A
female
age
36-40,
*uella_21
writes:Me and my man have split up after a year together. I felt he didn't want the relationship to progress, and proved myself right eventually... i think? I can't get over it though. I couldn't understand why he never asked me as a plus 1 to a wedding or a social occasion or why he went away by himself. He never spoke about the future either. After all these signs, i asked him 'where do you see us in a year from now?' Secretly i was hoping for him to say 'maybe living together', however, this didn't happen. He said 'the same'. Ok, we spent 4-5 days out of a week together, went away a couple of times together, met each others families, even went food shopping together. I had a key to his place, and even stayed there when he was away (his offer). So when he asked me - (i was quite reluctant to answer after his response) i said what i was hoping he would say 'living together ?' He flipped. He said he was 'shocked' and 'suprised' and that he wouldn't want that to happen for a few more years at least! I was so hurt by his reaction i called it a day. He made me feel so worthless and small. Whats killing me now, is why he reacted like this ?What was so wrong with wanting to have a future with the man you love and discussing it? Is it because he's 37, never been married, never had kids...or is it because i'm in my twenties ? I thought we had something really special, and i thought he wanted the same as i did...now i know he doesn't, i still don't know why exactly.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 What I mean is that you still say you were happy together. If he was, then why did he end it?
Read your own post carefully, where do you say that he says he wants to commit?
It takes two people to make a relationship, and no matter how hard one side wants it, if the other doesn't, it won't work.
It ain't nice, but what can you do about it?
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 February 2010):
It's pretty clear this is a man who has problems committing, and who probably was using you to be honest. There's nothing wrong with discussing the future with hi. It was a good job you did, because now you know who he really is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): You weren't wrong to discuss this with him. And good thing you brought it up too, or you could have wasted another year on a man who doesn't see a future with you!
Nope, you are not in the wrong for asking. He just hoped he could string you along for longer without having to make any commitments.
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A
female
reader, luella_21 +, writes (2 February 2010):
luella_21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didn't say i wanted to marry him, i was only hoping that we could take things to the next stage. why is that arrogance ? We were happy together, but yes you do have a point we both want different goals in life and again your correct its his choice, although i was and still am deeply hurt by his cold reaction to my thoughts & desires, and wondered why the guy who is suppose to love me would act so irrational. Surely expressing your feelings in a relationship should be nothing to be ashamed of ?!
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A
female
reader, curious0hot  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 You're not wrong for wanting to start moving to another stage in the relationship after a year.
Although you spend some time together, his reluctance to bring you to official events could mean he doesn't take you seriously.
Have you asked him why he doesn't think you're ready to live together?
If not, you should. If so, what does he say?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (2 February 2010):
If you read this post carefully, there is an amazing amount of arrogance going on.
"I love this man, therefor I deserve to have a future with him."
At NO point does she ask "what does he feel for me". Almost as if it doesn't occur to her that HE is NOT required to have the same feelings for her.
The point here is that we clearly have two people with very different goals in their lives. And from what she tells us, it seems clear that he has said several times that marriage was not in his vision of the future.
He reacted the way he did because that is the way he feels, if she doesn't like that, well she had plenty of warning.
If you want a successful relationship, you need to listen to what the other person is saying. She didn't do that and is still trying to figure out why he isn't saying what she wants him to say.
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FEEL ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU WANT HIM TO FEEL ABOUT YOU.
It ain't hard, unless you are unable to listen.
The answer to WHY he feels this way is because. He is 37 dating a girl half his age, never married. This is not a guy who wants to commit. Why? Because that is his life choice. And it is the hight of arrogance to think that this is wrong just because you want to marry him.
She thought they had something really specia, she thought he wanted the same as her. Yes, she thought, because she never listened.
Next time, LISTEN to what a guy says or continue to be surprised.
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