A
male
age
41-50,
*ika
writes:I've recently got together with a girl who had quite a past. She has been very truthful and open about them. She's had 5 ex-boyfriends before we got together. I have no problem with that for sure as I have numerous past relationships myself. However there are two issues that really bothered me. She has admitted to having an abortion while being together with her 4th boyfriend and cheated on her 5th boyfriend. Cheating is bad I could live with it but to have had an abortion is past my limit of acceptable character. The question is how do I not think about it. I love her dearly but I hold back sometimes mindful of her past. What tolerance or threshold limit one should have on his/her past?
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (16 January 2008):
True to the word only time can tell and all you can do right now is have some faith in her coz if not you'll create unnecessary problems between you two.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Mika +, writes (16 January 2008):
Mika is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you all for the advise. Much appreciated!
Usually, I would have prefered to not have known any of my girlfriend's past. But in this case, it is better to hear it from her personally than to have heard some rumours later on in the relationship.
She says she regrets her past but I doubt she has changed for the better. You would think that these events have made her a little more mature. It is early days but I still find her a little 'full of herself' and inconsiderate.
Having said that, I still do love her very much and will accept the baggage that comes along. Only time will tell if my decision is right!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 Those things are bad, but not unforgivable.
The fact that she told you indicates something VERY positive: that she wants to be honest and open with you, and trusts you. That's great.
It also shows that she has thought about her actions. And learned from them. Also a very positive sign.
So go for it, and don't let it get to you.
Which, incidentally, can be difficult. If you find yourself dwelling on these things even when you have 'rationally' accepted them, then be careful and take action for yourself.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 p.s. She must be really into you if she's willing to be that open and honest about things she's obviously not proud of. It takes GUTS and COURAGE to reveal those kinds of things about yourself so honestly and upfront. I think this is also worth bearing in mind...
Or would you rather not have known?
Think of it this way; she could've hidden this from you and NEVER told you. Would you be questioning the relationship then?
I SAY GIVE HER A CHANCE.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (15 January 2008):
Perhaps she wasn't ready to have a baby? Afterall it is a HUGE responsibility. I don't want to have kids until I know I can provide for them and give them the best life possible.
The very fact it was with her 4th boyfriend who is now an EX, and she has had another relationship after that before you kind of says to me she wasn't happy and maybe she didn't want to be stuck with his baby?
There could be a number of reasons for this. Switch it round and let's take an extreme here; your gf is abusive and violent and takes everything out on you. She's scared of losing you so she traps you with a baby. Is that right? Obviously this is an extreme but perhaps you don't know the full story? Maybe you do know the full story, if so, and you're not happy with it then that's your choice.
Personally I believe, THE PAST IS THE PAST AND CANNOT BE CHANGED, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. EVERYONE HAS ONE. LOOK FORWARD AND MOVE ON TOGETHER.
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A
male
reader, chlez83 +, writes (15 January 2008):
WOW,that's really ALOT for me.I think it bores down to the question of how much you love her.If you love her that much you'll continue with her in the hope that you can live with her past and that she's changed for the better.If it's too much for your head then you have no choice but to seperate because it'll always haunt you.My girlfriend cheated on me once and it took quite a long time to trust her again.It's really up to you but don't reject someone based on their past.Imagine you met a virgin and she broke up with you just because you've slept with a number of ladies.
Take care.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Zoggi +, writes (15 January 2008):
Everyone has a different view of what is acceptable. Personally, I would be a LOT more worried if my new partner had cheated in the past, than had had an abortion. Have you asked her how she feels about these issues?
Like others have said, these things happened in the past, and in order to start as you mean to go on, you need to forgive her.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (15 January 2008):
 If you love a person , you wipe her slate clean , forgive and forget her past and move on. You do not live in the past and there is nothing you can do to change history.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (15 January 2008):
If you love her, your tolerance is limitlessness....Just like God love us even when we commit all kinds of sins and yet He loves us.
You should not hold anything against her nor judge her according to your standards. You should accept her for who and what she is . That is total love. Love her unconditionally.
If you said you love her dearly but cannot accept that she had an abortion, it is just mere words .You are only deluding yourself.Why do you judge her on that issue? Do you feel that you are more holier than her?
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