A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Modnote: I allowed 2 of the videos as I feel that they contributed important understanding. I did not allow the Fleshlight video. I watched all 3 videos before I allowed the 2 in. The rest below is from the Original Poster- - - - - ---Well..I need some advice. Before I ask my questions - I feel the need to tell my story very briefly. so you can understand why I'm a 32 year old virgin.Simply put. I was a nerd growing up. I was almost a clone of Steve Urkell growing up.http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/da/2005_0308_urkel.jpgI know that nerds in general have a bad rap in the dating world in general (no offense) but in the black community being nerdy means you're the bane of the community. Simply put...unless you offset your nerdiness with some type of coolness ei. (tatoos, athletic ability, drink alcohol, uses drugs, etc.,) you simply won't get any girls and you won't have friends. i was so nerdy that even ugly girls didn't want to deal with me.These two videos paint a good picture of black culture and simply put why black guy nerds don't get laid in the era of gangster rappers and Hip Hop fashion.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3sCj0MBn54https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coytkAi-bVYsimply put i was raised up in a very dysfunctional - competitive bad social environmentAnd like most nerds who can't get laid. What do we do? we look at and become HOOKED on porn. That's all some of us have. And it's been that way for 15 years for me. From the time at age 13-14 when i discovered my dad's stash to escalating to online porn....to now. During those 15 years i went through the ups and downs in my lifeI went from high school to a black college in 2000 (Howard University) - - undergrad was a replay of high-school - but worse...getting dates and friends meant i needed to be a rapper, have tatoos and party - be an asshole and smoke marijuana. And i just couldn't be that way at the time. it wasn't my nature.I dropped out of the college in 2004 - moved from home - I was out for 5-6 years and I struggled working 3 jobs barely making it. I got out of shape and looked undesirable... i went from being a clean looking nerd to being a guy who looked like a real looser who had no sex appeal who looks at porn.looking back - while others do deserve blame - i also deserve blame because i let the abuse i took from family, peers, parents etc., affect me - i should've focused on women outside of my community and i regret not at least trying.At some point i got fed up and I eventually joined a gym - got myself in shape, improved my dress. Got back in school in 2011. I just graduated last May 2014.I can now say I'm not nerdy looking anymore - I've aged well. my physique looks very good - And women are beginning to now notice me more now - i look like a confident muscular black man who's in shape - who dresses well, and has a sense of direction who'll have a good career - but it's just a false front. i have no sex experience besides what I've seen in porno flicks.And i saw a thread on on another forum called pegym the "flesh-light stamina training" - and the fleshlight is a sex toy for men that is meant to help men simulate sex and help them build up sexual staminaA guy named alex553 talks about how to use the fleshlight and about the reality of being good in bed requires practice and exercising the pelvic muscle. He talks about how he trains with the Fleshlight and how it's like physical fitness. If he trains his stamina up and if he stops for a week - he loses 80% of his stamina he built up...and it's all about practice and training.Truth is - i have very sensitive balls. And i practically have no stamina. i'm probably the type of guy that women joke about who last 30-60 secs.And i seriously thinking about buying the flesh-light along with the flesh-light mounting device that's meant to help simulate doggy style and missionary position - and using that to practice to at least get some idea of how sex is. I've read about men who have such good penis / pelvic control that they can actually control when they orgasm...they can thrust a girl for an hour, stay hard for a good amount of time - control their penis muscle to the point where they can feel their girl orgam multiple times and then actually control when they want to cum- even if i do get some sex experience - i like the idea of having "practice" with a fleshlight when there are times when sex is not available. I'm decent looking but i'm not a womanizing chick magnet - who tries to have sex with girls on a first date. i'm a nice guy. (on a side note: being a nice guys sucks because it's not very rewarding - so very many women get in bed with assholes)BUT i'm embarassed and ashamed of being a 32 year old virgin and being addicted to Porn too. There is a sense of shame and embarassment in that. And buying sex toys takes my shame to another level and it's making me confused.because the truth is - soon i will move from my parents home and begin new job since i just graduated -and be on my own again. It's not like beautiful women will fall out of the sky and into my bedroom. I gotta go out there - play the dating game, qualify myself to women and compete with other men. Luckily for me - this city has an international component to it - i'm into international girls and russian girls - i'm learning german, french and russian...but still i got to work to get what i desire - which i can accept...but truth is - i'm a looser in the bedroom.i keep thinking "oh i'll find some nice girl who will be sympathetic toward me and will work with me" - but there's no telling what will happen out there....and i just need some advice from somebody - because i'm the type of guy who orgasms too fast. what should i do? - Spend money on a flesh-light to practice on - or - risk getting laughed at by womeni know not every female out there - is the gossipy type but the way i've grown up - i've seen the worst of women - i seen even the seemingly nicest of women - rationalize cheating because that woman's bf doesn't fuck her the way she likes.so any male or female advice would help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responses. I'm the original poster.
To Abella - thanks for the encouraging and REALISTIC advice.
Don't worry - i have a plan. i know all about online dating, scammers and women who ask for money. I got a good eye for that. I got that all figured out. Don't worry.
And i also have a plan for connecting with international women in-person in my area. it's a good plan by the way. like i said the combo of using social media and being a teacher of english has allowed me to make ALOT of contacts already in a short amount of time.
It's just my sex skills are lacking.
but you're right. it's gonna take time. one day at a time. i just needed a 2nd opinion. glad to get a female perspective that's realistic,grounded and encouraging. Not a conservative angry porn-hating feminist point of view - that tries to marginalize my pain and point of view - your sympathetic - understanding point of view has helped me alot.
i know what to do now. because my main problem is simple. I hear men all the time who rationalize sleeping with ALOT of women as them needing to practice & keep their sex skills sharp - & because of the way many women joke about men who are "bad in bed" on women talks shows, in women magazines and in beauty shops too.
there's a gender war going on almost. Men feel pressure to "perform" and women alot of times say they want a nice man but in their gut they want to have great sex with that handsome womanzing guy with the big dick and the washboard stomach.
so - it puts guys like me in a bad place because - i refuse to womanize like the men in family do. i'm not that type of guy. i won't do it. but being the man i have been - didn't get me laid either - so...
the flesh-light is what i need to get some practice-in. because yes...i have a long way to go....
i know that women aren't gonna fall out of the sky and into my bedroom. And even if they did...i wouldn't impress them very much anyways.
so..either way. thanks.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Hi
I am adding in an article I just read from poster Mark1978. It has good advice.
Though you may be intending to meet ladies in person and not through an online dating site I thought I would draw your attention to this excellent article:
.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/online-dating-guide---with-really-good.html
As you have such a lot of past pain and you have suffered so much, please do be aware that that makes you more vulnerable to be targeted by person who may want to take advantage of your financially.
So do beware of a female to appears to be too good to be true.
No one honorable would want you to ripped off financially by an unscrupulous individual.
But such unscrupulous individuals do exist.
Mark1978 has some wise insights into situations that say Run now and run fast.
The red-flags that should be waving in front of you if a date starts to ask you for money or weaves a sob story so compelling that you feel the need to help her out financially.
I do hope that you do find happiness with a good woman in the future. A woman who is kind and understanding and allows things to develop at a pace that is mutually agreeable to you and to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responses. I'm the original poster.To Abella - thanks for the encouraging and REALISTIC advice. I think the flesh-light with the two-play mount device will help me. I can't count on my two hands the number of times i've seen women huddle up and talk about the type of dick they like. how they laugh at other women who f*** with men who come too fast, and there's always a trash-talking woman in the group who is the ring-leader who rationalizes cheating because her man can't f*** her right. or all these women's talk shows where women find 100 ways to shame men from their f*** game to their intellect and everything.it is what it is!Typically women - especially groups of pretty women talk about the type of dick they like. they're ruthlessI just want to remind that - I'm not nerdy looking at all. That's my problem. I am confident in myself. I give off this image of being a confident black guy with muscles - but it's false. The few women i have shared my virgin secret with have been in utter shock with their jaws dropping to the ground in disbelief because of the way I look and talk. they don't believe me when i admit to it. But i agree about telling my life-story is not always a good idea - but i have met some caring / sympathetic women a few times in my life - who cared. I can engage and talk to girls and sometimes they're surprised that i know a lot about relationships- but it's because i read alot and listen a lot and soak up knowledge.I'm into international women to be honest - people talk about the downsides of highspeed internet and there are - but social media is one of the upsides and it makes it easier to bond with women in other cultures - and my focus is on german, russian and women of the slavic world, but the advice Abella gives - is SOLID advice - i'll take notes. My thing is learning foreign languages and being a teacher of English. It’s a great way to connect with good people and make new friends as well.To the Anonymous female who replied and said i'm mysognistic and didn't like my comment that nice guys don't get laid. well...you have the right to your own opinionSso many women love to get in bed with men who are assholes. You have the right to your own opinion and i respect that - but i think it's important to be realistic in life. You can't sit there and think that all women are nice like you and think like you - this is human nature we are talking about. Sure maybe there is two types of women. Women who have a realistic / positive outlook on life and women who (because of their upbringing) have a sexual attraction to assholes. Also i feel it's important to point out that - i'm black man and i grew up in a dysfunctional black family situation/community and environment i didn't grow up in the "hood" per se- even as i grew out of that and as i notice that hip hop fashion and gangster rap culture is now mainstream for society - and touches all our lives and that even by your own confession - you are a nerd - can you really give me REALISTIC advice that will help me? i'm very sorry that my nerd comments offend you. i'm sorry. i just have to be honest about my past and why I’m at this stage I can only attest to my experience here in my state. The dating culture here is very competitive. very. and that translates down from adults in the 25 and older crowd to college age, teens, and pre-teens too. i would even say it's worse now in 2014 than it was when i was a kid in middle-school and high-school in the 90's it's really vicious. And it all sways in favor of women. I'm not complaining. that's just the way it is. i read somewhere that my area is the #3 worst dating environment for men. but i don't need a study to tell me that - i've always known this in my gut.If i had had a pretty boy face to makeup for my nerdiness in my black culture then i guess i would be ok. but the hard truth is - black boys who are nerds who are either ugly or average looking will be victims. Plain and Simple. And boys like that need support, love and understanding and need to be in a positive social environment - other-wise they are DOOMED.In my world nerds in general don't get a lot of love for the ladies.. But being a black nerd is 10 times worse. If you were a black guy nerd then you would understand it but you aren't - because if you were - you would be excluded, hated and you would never get an opportunity to be happy. Even ugly girls found me boring.Even other races (white, Hispanic, asian, etc., ) are suprised that i wasn't THUGGED OUT and COOL. And in many cases those races won't accept you any other way. it's the truth. And what's worse? it wasn't only my peers who did this to me mainly. it was family and parents who were abusive.Should i have pushed myself and tried other environments and challenged myself to look outside of my own community/box and pursued that with a passion? Yes. I know that now..but when you're age 15 and getting older, curious about sex and wondering why nothing in your life works you begin to look in the mirror and hate yourself for it.Some of the blame belongs to me - but only a small amount of blame. looking back i should have done whatever necessary to look outside of my "black" world and MADE something happen instead of blaming others. they do deserve blame - but i could've taken action and worked harder - to look outside my box.And specifically i should have targeted foreign girls (german girls, french girls, swedish girls, spanish girls who are directly from Latin america and not American Born) i should've done that from day 1. Because interracial dating with black guys back in the 90’s was still taboo. I should've focused on learning foreign languages. i didn't know to do this. i had no idea. i was focused on what i saw on tv, trying to copy what other did and do what my parents expected of me at the time. - i was trying hard to take my cue from MTV and music videos and would wonder why couldn't score or even have good friends at least.i know a guy from NYC who's about my age who is black like me, similar personality - and his father encouraged him to date/f*** with only nice white girls from the time he was young. because his father knew how "tough" black girls are to be with and how entitled 2nd gen american born young beautiful latinas can be too....and in 2014 - he's got a new girl every month. he's smart. he specifically targets foreign white girls. that is.. sure there are things about him i don't like - he trashes black women way too much to the point where it's uncalled for - but he had a good foundation - dating wise. in a way i'm envious of him. he's had a healthy sex life - respect to himMy father placed me in an impossible situation where i couldn't win and i got depressed early in the game. Which is why I shared those videos about “black culture” in the first video.I was pressured to be cool and attract - beautiful light skin black girls or light skin latinas - and was made to feel bad because i couldn't attract those women and be cool. That’s what black culture is. It’s crazy. Isn’t it. i wasn't willing to be the douchebag type asshole that stupid young girls wanted to f***. this pattern started in high school and continued to college.so what did i do? i turned to porn and it's been 15 years of that. sad but true.my father was a nerd in his youth and struggled similar to me but he made the conversion to the womanzing asshole. He became the stereotypical evil guy that black women wanted to f***. He's broke the law, used drugs, hung out with local criminals, f***ed prostitutes, gambled, drank etc., - and he did this on his off time from work. Business professional by day and bad boy pimp by night in the 70's. that was his blueprint for manhood.So when i developed into my nerdiness. he had a plan for me - I was a nice guy - black nerd with skin problems. was i ugly? well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But black girls and spanish girls didn't find me attractive and the particular type of white and asian girls - and other races of girls round me outside of (black and spanish) at the time were too racist to deal with me - interracial dating for young teens and pre-teens was still a little taboo in the 90's. to f*** white girls you needed curly hair and light eyes or have pointy white features.my father believed that he needed to be ABUSIVE toward me so that i would change and be "cool" but all he did was cause emotional damage to me and he's done a lot of EVIL things to me - all in the name of making me COOL.This is why i posted those two clips here earlier to make people here understand this. and how f***ed up black culture is and how hip hop has a negative impact on it. but hey it is what it is.In 2014 i'm working hard to make up for the failures of the past - and i'm taking every precaution. i'm totally focused on russian girls and ukraine girls and women in the slavic world. And i have good contacts and i think everything will workout for me.but i'm worried about my sex skills and i'm just trying to figure out a good solution. the Fleshlight stamina unit trio sounds like a possible solution to get some practice in. but also i - see there's nothing like a real woman too...i'll make decision
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): I'm a nerd, too. I was a virgin until, hell, until recently. I thought I'd die alone, etc ... until I met another nerd. There's going to be someone out there, if your view on women changes. Being a nerd doesn't disqualify you from finding love (or just sex, for that matter). So let's knock that excuse off right now.
Oh boy. The classic "I'm a NICE GUY, but girls only date ASSHOLES." There's your problem. Not the virgin thing, not the porn thing. This thing. You've perfectly summed up your entire view of women, and it's a bad view. It's misogynistic and you probably have other misogynistic views as well that would seep into your conversations and turn off any woman. This is your problem #1 and you should probably get some female friends (which means, don't be constantly imagining having sex with them - JUST FRIENDS) and learn that they are just people like you so that you can start to unravel that sort of thinking.
About your actual dilemma, about sex, you need to cut back on the porn. I know this sounds HORRORIFIC, but start with only 1 per day, then every other day. I mean, you can masturbate still, I guess, just with your imagination, though. Porn WILL NOT TEACH YOU HOW TO SEX. Porn is a fantasy and is meant for visual stimulation. When you are actually with another person, your instincts will take over. "Rubbing this on this really feels GOOD!" sort of thing.
Women don't really get off on vaginal penetration alone, so you practicing with a fleshlight does not help you please real women, unless you only consider women as masturbation toys, which is disgusting and please excuse yourself from the human race if so. I'll assume you care about her pleasure as well, though.
Also, there's all kinds of things that sex involves that merely having a hole to put your penis in WILL NOT HELP YOU IMPROVE. Vaginal penetration is NOT the end-all, be-all of sex. I cannot stress this enough. The fleshlight is merely meant to help you jack off. It's not a sex simulator and will guarantee your future sex partners a bad time in bed with you if you think that it is.
You will not get laughed at by a woman for being a virgin, you will not get laughed at by a woman for not knowing how to have sex. You will disappoint your sex partner if you think porn is how people have sex, BUT if you are open to listening to her, you can change that. Porn has definitely done a bad job at educating this generation of men on how to actually please their partners, but if you listen to what they say they like, then you can fix that. Every woman is different. Some like cunnilingus, some find it meh. Some get off on just having a penis inside of them, most need their clitoris also massaged. You'll never be perfect at sex with all women, because they're all different. Try your best with who you're with at the moment. That's all you can really do.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 June 2014):
There is or should not be such a rush. You have waited this long to lose your virginity and a little bit more preparation will do you know harm.
I also have it on good authority from a guy who has demonstrated what a chick magnet he can be is that it helps if you stay cool and do not rush girls. Find out about them, be nice to them but keep them guessing. Don't be in a hurry to pour out your life story. Get to know their name though and use their name in conversation. But then step back a little, stay cool, check out their reaction to see how interested they are likely to be. Never be too eager, as it's a turn off.
Another guy told me that he observes everything he can about a girl before he approaches her. How she behaves with friends, her manner, her dress, even her shoes, her hair. He takes it all in to size her up. He stays in the background to do this, in a position where he is far away enough to observe unnoticed at a venue, not making his move too soon. He is not impatient. His attitude is if he loses one there are always others out there. What he does have is supreme confidence in himself.
First and foremost I think you are suffering a crisis of lack of confidence in yourself. Nerdy guys do get girls. Attractive guys do sometimes find it hard to get girls.
Your own self belief will carry you through so much.
But beginning a new job and moving does not mean that girls will just automatically flock to your side.
Nerdy guys often dress in a nerdy way. Though IT nerds seems to always dress in quirky ways and still get girls. That said it would be a good move to consider getting a couple of new outfits in the new domicile. Smart casual for when you venture out at weekends. Maybe get advice from menswear salesperson.
First forget about girls while you establish yourself in the new domicile. The fleshlight may have to do extra duty for a little while.
Network and develop new non-sexual contacts. I mean join a community organisation where you can meet people and volunteer - the Red Cross would welcome you.
Get a life and develop some interests, before you seek engagement with new women. It will make you more interesting to women.
Go visit some historical buildings in the area. Get to know the place you move to. It will make for better conversations with similarly intelligent women as you are a man.
Find out what Festivals might be on soon in the area you are settling in.
Is there a Lions club in the area that you could join? A chance to meet good people.
And please do your best to build up your confidence in you.
Think of yourself as a Garden to be grown into something more. There is an old proverb that said (I read it in an English book) and it said if you have a 20 shillings to spend on a garden then spend 17 shillings on the soil and 2 shillings on the plants and save the 1 shilling for fertilizer for the following year.
You are a bit like a garden. Put most of your energy into building up your confidence, then developing your confidence in your ability to interact with attractive women.
Build that satisfaction in you and your abilities.
Then develop some networks as you establish your career.
Eventually meeting women will just become a part of your life and result in wiser choices than restricting yourself to meeting desperate women in bars.
And the fleshlight is a great alternative. I see nothing wrong in you making use of that.
Girls like sincerity and integrity. Read the posts from girls frustrated by men who are horrible and selfish and abusive - there are many such posts from nice women.
Girls who are worth the effort are looking for nice respectful good guys who are not selfish, who are caring and considerate. And Loyal. BadBoys only seem good at the beginning but the interest soon wanes when the guy is unfaithful, cannot handle money, is irresponsible and abusive.
Though you could also benefit from a Masterclass in some lessons from some good Uncles and Aunts on this site.
Since I watched the videos after I read your post perhaps you could also consider reading the following posts from dearcupid.org. I picked out a good selection for you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-be-attractive-a-beginners-guide-for.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/self-confidence---an-easy-step-by.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/virginity-.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/nice-guys-.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/lets-talk-about-the-problem-with-nice-guys.html
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