A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, this question is mainly aimed at mum's opinions but any others are welcome, and I'd rather you say what you think within reason and without too much of a lecture thanks.Basically, I've been with my boyfriend 1 year 8 months, I'm fifteen and he's sixteen. And no we havn't had sex yet. My mum knows this and has been trying to hold putting me on the pill untill I'm 16 even though she understands today's world, she still think it's for the best.I turn 16 in february, and she's been trying to get me to do something nice with my friends for my birthay, but with hassles at school and not being one to really care about birthdays and fuss too much, I decided what I'd really like to do but don't know if it will be way out of order to ask or not.So here's what I would actually like to do; go out for a nice meal with my boyfriend, somewhere classy and different to a town not too far away from me, and then just to rent out a hotel room for that one night where we have sex for the first time for the both of us. I just think it would be so much nicer as opposed to doing it in my own bed. We'll both be legal, w've been together long enough to know we love each other and I think it should be rewarded for being sensible for so long, it''s not like many relationships now aways work like this.Anyways, apologies for the very long question but if any mums or anyone else read this I'd really like your opinion on how I'd apporoach this with my mum or whether I'm being too unrealistic. Thanks x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): Wait until your married. It's not an "out of date" idea. My wife and I both waited and its not because we never had the opportunity. Our sex life is great and I don't think it would be as great had we both slept around when we were in high school and in college.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): yes you are young but at the end of the day 16 is old enough to be in true love. Weigh the risk carefully is all that i ask. Be careful and make it special. Truthfully i couldnt have been stopped either...I wouldnt pay for it but i would say may all your dreams come true. Ps. if the first time or two isnt that great...keep trying. ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I'm young, I KNOW THAT! That's all I am constantly reminded of and I'm sick of it but obviously there's nothing I can do about that, I also know parents have made mistakes and only want to guide their children into the right path, but all I can say is as well as preventing them as much as we can, we also do need to make some decissions for ourselves for us to learn from our own mistakes. I'm not talking about going and getting pregnant but today is a different world. My mum allowed my sister to have sex when she was 16 and had only been with her boyfriend a couple of months, I'm not planning on children any time soon, I would be on birth controll and using other methods to be sure, I'm not stupid. I do think asking my mum to pay for it is out of line, and therefor we do have the money to do som, we both have weekend jobs. Right, I could blab on all day, sorry if I offended some posters I do appriciate all comments, I'm just really opinionated and can't help it, I am a well grounded person and when all you do is get patronised constantly it can get irritating, but at the end of the day I do know it is for the best.So thanks anyways and I think from looking at all posts I know where the idea stands, so thank you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): i would get you a hotel room and contraception. that is what a good parent would do. whoever says 'you arent ready' etc are talking rubbish. for one planned sex is quite wonderful. two no sex before marraige is religious strudel. three sexual activity is all about fun and four virginity is also religious fuddle. its not as important as everyone makes it. and you may not feel pain only pleasure. i felt just that and had an orgasm. and good on you for being in a long loving relationship. enjoy yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): aww, sweetheart. You sound so sure and level headed. I too was an extremely mature 16 year old. And i had sex for the first time...and i used birthcontrol. 27 years later, im still in love with my guy. And let me say that the first time was a awful experience. Also at 18 i had 2 babies. At 43 i have 7 kids and 4 grands...the older 4 are 16 and older...i do understand those longings, the passion and yes the lust. And i would never, never, never, pay money for my daughter to take the chance that i took. I will never forget having 2 babies at 18. On birth control. And i hope to protect my children from that. So as someone who has been in your shoes and is the mother of 3 daughters...a gentle but adamant NO!
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (14 November 2009):
 I imagine she's come to terms with the fact that you'll be having sex, if not that night then some night soon. However I think asking her to finance the room might be a step too far! And I'm not going to tell you not to have sex, I was 16 my first time, but I would personally agree with posters who have said that a hotel is by no means the best place for this - there are people surrounding you, it'll be an unfamiliar place, it'll steep pressure onto the occasion. I'd suggest your boyfriends bedroom or your own, to be honest, as long as one of you doesnt share your room with a sibling or something. It'll be a more relaxed and familiar setting, and everytime you're in the room it'll be a reminder of the night. :) I can see why you think the idea of a hotel is romantic, but honestly it almost definitely won't be what you think it will. I think you're approaching this sensibly, and your mother should be able to recognise that, but if I were her I would draw the line at paying for it!! Her permission should be enough. Also make sure you're on birth control - if you choose to go on the pill, make sure you're using it before the night as you're not fully protected until a week after you start on it (thats the case for my pill anyway, it may be different for different varieties, check with your doctor) and obviously use another form of protection - much better safe than sorry when it comes to pregnancy and diseases. Good luck! :) xx
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (14 November 2009):
 Sorry, I HAVE to respond to this.
"All I can say is fair enough to all responses, I don't think many parents can actually understand the difference when it comes to teenagers actually loving each other and wanting to show that sensibly and maturely with consent and permission of parents"
Dont you think we were all teenagers once?
You are not the only girl who has been 15, and felt like she was in love, and wanted to have sex. Open your eyes to older, wiser people who have been there, made mistakes and are now trying to help you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll I can say is fair enough to all responses, I don't think many parents can actually understand the difference when it comes to teenagers actually loving each other and wanting to show that sensibly and maturely with consent and permission of parents. instead of either running to the nearest bush after one week of being together using no protection and being 14 and absolutley showing no signs of affection, which is actually how alot of people experience their first time. I can completley understand if you were a parent how you would feel about your daughter, but at the end of the day, my mum knows I'm going to be having sex and I think she's just counting her blessing that I will actually be 16. we will of been together nearly 2years and the fact that all my family adore my boyfriend, even quoted by my step-dad "Were all making sure you marry... as there's not many of him left" Anyways, everyones opinion means something but I think it's hard to go into too much detail when you know nothing of the posters life, which obviously you're not going to.Anyways like I've stated below I'll ask as the worst she can say is no, I'm not the sort to go sneak and do it behind her back. Thank you for your time and opinions x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): i know what my mom would do. LAUGH. there would be absolutely no way. my mother is not very conservative, lets me make my own decisions, but also makes sure i know that whatever decisions i make i will have to deal with the consequences. not her. u should really think about this more, we're about the same age, ill be 17 in april, but i think she will prolly say no. i would if u were my daughter.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (14 November 2009):
I think what we are trying to get across to you is that this will be your first time. You have absolutely no idea what to expect. Do you really want to do something that will be a little scary - and no matter how much you have "done" with your boyfriend it will still be a nervous, scary and exciting thing. Being somewhere comfortable and safe will make it far more enjoyable because you will be able to relax. Just remember in hotels there are people in the rooms next to you, above you and below you, and believe me, the walls are thin.
Also, just because you have done other things with your boyfriend, unless you have had penetrative sex, you may still bleed. yes, some girls are lucky, and have already broken their hymen prior to sex, but for others, they can use tampons and experiement with fingering and still have theirs very much intact. So dont think just because you have played about it will be a mess free process.
You are turning 16, and beginning to grow into a young adult. Maybe it is time to act like one and think about all the angles and what is best, rather than just what YOU want. This is the inexperienced child in you, and believe me, first time sex is often not all its cracked up to be in the media. It very often does not live up to the hype, can be difficult painful and a bit disappointing. We just dont want you to ruin your 16th Birthday, because you have made a hasty decision to do something without thinking through the conseqences fully.
But, talk to your mother. You sound like in the end you are going to do this regardless of what anyone, including your mother thinks so all we can do is try and make you aware of what may happen.
The first time should happen naturally - not just because you are legal.
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female
reader, s.a.r.ah_  +, writes (14 November 2009):
k, get her the hotel room. Maybe she just wants to hangout with her friends. If she was going to have sex, then theres noway your going to be able to stop her. If you dont get her the room, she'll have sex anyways, whethers its at his house, outside...wherever. It'll still happen, and pluss , she'll be mad at you. I think you shud get it for her, and make it clear that its a ONE time thing. As well, as making sure that you educate her on sex, maybe buy her condoms, and make it clear that she can talk to you.Maybe after she gets the hotel room, she wont wanna do it again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick resposes, although they are very helpful I find it hard to take all of it into consideration as I know me, I know my body and I know my boyfriend. I know things can change very quickly, but I just know they won't, it's hard to explain without you understanding as afterall I am still young, i'm ready for sex now. I've been ready for a while and he's the one that hasn't put an inch of pressure on me, and even though it would be sort of planned out, I don't think it would make a difference from how comfortable we are with each other, he's my bestfriend and also we've done other "things" before so bleeding is not an issue.Anyways, it was just a thought and something I would like to do instead of wasting my mums money and something I can remember. I think, well I kind of know this was a bad idea but I'm still going to ask her opinion before I make my mind up. Anyways all of your advice has helped me to rethink a little, as gutted as I'm kind of feeling now any advice is good advice, so thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): What I would tell my child is this....if you are mature enough to have sex and want a hotel room...you are then also mature enough to pay for it.
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female
reader, april1116  +, writes (14 November 2009):
 if i was you mom i would tell you no cause you should really wait til you get married, but if thats what you wanna do then ask her
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (14 November 2009):
I think this would be a bit too much for most Mothers.
While they are ok with the "idea" of their children being sexual, the majority do not want to know how and when you are doing it. This may seem silly to you now, but I think it is something that comes with age.
I think it would put your Mum in a terrible position (as she would be paying for it), and you have to understand how she must feel about this.
As you are a virgin, and still very young, just remember that the law says that once you hit 16, you are "allowed" to have sex. This doesn't mean that you are ready, or should do it as soon as you pass that age barrier.
How do you know, that you will be ready on your 16th Birthday? To plan a sexual encounter this far in advance is foolhardy to say the least. You have no idea how you will be feeling then. In fact, I hate to put a downer on this, but you may not still be with your boyfriend then.
Also, I disagree with your idea that having sex for the first time in a hotel room will be better than in your own bed. It will be a strange town, a strange bed, and a strange situation. There is nothing familiar or comforting about a hotel room (especially if it is the cheaper end of the market). If anything goes wrong, you suddenly change your mind, he still wants it and carries on, what can you do? Not much.
Have you considered what might happen? When a girl loses her virginity, there is a high chance that you will bleed. It will probably be painful, and you may not actually be able to do it on that particular day. Do you really want this to happen in a hotel room, where you cannot clean up?
Sex should be something that happens naturally, not planned down to the last minute. If you carry on with this idea, it will be all about expectation, and you will build it up in your head, and then be disapointed. The more pressure you put on this, the less likely it is to live up to your expectations. Also, pressure has a funny effect on men. IF you heap so much expectation on your boyfriend to perform at a certain time, at a certain date, he may well begin to get anxious about it. This can cause many problems, not least (especially in younger inexperienced men) the fact that he may not be able to get an erection. This performance anxiety affects many men, it is very common. Real life is not like the movies where the man can get it up on command, in any given situation and make love whenever and wherever they choose. Some can, but its unlikely that the majority can do this. Couples have split up over similar expectations.
Just let this happen naturally. Enjoy your sixteenth birthday for what it is, and take the pressure off. Dont plan, time or map out how your sexual relationships will develop, just wait and see.
You will enjoy the situation far more if it is at the right time, and the right place in your life. You only get one 16th Birthday, so dont ruin it by putting such pressure and expectations on it.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 November 2009):
 There are a number of potential problems with your birthday request. Firstly as a Mum I don't think I would want to be involved in such a personal decision of my child. There is a difference between knowing your child is being sexually active (turning a blind eye to it) and encouraging it by consenting to the hotel room. Secondly, there is a legal problem - many (most?) hotels would not allow you to book a room as you are under 18 years. My family run a holiday business in the UK and the booking form will not allow all parties under 18. I know they get requests from teenagers wanting a post-a'level break but if their villa's got damaged they wouldn't be able to sue them as they are under 18 years. I assume the same rules apply to most hotel rooms and even if you got your mother to book it in her name, the management may refuse you both entry when they realise there is no adult present. If she says no to your idea why don't you compromise? The special dinner date sounds like a lovely idea, just not so sure about what comes later...
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