A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I need some advice on my son's relationship with his father this man has never ever been in his life now that he is grown he still dont have much of a relationship with his son.How do I bring up the conversation with my son about his father he knows he is alive but he doesn't talk to him as father and son .Sometimes I talk to his father but he doesn't want our conversations to be about our son only thing he thinks about is trying to be back in my life but I could never love this man again he don't love his son and he surely doesn't love me.My son never knew what a good role model was until the teachers at school which are men gave come in his life and really keeps him on his toes so I feel thankful but its so sad he doesn't think of his sad son at all.How can I bring the subject up to my son.Help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 November 2014):
 Has your son asked any questions about his father or expressed any interest in him?
If he does I would be honest and matter of fact about him. Don't offer well intentioned but false assurances, but don't make a point of cutting him down either. Just be honest and matter of fact.
If he hasn't you could simply tell him if he ever wants to talk about his dad or if he has any questions he can feel free to talk to you. Then leave it at that.
Your son may have no interest in him, a passing interest or at times seem preoccupied with thoughts of his father. Allow him to think and feel what he wants about his father at his own pace. And if he doesn't want to talk about him, respect that too.
Mystique is right. You don't need the added responsibility of defining your ex for your son.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 November 2014):
 sad situation, all too common. Tell him to go seek out his dad when he feels ready but provide no personal opinions beforehand.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 November 2014):
 Why do you feel this is your responsibility? If your son is grown he can reach out and talk to his dad. You dont have to do it for him. Have you sat down and talked to your son and asked him if he wants his dad in his life?
I divorced my daughter's dad when she was 2. He was an abusive man. I got remarried 3 years later and moved 2000 miles away. My daughter only seen her dad during the summers when she would go to spend time with my family. Her dad never wrote her, acknowledged her birthday, holidays...nothing. No child support either. When she turned 18, she went looking for her dad. I stayed out of it. She wanted to know what he was really like. She found out. They didn't speak again for a few years. Now at 33, she has a good relationship with her dad.
If your son wants to get to know his dad, he can do it on his own. You don't need to mediate.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (23 November 2014):
Why are you worrying about something you can't control? As a mother I know what you are saying.
Your focus should be on your son and his needs. I'm sure your son would love for his father to be in his life. But he isn't. Cherish the ones that are a value your son. I have learned that you don't need the DNA donor to be the dad. A child learns by so many great people in his life. Grandfathers, Uncles, and other male role models.
You are doing a great job. Cut that man out of your life. He is not doing anything healthy for your well being either.
Best Wishes to you and your son
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (23 November 2014):
I think you’re taking on all the responsibility for trying to convey this to your son, and that seems unfair. You said you still have contact with your son’s father, so I’d put the ball back in to his court. Why do you need to have any kind of conversation with your son about his father at the moment? Is he asking questions you’re finding difficult to answer?
If so, tell his Dad. Challenge his Dad to tell you how you’re supposed to answer his questions about why his Dad apparently doesn’t want to know him. This might jolt him in to getting his act together and committing to spending some time with his son. If not, it will at least give you absolute certainty that he is, unfortunately, a very selfish person who doesn’t really want to make time for his family, and perhaps you then just need to be honest with your son that there are good and bad parents in the world, whilst reassuring him how much he is loved by you.
IF your son isn’t asking questions at the moment, I don’t think you should try and force this conversation upon him, and instead you tell his father that it’s likely your son will start asking questions about his father eventually, and then ask the same thing as before: what should you tell him?
This may seem hard for you, and I’m sure it is. But you’ve at least got the luxury of contact with the father, so you don’t have to figure this one out on your own, or you can at least be certain that if your poor son has to one day hear the difficult message that his Dad just doesn’t want to know, you can be certain you’ve done all you can to make sure that’s the case and given this man every chance to be a good Dad.
I wish you all the very best.
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