A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 18 months. We have had an amazing relationship, the best relationship I've ever had, but I do not feel that she is "the one". I don't truly believe there is a "one", but no matter what way I spell it out it is still the same. I don't see me and her going the distance.I hate this feeling! I just wish I could love her as deeply as she loves me. If I did there wouldn't be a problem. I don't want to hurt the girl. I have been heartbroken before and it isn't nice. I love her, I just don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It seems so unfair.What do I do? Like I say, I care for her so much, I don't want to hurt her, but I'm not sure it's something I can avoid. Please advise!
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (19 March 2013):
Ive been in your situation before. I waited until she broke it off with me. I shouldnt have - I should have been the man and done it earlier. Its one of the things in life I regret.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
 You’re right you do sound daft by thinking you are the bad guy if you set her free to find her true love. GAWD how selfish of you. It’s clear you DON’T love her as her comfort and happiness would be the most important thing to you in this case, not if you look like “the bad guy”
If you always try to do the right thing in life, why are you not doing it here and now?
If you care about her too much and worry about her too much how can you say that stringing her along until you find someone else that you are willing to dump her for is fair and will be easier on HER. IT won’t. It will be easier for YOU to dump her when you have someone to go to.
“We have plans” EXCUSE number one. Make NO MORE PLANS with her… then when the plans in the next few months are done… EXCUSE ONE IS GONE
SHE’S in school. EXCUSE NUMBER TWO Yeah well she will always “be in school” or “be at a new job” or “having a rough time with….” You will always be able to find a current life event that you can use to avoid doing something painful until YOU want it, then to be honest you won’t CARE what she’s doing in her life at that time you will want OUT and you will do it then.
You will always be able to find a current life event that you can use to avoid doing something painful until YOU want it, then to be honest you won’t CARE what she’s doing in her life at that time you will want OUT and you will do it then.
You don’t want her to suffer, you love her… well then SET her free to find someone who loves her enough to want to commit to her and marry her… don’t drag it on any longer than one minute past knowing she’s NOT the one… UNLESS you both AGREE to stay together knowing she’s not the one for you… Sadly if you are her “one” then she will not be happy. But it will pass. What will take longer to pass is if you drag this out till you are ready to move on and then leave her FOR someone as opposed to for yourself…. And the more time you are together the LONGER it will take for her to heal.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2013):
 The sooner she enters the break up mourning period, the sooner she will be out of it.
You are being self-indulgent and cowardly. Time to man up. Put on the long trousers, be honest and start living your life with integrity. The rest is just wah wah wah mental noise you are making so you don't feel uncomfortable.
Face it, you ARE uncomfortable and unhappy. You're just comfortable with this uncomfortableness, if that makes any sense.
You're going to hurt her either way. Get it over with now, so she spends less of her valuable time with a man who isn't in love with her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 I think you are very easy on yourself, if any :)
So, in your opinion, the right, moral thing to do, would be stringing her along for other ,say, 4 or 6 years, then when she starts asking for marriage and kids and all that, telling her " Uh-oh. Uhm..err... sorry, but you aren't the ONE and I knew it all along ? "
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): If you always want to do the right thing, try and keep in mind that the right thing long term is for her to know the truth and to be able to move on and meet someone to be with, rather than living under the illusion that your relationship is going somewhere. She will get over it, just try and be kind, and answer any of her questions. Short term pain does pass. She will be fine and will look back and be glad you were honest with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just can't bear the thought of it. I feel like if I break things off, then I'm the bad guy. I know how daft that sounds and that it really shouldn't matter even the slightest bit, but you see, I always try to do the right thing in life. I like to treat people well and bring happiness to everyone I encounter. The idea of breaking someone's heart, especially someone who I care for a great deal, does not sit well with me. I care about her too much and worry so much about how a break up would effect her. She's right in the middle of her university studies, we have a lot of fun things planned for over the next couple of months... I don't want to take that away from her, and university life is stressful enough without nursing a broken heart. I know how it feels to have your heart broken and it isn't pleasant. I feel like if I did it, even with the best intentions in mind and with a clear conscience knowing that I'd be doing it for the right reasons, I would still feel like a monster. I don't want her to suffer, I love her!I think maybe I'm worrying and over-thinking it too much. This is a common thing for me to do - obsess, worry and stress. I'm not finding this decision very easy at all. I can't carry on as I am, so something's got to give.What do you think? Am I being too hard on myself? How can I change my perspective?
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A
female
reader, Sweetheartxo +, writes (18 March 2013):
Tell her the truth but in the best way possible. You have no idea what this female feels and you going on this way is unfair. If she's planned a family or marriage you have to put things straight for the sake of her. She could take it really well cause she understands what level you're on. Remember the truth hurts but honesty is the best policy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): please just tell her, because if the relationship is seemingly good for you both, she's probably imagining a future together with you, it's kinder if you tell her at once how to feel and let her move on with her life perhaps find someone with whom she can have a future if if don't see you guys together in the long run.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
Ugh this sucks doesn't it?
Have you told HER how you feel? IF not, and she's under the impression you two are moving towards a more committed permanent relationship you MUST tell her the truth ASAP
and yes it will hurt her no matter how gently you break it to her.
and you both will cry....
and then you have the hard talk... do we stay together till someone else comes along or do we end it now and begin the healing early enough to meet new folks while still in our prime...
you can even pretend to be friends at first if you can both deal with that but it may be easier to have a clean NO CONTACT break....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Oh no how horrible.
You can't help how you feel and if this is 100% how you feel then you need to tell her. Its sound as if you love her but you are not in love with her. I would do it soon or you are just postponing the heartache for the both of you.
Just go easy when you tell her don't just blurt it out! Say you love her and care for her but your not in love with her and cant see you both together when in 10 years.
Hope this helped a little.
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