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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: What's happened to my life and where do I go from here!I am lost. I have been with my man for nearly 9 years, sometimes we have had fairly major problems and dramas, but always seemed to settle again and feel content. Last year I had to sell up my business and finish my working career due to a incurable and debilitating illness which has turned my life upside down. Tried hard to get to grips with it which has been very hard and soul destroying. Started at the beginning of the year to rethink dreams and ambitions. My man was, I thought with me on the same trail as me, until he had an affair earlier this year, with a friend. We have been working through it since the event and he wanted me to forgive him and that he made a big mistake, that he was going to show me how sorry he was and that we would be better than before. With difficulty I embraced that process, wanting it to be fixed and all back on track again, with the exception that he was going to have to be more responsible for our lives and contribute to our future. Currently and from the beginning of our relationship, I had all the finacial and assests in the relationship, he had a bag of clothes and no job. (Not a good catch in a way looking back!) However I chose him and chose a man with nothing, I also was happy to share my lifes work with him, however we did have a pre-nuptial, which left all inheritance to my son. We have no children. Anything accumulated prior to the marriage was mine, the rest we share.Since the discovery of his affair, I toughtened up in relation to him contributing to keeping a roof over our heads, granted my roof but he lives in it. At the initial discovery and the wanting me to give him another chance, he was full of promises and gurantees that he was going to play his part. Prior to this, all our 9 ish years, I have convered ALL of the responsibilities, bills etc, with minor exceptions. Due to the loss of my business, I now have a very small and limited income. I can't work at this stage - yet - and I can't afford, now my home. I needed his help. The relationsip has been rocky since the discovery of his affair. I have been on an emotional rollacoaster, frightened of my furture and questioning my past. Recently - probably about a month now, I have been trying to move forward. I am not over his affair and also have been rocked around with my illness with stress. In my decision to give it another go, I did and have time and time again told him I need his help with the bills. I said it was time for him to help me now and take some responsibilites, as I am not well and want to be looked after. He decided that I was going to keep my small income weekly, he would take care of the bills. First bill came in, three weeks ago and he flipped and said we would not be able to eat this week. He has also now started to make comments on the prenuptial, his contribution to our relationship and that he feel all he is working for is to keep this house going which he will have no benefit from. He is all reflective about his acheivements and lifes work and in my opinion is going through a mid life crisis. Last night he told me that he has felt used and my whipping boy and that I am a vindictive bitch and its all about money. I got a raft of pretty critical attacks on how I have treated him over the years. He feels he has contributed to my emotionally wellbeing, self esteem and he has made me a better person. Without me boring all with a checklist, you have to trust me that it's total crap. More like the other way around. He has cost me thousands and thousands of dollars, been verbally abusive and at times intolerable to my family. Again, I am accepting of past faults, until the affair, he changed the rules not me. I was devastated at his words. When we originally talked about trying again, 4 months or so ago - he told me that I treated him like a superstar and I was the best thing which ever happened to him. Now it seems I have just used him all our relationship, he has sacrafised all and I have sucked his spirit out of him. He said he was sucked in!He wants to move to another country now, me included.I see it as him wanting to run away. I explained that I was scared and that I had had alot to deal with, that I needed time to get my head around all the changes, that his affair has blown my mind. I also told him that, I could understand his need to find his purpose and if he feels that another country would have better opportunities for him I could understand his desire to go. However, I also said that for me at this stage to sell or rent the house, pack up and move countries away from my son and family, is huge. I said I was scared of how 'fixed'things are with us. He advised that whilst he wants me to come, he is going anyway. He's off. He can get all his shit shorted and accumulate money to pay for the future lifestyle. I said that I could not understand how he would want to be with me if I have made him feel like he had just told me. I said if that is how I have treated him then, whats the point. I then asked if this was his way of breaking up with me, to push me and push me, when what I need most at the moment is a rest. I announced that if he felt the other country was what he wants to do, then he should do it. The interesting trigger for this major information, just now, was that I just pranged the car, a car I bought but gave him when we sort of split up about the affair. My car originally until this year, which he used. It was a bad prang, he went balistic as the cost was going to be unreal, a ticket away he said and a cost he cannot afford. I was guttered I pranged the car, I did it as I was stressed out moving cars to get to the hospital for my first medication - a big deal. He spent at least 25 mins ranting about the car, asking what I had for dinner, he had a shit of a day etc, before he asked about the hospital. Completely oblivious to what I was dealing with. This happened before he told me how horrible I have been!I am not thick, but confused. Does this guy want out and is he wanting me to do it, as he can then say it was not him! What is he trying to tell me. Apparently he love me though! Sorry so long.... Help what happening to my life.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 "Does this guy want out and is he wanting me to do it, as he can then say it was not him! What is he trying to tell me."
Do you want out? What are you trying to tell yourself?
You're at a turning point in your life. Illness is a way of making us question what we want out of life. To re-avaluate who we are.
Whether this man is right in his apraisal of you is neither here nor there. From everything you have written, this man has abandoned you. Its not about whos right or wrong. Its about how we truly feel in our hearts. Sometimes in relationships we want the other person to see our side, but at the end of the day, relationships go bad because we can't understand the other persons perspective.
It takes courage to break away and end a relationship. Bravery! It takes courage to battle an illness and win. It takes courage and strength to seek a beautiful life. Every person deserves to be happy, even you.
I have one question for you, does this relationship make you happy?
The questions he has are irrelevant to you at this stage. Your illness would surely direct you to the fact that life is too short. Ask yourself your own questions, we all have them. Then be brave and strong to follow your answers.
Good Luck and God bless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): First off, I am very sorry for your illness, and your lack of support from your husband is doubling your pain.
That said, not knowing the man, it could be that he is dealing with your illness, too, a lot of men regress when confronted with their wife's mortality, after all you have been taking care of him both financially and emotionally it sounds....he needs time to deal, and he could be grieving, part of grief is anger....
I think you have a very complicated situation here, and I would get to counseling as soon as possible. If your husband won't go, then you go, for yourself, you need support during this difficult time.
Major life decisions like moving countries should be put off for at least a year, you are going through a major life crisis with your illness, not the appropriate time to make big changes like moving away from family...you need them now more than ever. It may be that your husband is not a strong enough person to stick this marriage out, and there may be nothing you can do about that. Patience and sympathy for him is in order....and hopefully when he receives that from you, he will return it in kind, in time.
The best to both of you.
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