A
male
age
41-50,
*olidayHawk
writes:The background: We dated seriously for 2 years. After we mutually broke up, we dated off and on for a year. Late last spring, we decided to cut ties for good. She said I wasn’t supportive, caring, or committed enough. When she began dating someone, I realized I’d taken her for granted, that I actually did love her, and decided I wanted her back. My wooing obviously didn’t work, as she was happy with the new guy and was still hurt by the way things ended between us. I understood her rational – I blew it; he made her happy. She’s been single since August. Shortly after her breakup with the new guy, we resumed contact. Knowing the frailty of the situation, I refrained from gallantly trying to win her back. My smoothness lasted 3 weeks before I told her that I still had feelings for her, loved her, wanted her back, had realized I took her for granted, etc. She responded that she didn’t want to get back together, that, if anything, she only wanted to be friends, and that we shouldn’t see each other at all for a while. Listening to her advice, I waited a few weeks before contacting her. I contacted her about two months ago. Since then, we’ve communicated either by phone or face-to-face at least once a day. The now: Since reconnecting, we’ve created a better friendship than we had while dating. Further, over the past two months I’ve become more of a help to her than ever – when I’m over I wash dishes, I’ve helped her move heavy objects, I co-hosted a party of hers, and so on. (Note: I hardly did any of those things when we dated.) Also, since reconnecting, I haven’t brought up getting back together. For her part, she’s indicated that she doesn’t want our relationship to go beyond friendship. That said, we've spent a lot of time together during the past two months and have had many meaningful conversations. The questions: What’s in it for her to just be friends? She has a close knit group of friends already. And she doesn’t need me for help around the house – she could easily snatch up another boyfriend who would help her. Is this a “trial period” in which I’m auditioning to be her boyfriend again? I don’t mind if it is, but I would like to know if I have a shot. Is she afraid it’s all a ruse: Is she afraid that I’ll stop being caring, supportive, and helpful if we start dating again? Ladies, does any of this make sense?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): This doesn't even make sense to me and I'm a lady. Sometimes as women we do things we don't even understand ourselves. However, as a woman I know of one thing we all like and that is honesty. So I recommend you do what the last post said you should do. Sit her down and tell her your true intentions. Let her know that you have given her the time she asked you for, but that now you want to know if she's willing to get back with you or not. Just like that. Brutal honesty gets us all the time, and we like it, believe me. But of course we can't resist the wooing, so say it gently and choose the right words to say it to her. Let her know that having her strictly as a friend has helped you value her even more, and that you've learned to appreaciate everything she does. Tell her how that would make your romantic relationship different than what it was before, give her examples, we as women like to create images in our heads.
Also give her options. Let her know that even if she's not willing to take you back as a boyfriend, you will still like to keep your friendship with her. I mean she keeps you around for a reason, I'm sure she still feels something for you, but don't pressure her to take you back immeadiately, give her some time to think after you let her know of your intentions, but be firm and make sure she knows that as much as you love her and value her, you're ready to move on if she's not willing to take you back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): I don't know...if she were really into you...you'd know it. Maybe she just likes having you around...like an old blanket. An old blanket that does the dishes, helps her with her parties yadda yadda yadda. Plus, now you've handed her the keys to the kingdom by spilling your guts to her, so she knows she can do whatever she wants...at least for now. If I were in your shoes, I would sit her down and tell her that you're done auditioning. You've expressed regret over how you treated her. You mean it, and if she's not interested in having a real relationship with you, then fine. Then, you'll know. Be honest with yourself...you don't want to be friends with this girl. This "friendship" nonsense with exes that you young guys are into is just nuts. It's killing you. You want a romantic relationship with her. Tell her. If she's not into you that way, then move on and get with someone who wants you in that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): yu guy where off and on so that must mean you both got feeling that are hidding deep inside.
Q:What's in it for her to just be friends
My A:she loves you deep inside but is more than afarid to get hurt i've seen this so many times she doesn't wanna completly lose you in a way its like she need you in her life . its possible she's testing you be the best-est friend to her you can be and wait for her to open up or you'll lose her forever
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