intending to look around there over the next few weeks - go for walks etc. I told him I'd be happy to advise him about the area and buying property here. I really hoped that he would ask me if I wanted to go for a coffee or something, in this area and show him around. But he didn't. And because his boundaries are so firm, I didn't know if he was just stating facts (but if he didn't like me a bit he is the kind of guy who would just not tell me any of that anyway) or whether he was leaving it up to me to suggest something (because he knows I only recently found out I have Asperger's and he may have been not wanting to pressure me) or whether I am reading too much into it (I'm not, I just have to process behaviour like this, far more than average because it's the only way I can work it out). He shows other signs of liking me - he compliments me and he looks at me/my body but not in any 'leery' way. I'm a bit confused about what, if anything, to do. Any help would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (26 July 2014):
 Completely understand! It's always easier when the other person makes the move, so you don't have to wonder if they are interested or if you're going to be shot down! Good luck to you! Keep us posted!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): Hello, this is the OP.
Thanks, both of you, for taking the time to answer and for your thought and consideration. I really appreciate it.
I will try to remember that I'm not useless with guys and yes, to take baby steps and not go too fast or too far with things. I guess I would just feel a lot better about it if he had asked me - in my Asperger's brain, it would make it easier -but, as you say, I realise this would be a bit confusing for anyone.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 July 2014):
I would like to point out that despite having asperger's, it's completely normal to have some of the feelings you've experienced with dating.
Many people get all choked up, confused, and clam up in situations where they like another person. So don't beat yourself up too badly over this. I'm sure asperger's does play a part. But don't think everyone else just breezes through with the dating game. You say you are useless with guys and dating. You're not useless. You just have a bit of a harder time reading the signs and knowing how to process them. Certainly doesn't make you useless.
Anyway, it sounds like the guy may be interested. It's hard to tell from this alone. Why not just ask him flat out to meet up for coffee? I see no reason not to be straightforward and honest. Seems like the best solution. That way, you'll have your answer. He may just be waiting for you to ask.
Good luck. I hope this all works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): Your condition with Asperger's may amplify your very "normal" dating-jitters. Everybody, myself included, gets confused by signals; and how to interpret where some people are coming from. You are a woman over 40 in the technological-age; when people in-general lack social skills, and interactive-communication between people is awkward in social situations. Only because most people use social-media. Don't assume all the blame.
The vast majority of people rely on texting and digital means of communication nowadays. So personalities are hard to read for practically everyone. As for your own issues with showing emotion; you should get a full psychological evaluation, and seek a specialist. Don't rely on one opinion, and search for professionals who specialize in working with people with Asperger's. Their experience and expertise would only be to your benefit.
Your interpersonal-skills may be improved with therapy; but you still have to learn to live with, and accept, your limitations. Most men will not know what Asperger's Syndrome is. So offering them a full rundown will be quite tedious on a date.
You'll have to be receptive to someone kind, worldly, and flexible. I think you feel you have to allow only serious types to approach you. Fearing more emotional-types wouldn't understand you; and you can't understand them. I can tell you don't date much. Further complicating your situation. I understand you fear repeating your past track record. There's someone for everyone. It's trial and error for all of us. Keep trying on personalities; until you find one that clicks. You don't have to analyze your dates, let things flow. That's not always your Asperger's, that's insecurity and a fear of failure. We've all been there, and done that.
Stop presuming that nice gentleman you like is so regimental in his line of thinking. So what about all his boundaries? He's waiting for someone brave enough to challenge them. Perhaps he has something about himself that he is guarding as well.
You could offer to take him on those walks, and allow him to get used to who you are; and to overcome a small obstacle. Take just a tiny step. Introduce him to your neighborhood; and little by little, you can introduce him to your world. Nothing ventured, nothing gained my dear!
I don't really suggest that you push yourself too hard before you've had some therapy; and have a fuller understanding of your emotional and psychological limitations. You maybe confusing some of what is natural, with what is a symptom of your Asperger's.
We all have quirks.
You have an impairment that makes interacting with other people more of a challenge; but people of the 21st century are more of a challenge as technology takes over. So it's not just you!
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