A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met my wonderful boyfriend during my gap year (2010) but now we're LDR. I love him to bits and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, but since starting college, I've been finding it tough not to be at least a teeny bit flattered by the sudden attention from other guys...Even though I'm a gregarious person by nature, I never really had friends before I went to college (I had a difficult time at secondary school, but that's another story). It's great having new people to talk to, but the guys can be a bit flirtatious - as is natural, I guess. I play it down, and they know I've got a boyfriend, but what's tougher to ignore than the teasing etc. is their reassurance that they're here for me emotionally.To be honest, I struggle with stuff - the course we're doing because it wasn't the one I really wanted to do, problems at home etc. - and sometimes it shows. Although my boyfriend understands me better than anyone, our main way of communicating is online, via instant messaging. My friends on the other hand text me a lot, I see them most days... sometimes all I want is a hug. And they're around to give me one, but I don't dare to venture breaking the touch barrier, because it'd feel almost like cheating to me. My poor boyfriend :( I don't know what to do. What's an appropriate level of intimacy to have with male friends when you're in a relationship? Someone please advise, I feel completely lost. Thank you x
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Sex makes the difference between friends and friends with benefits. Friends with benefits are never "just friends". I think that says it all. Sex ruins the friendship. There are a few, very rare and odd, exceptions. The rule however is that sex and friendships do not match. If a guy is willing to sleep with you then you can, in 90 percent of all cases, assume he is not a real friend.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 When you're REALLY "in a relationship" then ALL your intimacy is reserved for you partner in that relationship...
IF you compromise THAT then you really AREN'T "in a relationship" after all... Instead, you have a good and close L/D friend who may THINK that HE is in a relationship (with you).... but who is going to be hurt by you if/when you share your intimacy with some other guy...
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Chi girl again makes good points and I mostly agree
' If ANY of these guys are willing to jump in the sack with you, or kiss you, then they aren't a FRIEND of yours. Ok? That's a really good test, so you can ask yourself. If they are true friends they'd not want to risk that friendship by fooling around.'
I however don't agree with that. I have many female friends, two of which I'd consider BEST friends, including male mates and I'd happily just in the sack with them if the chance arose, may be a bit crude to say but its true.
0P, I guess you just need to read these males well, ensure they're not just trying to get into your pants then fine, but its hard to tell these days, some guys will try to have a go on anything, that's just the way they are, these are the ones that you need to be wary of, as you mentioned, these are the flirty omes, now I don't actively try to flirt with these two previously mentioned girls, I won't lie I've made joking comments about intimacy before and they just laughed it off as I wasn't directly asking for something to happen, just playing around.
You'll get to know over time the flirty ones and the guy friends that you can confide in.
Hope this helps, sounded to me like I went a little off topic haha.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (22 November 2011):
 I agree with chi girl she said it all and very sensible advice too!!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 November 2011):
Their "reassurance" that they are there for you emotionally, and the flirting, is not friendly. You need to not get so flattered you can't see a flirt when he talks to you. Guys will say things like that to get to you, to get into your pants, so that next time you have a fight with your bf they can be a shoulder for you to cry on and eventually hook up with.
True friends don't flirt with each other, true friends respect each other and don't have a need to flirt with each other to keep a friendship alive. Maybe, if you aren't used to having many friends, you haven't learned the differences between flirting and friendship. You need to understand that just because guys are nice to you, and say they know you have a bf, that doesn't make them friendship material. They could still be flirts only interested in you because you look pretty, for example. So called shallow friends.
A hug with a male friend is fine. A hug with a flirt who fakes being your friend isn't fine. You need to learn the difference between these two sorts, what a true friend is (true friends do not flirt) and what a shallow pretend-friend is (someone who just hangs with you because you are pretty and they want to get laid). If ANY of these guys are willing to jump in the sack with you, or kiss you, then they aren't a FRIEND of yours. Ok? That's a really good test, so you can ask yourself. If they are true friends they'd not want to risk that friendship by fooling around. And if they are true friends they aren't interested in you sexually.
Just look at YOUR friends, the ones you think of as true friends... if they had a rough time would you jump in the sack with them (even if you were single), just because they are nice friends? No, you wouldn't. Because friends aren't interested in having sex with each other. Those who do are interested in more than friendship. So if these "friends" are flirting with you, and you think they might try it with you, then they are not actual friends.
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