A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there!I have an interesting case of gender role reversal for you all!I'm getting married for the first time next July. I was over the moon when my boyfriend asked me: I am really committed to him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.However, the wedding itself is becoming a headache and I'm beginning to feel really stressed about it. Though I am quite bohemian and extrovert, I am also someone with a really strongly developed sense of privacy about the important stuff. I'm happy to go out and party, but I also have a range of stuff that's important to me that I keep very private. To put it another way, I'm not the kind of girl who adores big ceremonies or conventionalities - they don't have much meaning to me. My partner is very different - he has had a posh schooling and a very middle class upbringing, he is much more bound to the forms and ceremonies of life than me. I originally wanted to get married on a beach somewhere, more or less by ourselves, and then come back and have an informal party for friends and family. However, my partner has other ideas. He has other ideas - he feels an obligation to have his entire family and friends there, and the day has gradually turned into a massively formal, ceremonial occasion at a really, really posh venue. Whereas my guest list is around five people, his runs into the tens. We're going with his plans.But it bothers me that he's turned into groomzilla! I still love him to death, but I no longer know what my role is with regard to this day - I feel like I'm showing up at someone else's party and going through a set of motions that mean very little to me. I'm not sure how I feel about this - sometimes I feel like it'll be OK, and that I can grit my teeth and pretend to like it for his sake, at other times I feel a bit upset.I suspect this is a dilemma that more guys on average have faced than girls (except for the fact that, as a woman, I'm supposed to be the one who is overinvested, so I have the additional stress of not living up to this role). So guys, how did you cope with your beloved's sudden conversion into bridezilla? How did you retain a sense of meaningfulness about your day when the ceremonies didn't mean much to you? Did you just throw yourself into the spirit of the thing, and hope for the best?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 You envisioned a private, romantic elopement, but somehow he has taken the reigns and turned it into a lavish ceremony. Are you unhappy with the entire wedding ceremony ordeal, or are you upset that he has simply gone over-the-top in the process? If you can stomach the idea of a wedding ceremony itself, DEMAND a less fancy approach. Take control now and sit him down. Tell him that you're not comfortable or happy with a super-fancy wedding - that in fact it is upsetting you and it's making you want the wedding at all. You can tell him that you'd much rather spend all the extra money on a great honeymoon. Then you could go somewhere tropical and have another vow ceremony on the beach, just the two of you as you wanted. That seems like the best compromise. If you don't want the wedding at all and the thought of a big wedding turns you off, have him plan an extravagant party after your elopement, or try to appeal to his over-the-top nature by showing him fancy destination wedding ideas.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 November 2011):
 You and he need to talk this out SOON... since this is really representative of some important differences in your backgrounds.... AND, potentially, in how you (both) look at life. You're learning that people really can't detach themselves completely from their upbringing and "who they are".... even if they ARE able to resist revealing "who they are" through the courting cycle....Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (22 November 2011):
 I know you put this question out to the guys,but im going to answer it anyway.If you don,t feel part of these proceedings so far then you need to start and contribute to them. Have your say in a few things and tell him some of the suggestions so far have left you feeling uneasy.If the boot was on the other foot and you were going ahead with the beach thing and few peeps,how do you think he would feel,when he wants all his peeps there. You have to tell him how you feel and can you compromise. This is what he would do if he were not happy as would most men these days.
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