A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, ...A couple of months ago (after lots of flirting and confusion about whether the signals were there or not) I met up with a work colleague. Cliche but one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. I went over a coupe more times and shortly after started to wonder exactly what the 'situation' would be classed as. I tried talking to him about it and asked, the conversation was a bit awkward on both parts, i asked if it would become a relationship sort of thing or more a FWB, we both said we liked eachoer but basically ended up with the conclusion of 'see how it goes'. This confused me even more but i thought id pursue it for a while longer as we were both enjoying ourselves and it wasnt affecting work.Since then we have had the same conversation a few times but not really come to a solid answer. At the start of all this, id go over, have sex, stay a little after and leave. There was a little intimacy afterwards but not much.Then he'd occasionally ask me to just stay over instead (because i looked too tired to drive, he didn't want to get out of bed to see me off). Now, after 2 months, its almost expected (lack of a better word) that i stay the night/most of the next day, we kiss, cuddle (not just after sex....lol) and he's said he enjoys sleeping next to me. I really do enjoy his company and to my surprise, have been asked over even when i cannot performs sexually (due to my 'time of the month'...) and we've just relaxed and enjoyed the companionship. This has confused me some more.My questions to you are: What would you consider this as? FWB or the start of a relationship - based on what i have told you to the best of your ability...What is the normal protocol for a FWB? is this the norm? would you normally stay the night etc?Is there any way to get a rough idea of what he wants without being blunt and scarring the crap out of him? lol i've tried that tactic, didn't quite work out...oopsSorry for the length, sorry if it made no sense and any help would really be appreciated.** Please no lectures on the fact he is a work colleague, there are no rules against being with a work colleague, no one at work knows and neither of us plan on telling people UNLESS something comes of this :/
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWould again like to say thank you for your honest opinions on the matter, it really did help to clear my head and not rush into anything......but we have now been sleeping together for 8 months and in an 'official' relationship for 4 of those months. Just goes to show that anything can happen and not everyone is in the same situation. Fingers crossed for the future :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the honest answers, finally have some peace of mind! I understand the situation a lot better now and know not to get 'signals' confused.
The thing that has shocked me about reading your answers.....I actually became quite upset. Was not expecting that at all annnnnd i think this is a bit of a problem.
Im now thinking maybe i should try and get out of this before it starts causing problems and i get too attached or something ridiculous. :/
Again, thanks for the replies
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 November 2012):
 He's got you coming over for s*x..... and staying the night. Your relationship is a peculiar hybrid of "FWB" and "Sleep Buddy".... I'll call it "Sleep Buddy with Benefits".
He's got (and continues getting) what he wants.... so don't expect him to initiate or give you any encouragement to make things change.
IF you don't like this arrangement, then YOU have to make it change......
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 November 2012):
 It's FWB nothing more nothing less.. Cerberus nailed it.
he wont' talk about more because there is no more..you can't "scare the crap out of him" he's just a warm body, a friend to fuck... nothing more, nothing less...
I used to spend the night with my FWB once a week... we had dinner, watched a movie.. cuddled... every thursday night...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): "What would you consider this as?"
FWB's and nothing more.
"What is the normal protocol for a FWB?"
FWB's is pretty much anything goes except there is no commitment and there probably won't ever be. OP it's 'friends' with benefits. It's not called that for no reason, if there wasn't hanging around cuddling and having fun aspect then it would be just called 'benefits'.
"is this the norm?"
Yes, that's the norm. Anything goes except commitment and you can end it a moments notice because it's 100% no strings, which is what you are. You can even sleep with others and not worry about even mentioning it, although it is polite to do so.
"would you normally stay the night etc?"
Yes. Stay the night, cuddle, just hang out on your period, anything goes.
"Is there any way to get a rough idea of what he wants without being blunt and scarring the crap out of him? lol i've tried that tactic, didn't quite work out...oops."
OP it's actually obvious what he wants, his refusal to even talk about it says it all. Why buy the cow when you the milk for free OP, he gets all the joys of a relationship with you now and he didn't even have to commit to you. So why would he commit? He has 100% freedom and a girl willing to give him everything a girlfriend would and demand nothing in return.
Your mistake is what so many other women make in FWB's, you take all the affection and niceness as a sign that it may be something more. OP we have to treat the pussy nice or the pussy will walk, it's just standard maintenance. You're not going to keep an FWB for long as a guy if you just shag her and kick her out of your bed. Women need emotional stimulation to stick around even for FWB's.
I wouldn't bother even trying to talk to him about this OP, it's clear what this is and he's not going to commit because he doesn't have to, and he doesn't want to spoil things by telling you the truth or he'll lose the pussy, so he'll brush off any conversation like that, freeze up or say a few nice words and you'll let it go.
OP when one thing leads to another the very first time you get together then we really don't see beyond that for the rest of the time, you made this about sex, now you're shagging each other, I don't know where you get the idea that it's anything else. This has been about sex from the start, it's still about sex now and it will probably still be about sex well into the future.
Want to know if he sees you as a potential partner? Go on dates, stop having sex and see if he hangs around. But it's actually obvious that's not the case here OP, he can't even give you the usual brush off of "maybe in the future".
Look I've been in a few FWB's and you can ask any of the other posters here how it goes. You do get more affectionate and spend more time together as time goes by, it has all the trappings of a relationship but with no commitment and it does get more and more like a relationship but it never actually is. Signs mean nothing in this kind of situation. The only cast iron sign is actually making it official.
I mean I've even made exclusivity deals with some of mine but that wasn't a commitment to them either OP, just a polite gesture and something that was necessary to keep the girls legs open.
Just have your fun, but don't get sucked into the idea that this anything more than it is. We guys are exceptionally easy to read OP. Anything other than a concrete commitment is a nothing. "maybe in the future, I really like you, let's see where this goes" are all standard brush offs that work on most women, keep that hope alive and the legs stay open.
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