A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a widower, I have dated a few women over the years and was not looking for a relationship,I just wanted to get out of the house and have some fun. My wife's brother's X wife called me to ask me how I was doing, I haven't talked to her since my wife passed away several years ago. She asked me to meet her for lunch being she was going to be in my area on business. I agreed as she was always a friendly nice person. We met at a restuarant and had a nice talk over many things, her x my wife and kids. She said she was going to be here for a week and that she'd like to see me again before she went back home. We met at the same place and her conversation quickly became quite sexual. I asked her if she was trying to seduce me, and she said "why the hell not". I told her as much as I'd love to I think it's kind of weird. She agreed and said it will be fun. We went back to my house and spent 3 hours in bed, it was great. I didn't want to develop feelings for her but I see I have. I don't know if I could start a relationship with her and I'm afraid of what my daughters would think about this and her. She hasn't asked about a relationship but she said she can't wait to see me again. She has no intention of going back to a bad relationship with a drunk abuser, my brother in law, who is not going to live much longer with from alcohol abuse and lung cancer. I don't want to rock the boat, but if nothing else I would like a closer relationship with her being I did know her for over 20 years and got along well as inlaws. What I want to ask, is getting involve with an X of an inlaw wrong? I'm tired of meaningless relationships I've had and see someone I like and could get along with quite well. I'm afraid to discuss this with my daughters aged 20 and 23, 1 is married and has her own house the other is away living at her college. They still miss their mom as i do too, but I don't want to be alone the rest of my life either. The one friend I asked thought I was crazy for getting involved with an X inlaw, especially for having sex with her. I don't feel guilty for having sex with her, she is divorced and a normal person like me with sexual needs. Where should I go with this, she could be the best thing that's happened to me in years. Please tell me if this is wrong or workable.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 I think you are putting the cart before the horses.
You are turning things in your mind so thoroughly- but you don't even know if she is looking for a relationship too, at least with you.
All you know is that you spent 3 great hours in bed together. Maybe that's all she was looking for : getting laid. " I can't wait to see you again " means that she liked the experience and is happy to repeat it- but you don't know why - if in the context of a short,fun adventure, or of a steady FWB, or in view of a possible serious relationship.
You say that you don't want to be alone " for the rest of your life " but who told you that she is also thinking in terms of " rest of her life " ?. Maybe she is not as quick as you to catch feelings ( btw, after all of 3 hours, those aren't really feelings, more like dormant hormones which got reawakened ). I'd try to find out her point of view , before making waves which could turn out to be unnecessary .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): If I were you I'd broach the subject with your daughters, but only say she has asked you to meet up for a drink. Even imply that you think she means as more than friends, then see what they say. If they are completely horrified, then you'll know this is going to be a struggle for them to accept and you might want to think about whether it's worth it. You will have an out then too as you can say you were never going to take her up on her offer. But if they react ok to it then you will know they will be accepting of it. Although they miss their mum, I'm sure they realise you are still young and they would like you to move on with someone else someday. It just depends whether they can handle it being with their aunt.
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A
female
reader, shellycg  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 Well here's the thing ... first of all you can't help who you fall for, its life and it happens, and it just so happens to be your ex sister in law...It is very difficult when there are children involved younger or older but they will come around to the idea, especially if you are serious about this lady... What I would do is not let it go on for months and months without saying anything, I would tell your children as soon as you can, so that speculation and getting the wrong idea !!I think im well qualified to give my advice here as i TOO fell for someone who I was bridesmaid at his wedding.We got together about 3 years ago and he had been estranged from his wife for a previous 3 years, we had known each other for 20 years and always got on and there was always a spark between us. What we did do was tell the children straight away although it caused some animosity. We are glad we did tell them straight away, we are still together today - we love cherish and adore one another ... so you can almost see the comparison, go with your heart... x
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 Tisha's point is spot on -- it would help you if you could clear up your thinking. Not that I blame you for being in a bit of a fog -- three great hours in bed after years of mourning and abstinence would mess up better men than me.
To my mind the question is how will the family take it. While of course you don't deserve to spend the rest of your life alone, if your daughters would be so scandalized that they cut you out of their lives, that would be an awfully steep price to pay. And how was your relationship with your b-i-l -- if you were buds back in the day and he's going to feel betrayed that won't help things.
Overall I know how hard it is to find new love after a certain age. Having known the gal for all those years has to make it one heck of a lot easier than trying to suss out a stranger. I hope you can navigate the shoals of family, and wish you the very best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2013):
 Obviously you get along with her and find her attractive.
So the question is really, can your family cope with you dating your daughters' aunt?
Does she have children? Because if she does, then you are dating your daughters' cousins' mom.
That's a lot of family ties.
None of us can tell you if that is okay for your family. What would your wife have thought about this idea? Would she be happy for you or would she want you to think about the larger picture for everyone?
You also have to reconcile these two sentiments: "I have dated a few women over the years and was not looking for a relationship,I just wanted to get out of the house and have some fun." vs. "I'm tired of meaningless relationships I've had and see someone I like and could get along with quite well."
So you are looking for a relationship or you are not? Those two sentiments are not mutually compatible.
Maybe once you get that basic question answered you can start making decisions from a place of balance and not from your muddled mind.
Good luck.
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