A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This woman that has lived in the same village as my partner for years. My partner fixes her car. At first he wanted us to become friends together because I am new to the village and he wanted me to make friends here. However, she seems to come across as not really interested in making friends with me. She will chat with me etc whilst my boyfriend is fixing her car but she makes all of her jokes with him and her, stuff that I cannot join in with as only they know the joke etc. For example she’ll say “Ohhh wasn’t it funny the other night Tim when we tried our hardest to get the car started but it wouldn’t – trust it to happen to us”. Then we were discussing something else and she says “oh you wouldn’t know that as you are a townie” etc. One night she knocked on our door at 9 o’clock at night wanting him to fix her car cause it had broken down suddenly and she was profusely apologetic. I said “no bother” got her a cup of coffee and was going to sit talking to her but she seemed to want to go outside to my boyfriend rather than sit in the house talking to me. He came in to fetch some tools and she said “I will come and keep you company” and he said “no it’s ok, you stay here and keep Jo company” and she looked rather offended and disappointed. The other night we were invited to a do with her and she was constantly looking over at my partner. She has her own boyfriend but she doesn’t seem happy and they don’t seem very close. He was living with her but she kicked him out because she couldn’t stand his child. I said something about my boyfriend’s appetite (he’s very slim and doesn’t have much of an appetite) to another woman that was there – something along the lines of “Oh Tim never gets hungry, no wonder he is so slim” and she butted in with “Well I’ve known Tim for years and he has always been slim!”. She said it in a way as though I was saying something wrong.I don’t know what her problem is but I don’t trust her one bit, although I do trust my boyfriend. For some reason I just get the vibe she doesn’t like me. My boyfriend has said that even though he has known her for years, he doesn’t know her really, really well. She didn’t even know he had 3 other brothers for godsake. He just knows her because she hung around with his cousin for years. He said that there is no way she fancies him because there was a time when they were both single and attended the same wedding reception and nothing happened there. So can anyone read into this what her problem most likely is?? And also how to handle this woman?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): Why is your boyfriend ok with someone being rude to you? So far this woman has got away with making trouble and exerting herself. Your boyfriend seems to turn a blind eye. I'd say the problem is actually him. She knows she can get away with what shes doing. Next time, as your boyfriend is not able to, just say something to put her in her place. Let's hope your boyfriend doesn't jump to her defence.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 September 2016):
 To some women, nothing makes a man more attractive than another woman finding him attractive. She probably feels she has some sort of claim on him, given the length of time she has known him.
You two don't have to be friends. While your boyfriend probably has the best intentions at heart, trying to throw you two together, this woman is obviously more interested in him than you, so tell him to stop doing what he is doing, as it is making you uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 Yep.
As Tim's long term partner, you two are now a team. That doesn't mean you can decide Tim's friendships, but it does give you grounds to ask that his friends treat you with respect when you are expected to spend time in their company. I would say the same if it were a male friend of his being rude, just as I'm sure you would not allow a friend of yours, male or female, to treat your partner poorly in your presence.
If Tim wants to keep fixing her car, that's fine - she's a customer. But it's also time for him to let her know politely that you two are a package deal and that if she wants help from him, she needs to be courteous in her interactions with you.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2016):
 You are presuming she HAS to be nice to you, but in reality, she doesn't.
She isn't your friend nor does she want to be.
What I would do, is talk to your Bf and tell him that you aren't really keen on him playing "knight in shining armor" for her so often (if it is often) not because you don't trust him but because of her attitude towards you. Would he be OK with you running to some dude's aid all the time and him being a but to him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): Hey everyone,I'm the OP here and I appreciate your advice and replies.My boyfriend is a qualified mechanic and has been fixing her car for years but it has only been in the last two years that this situation has got out of hand. She was given an old banger of a car by her dad and it constantly needed fixing. I would go round to the house with him because he thought it would be a good idea to introduce us and for me to get to know people in the village. But one time i was going to my Mum's so couldn't go and the next time that she came round, it was all "Oh you should have seen what happened the other night when the car wouldn't start, isn't that right Tim?" blah, blah. My partner is being honest about his past with her. The thing is my partner is not a good looking guy at all (some of my friends have described him as 'unattractive') but when you get to know his personality he becomes very attractive. When I met him he had been on his own for four years and another woman that he had been 'just friends with' suddenly became possessive when I came on the scene. It's almost like I have made him more attractive by going out with him. My partner is a very honest guy and I believe him when he says these women never showed the slightest bit of attraction towards him before. This woman, Anna, who he fixes her car, has even told me that in the past she would never have looked twice at anyone that didn't look like a male model but in the past five years she has really changed her outlook, which makes me think she was never interested in Tim prior to me coming along but now she is.I don't think my partner is interested in her. He is a chap that gets along well with women rather than men and before i met him had a lot of female friends. And I do trust him. It's just that she is not getting the message that he is not interested, despite the fact that he is literally obviously into me and committed to me. I am wondering is it bad of me to ask that he doesn't fix her car any more or should I just trust him?He says to me that it takes two and if he isn't interested then nothing will happen. What do you think, should I ask he doesn't fix her car anymore or just trust him (which I do BTW, it's just I don't think it is right the way she is being with me)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): Seriously, what's your real problem with this woman?
Tim isn't the least interested in her, and you've written an entire dissertation on how you can't stand her and how she doesn't like you. She is showing possessiveness which has no real basis; because it isn't reinforced nor encouraged by Tim.
If you ask me, Tim's not much of a mechanic if he continuously has to fix her car. It only caters to his male-ego being her go-to guy when she's in distress.
It would not be out of line to suggest to Tim that he send her to a licensed mechanic; so he doesn't have to spend so much time fixing it, only for it to breakdown again. Better yet, suggest to her she look for a good used-car or buy a new one. Since she doesn't like you anyway, say whatever your little heart desires. He's your man, not hers. You don't have to like her, and Tim can't make you. What conditions can he set about her anyway? Unless they're secret f*ck-buddies?
These petty little catty exchanges have to stop. It's basically fighting over Tim. You don't have to, if he's truly committed to you and trust-worthy.
As usual, the guy is always stupid and oblivious. Sitting comfortably in the middle of cat-fights between girlfriends and "supposedly-platonic" lady-friends.
Tell Tim you're sick and tired of making an effort to be friendly to Miss Third-wheel; and you've tried to no avail. Also remind him as a female, you see through other females and she fancies him whether he admits it or doesn't reciprocate it. Insist you will no longer tolerate her rudeness. Then don't. Just be careful not to act on petty jealousy, or let her pull you down to a lower level. You don't have to be a bitch, just a little bitchy. Only to counter her behavior and to show you can handle your own.
The objective is to gain her respect as his girlfriend. You only need to get along, not like her.
Correct her mistakes on the spot. "My, that was a little snarky!" If she comes at a bad hour and you're answering the door. "Tim and I are resting, is this an emergency? You may need to get repair service or join an automobile emergency service. I really don't like to see Tim out at all hours." Don't be nasty or confrontational, just a matter of fact. She wants to annoy you, don't give her the satisfaction. She's competing with you for attention, and showing you she has access to Tim whenever she likes. The point is to bypass you, to get to him. You got there first, stand your ground.
Put up a roadblock. You are his girlfriend, and how long she's known him is irrelevant. Lay-down your boundaries. Stop being passive-aggressive and assert yourself. In plain words, stop kissing her ass. Or his.
Next time she goes into the inside jokes, simply say: "Wish I could relate; so that would actually be funny. It would be more fun having you around if you could share with both of us! We're a couple, in-case you didn't know!"
If Tim decides to chime in and chide you, remind Mr. Oblivious that you've tried handling her his way; so now it's up to you to remind her that you're his girlfriend.
You expect him to back you up, and stop acting like you're an outsider. You wouldn't have to be this way, if he wasn't pretending he didn't notice how rude she is. Like it or not, you can't and won't put-up with it any longer.
Once you demand her respect as First Lady, it will be her trying to make friends. She'll fear you'll cutoff contact with Mr. Oblivious. That's how you modify that kind of behavior.
A word to the wise. Boyfriends who don't establish you as his utmost and top-priority among his other female friends; may be more than just friends to his little harem. They should know their place, and it should be he who makes that known first. He should back you up on all accounts; unless you are unnecessarily jealous, mean, or possessive. Your insecurities are your own problem to deal with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): I would tell your boyfriend all this. He needs to stop facilitating her crush on him. Is he being honest about their history? I was in a very very similar situation to you and it turned out my fella had been out with the woman that was awkward towards me. A woman's instinct is not wrong. She need's to curb her rudeness.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (19 September 2016):
She sounds like an all-around unpleasant person. Kicking out her partner because she dislikes his child? Really? That in itself speaks volumes about her regard for other people's feelings. Whether she's rude to you and others intentionally or just because she's socially clueless, the result is the same: it doesn't sound like she's a good candidate to try and make friends with "just because."
Your boyfriend may not see (or have ever seen) this side of her because it sounds like she puts her best foot forward around him. I agree with Honeypie - it does seem like there's some sort of inappropriate interest on her end. The fact that they were both single at the same wedding reception and nothing happened only means HE wasn't interested. She might well have had a crush on him and been too shy to make the first move, especially since it sounds like her social skills are poor in other regards.
Fortunately it does not sound like your boyfriend sees her as anything other than a friend or client. I am curious, though - does he have a business fixing cars or is that something he does for her specifically out of the kindness of his heart? If he's not an auto mechanic by trade, it's fairly uncalled for that she would show up in the middle of the night expecting him to fix her car right then. Does she pay for the service?
If he does not in fact fix cars for a living, it might be time for him to wean her off her dependence on him for favors that really should be coming either from her own significant other or from a professional - accomplished easily enough by telling her the next problem she brings to him is something he can't fix.
Be polite to her when you do have to see her, but I would also suggest letting your partner know that while she is kind to him, she is unfriendly to you. If mutual friends have seen that behavior from her, mention as much. That way he is aware that when you don't want to socialize with her or don't like her showing up at your home for favors, it is honesty and not jealousy on your part.
Hopefully less contact and "help" from him will mean less contact for her with both of you and she will fade out of your lives a little.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2016):
I think she has a crush on him. And she is somehow trying to assert her "I have known him longer" kind of "dominance" which is kinda weird.
She has a BF, but "needs" your BF to fix her car. So she likes playing "damsel in distress" with him. Almost like role-playing except, THAT is as far as she can engage your BF. Fixing her car.
She isn't happy with her BF, so she is trying to get her needs fulfilled from your BF.
Your BF might be in denial about how she feels because he knows if she was keen on him it would make things awkward for him and for you.
What can you do?
I'd just ignore her digs and be nice and polite to her.
Your BF obviously isn't interested but also don't know how to stop doing favors for her. Maybe he DOES get something out of it to be the guy who can FIX stuff.
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