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female
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*onfusedandinluv
writes: I met a man over a year ago now we are living together. When we first met he was way too excited that our relationship was not based just on sex but communication and trust. We had sex early in the beginning though. From what he tells me he has not had a serious relationship in a long time. He often stares at other women...I do not mind him admiring a sexy chick but not stare...we did talk about this and he has improved!Anyway we have been together for a year and a half. I bet that we have had sex under 20 times. He says he loves sex but most of the time he got off on porno or beat off in the shower. Most of sexual encounters are him masterbating and me giving him oral sex or both of us masterbating..he still would watch videos instead of watching me. He says he loves giving oral sex but he does not give it to me very often. Trust me I have excellent hygiene. I am 44 years old and told that I am pretty and have a great figure. However this really messes with my head. He told me that in the past his relationships were all based on sex. Once again he expresses and brags about our relationship is not based on sex..it is almost like he is relieved.I am at my peak and totally sexually frustrated and I want sex him. Doing myself just does not cut it. He really does not want to talk about it. I know right now he is under a lot of stress and has a low sex drive. Over a year or so there has been so many excuses why he doesn't want to have sex. Him being stressed is just another excuse to me even though it is probably true He says he loves me to death and does want me?????? Action speaks louder than words. What in the heck is going on in that guys head? He is not gay and I know he is faithful! I have never met a man that does not want actually intercourse very often. Believe me I have tried dressing up and ect.....he has even stopped watching porno although I am sure he would if we had it around. I would not mind having porno around to help but when he would rather get off watching it than watching me I resent it. Again he says I do turn him on but I am so confused. He has also expressed how he loves being with an older woman. I am just 4 years older than him but he likes to think he is my boy toy. Trust me I love to please him and I have never had complaints with past relationships. My boy toy does not seem to really want to work with me on me having an orgasm even though he says he likes it when I do.I love sex and I am comfortable with my sexuality but I can't help not taking this personally.I have pretty much quit asking for sex because I do not want the rejection. The problem with that is....he sometimes likes the woman to make the first move. I am totally confused as to what to do. On a positive not we are very affectionate to one another. I would love to hear from a guys point of view but I appreciate a woman's view too.
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oral sex, orgasm, porn, sex drive, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): Wow! I am truly looking at my life in your words. My boyfriend of a year now is a spitting image. I can truly relate to your own feelings and too often find myself feeling like I'm crazy for feeling this way. I am a beautiful woman as well and get complimented by other men constantly. My boyfriend, I believe is addicted to porn. We never have full sex and only oral sex for him and self gratification are on our agenda as well. I have tryed to talk to him and he gets antsy and either wants to fight or refuses to talk at all. when he does answer me, the answers are vague and change often. Everything from,"I don;t want another child", or "sex should not be the basis of our relationship, and I love you". I too love him with all my heart and want only the best for us both. I am sooo glad to hear that I am not the only one going through this and hope we can both make it through. I am only 32 and I still have it in me sort of speak and hope I can break through this barrier with him. He has as well been extremely hurt in past relationships and says I have broken down his wall more than anyother since his ex-wife. They say patience is a virtue. I wonder how long this can continue. My thoughts are with you and hope all works out for us both!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): Dear Confusedandinluv
When I read your Q it felt as if i was reading my own story. My fiance is also a cold stone in the bedroom. He doesnt even touch me. Like you I have done everything imaginible, but he just doesnt put in any effort and I think he would be quite happy if we never had sex again and just lived like that. I have even told him that if I dont get sex from him that I will get it somewhere else. I dont think that even bothered him to tell you the truth. Dont get me wrong. I am not a sex addict but would love it if the man I am with atleast wanted to want me.
I have now decided that I have had enough. I cant take it anymore.I love him soooo much but have come to the conclusion that if he did realy love me as much as he says he does, he would have done anything in his power in order to make me happy.
But he doesnt even bother and I am sick off it. I suggest you think about yourself from now on. Because I tell you that our partners are thinking about themselfes and not us.
Regards (In the same boat)
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female
reader, confusedandinluv +, writes (20 July 2006):
confusedandinluv is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Dr. Pete: I think you nailed the real problem....I have just been so wrapped up emotionally in this relationship to really see the truth of the matter...see I am so not into masturbation that I even spelled it wrong in my previous note....LOL You really know how to help someone by sharing without the do's and dont's. I have learned to talk to people by sharing my experience, strength and hope and stay away from do this and don't do that!
My boyfriend has often questioned himself on why he has a lack of interest in sex with me. Do you think it would be wise to somehow share with him (in my own words) what you shared with me?
I would like to share this with you....I know each woman he has been in a relationship with ended up cheating on him but always came back to him for sex...so he says. He has also told me that I have been the first girlfriend that he has never messed around on. I really think that is truth because most of the time I know where he is at.
He told me that he dated a 45 year old when he was 23 and that they had great sex. Of course he was younger and could last longer back then. On the other hand something tells me that he is insecure with his sexuality and is covering up by bragging. His favorite saying to all his male friend sis: I am a lesbian because I like to go down on women. Does a man who brags about something like that making himself feel better and more manly because he hasn't gone down on women very often and unsure of himself in the area of pleasing (maybe very selfish tto) I Do not mean to get too personal on this subject but I love this man and I really want to understand him. Thanks again for your time and feedback.
Hi Maylce: I can tell you are a really caring lady. I am very interested in what you said in your note to me. Could you go more into detail explaining your thoughts in paragraph 4 and 5? My boyfriend has changed his answers to me so many times concerning his lack of interest in sex with me that I do not know what to believe. In the beginning he told me he sucked at relationships, he didn't want to use me for sex, the issue of not having sex with me often went really deep and ect.....I have asked him many times what he meant about what it going deep means but I just get a look and no answer. It's crazy!!! He says he loves the trust and communication in our relationship but if that is the case why am I so confused and sexually starved? He has opened up to me a whole lot more the longer we are together. I have really practiced loving this man not just getting so therefore I really do love him. Thanks again for your sincere feedback and I do want counseling for both of us, but he has not commited to marriage at all. In fact he wants to be long time partners instead of marriage. I think this guy has a problem with wanting to feel obligated to do his part to have a healthy relationship....even though I see that he has really tried to better himself for me. He tells me I do not try to change him that I make him want to change. Gosh this is the first time I talked to anyone about us I could go on forever but I will stop before I ove load you. Blessings,Lori
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): confused&inluv
I am going to guess that his past relationships that were "based on sex" ended because his partner found his sex drive too low, just as you do. I think rather than divulge the true nature of the relationship breakup, he has, whether knowingly or not, chose to believe his partners was more interested in sex than "communication and trust".
There are, of course, men that have a signifigantly lower libido than women, however, I think with your partner this is not the case.
He is clearly much more comfortable with using porn for sexual release, rather than interacting with a real person. This is a problem for a habitual porn (dare I use the word - addict). When you regularly replace the act of emotionally and physically satisfying a women with the act of merely acting out a sexual fantasy in your mind with the aid of sexually graphical material it is logical that you will eventually opt to choose the later to satisfy your own needs. Why is this? Because masturbating to porn is far easier than having to persist in maintaining a healthy, emotional and physical relationship with a women, the mind will always go for the easiest option.
If you want this problem to be resolved, he needs to stop using the porn, and learn to get his sexual needs met from you. I personally think he may need professional help to do this, and I think it will take time for him to re-develop the correct way of regarding and treating women.
It's great that you are so focused to keep this relationship, but I think if he refuses to stop turning to porn for his sexual needs, you really need to question if any thing will ever change. The continuous rejection you suffer and what will eventually become a weakening of your own self-belief and confidence could really harm you emotionally long in to the future. Good luck with the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): Sex is an act that is meant to instill in us trust, love, respect and each time should strenghten these feelings. So I can see why you are upset.I would suggest that he needs to see his family doctor to address his concerns of a low sex drive.I also suggest that some couples counselling as well as individual be put in place.It sounds like he is struggling with the act of SEX and the trust that should come with it. It is a very imtamate act and him wanting to be in control of his own sexual climax is an indicator.He has a hard time discerning between fantasy and real life intamacies. It is in his head and little communication on this matter is not helping you.This may not be what you hoped for but I strongly stand by getting outside, professional help when your relationship is suffering.Best wishes.*hugs*
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