A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 8 years and I have broken up (his choice) and I need some advice on how to play it - I don't know whether I should play it cool (would he just forget me?) or fight for our relationship as I love him with all my heart, and would love to hear your experiences/advice please.We broke up because he's been sending explicit, flirty texts to 3 other girls (I found out by finding his secret cell phone!) - when I confronted him, he broke down crying, begged me not to leave him... see, he did something similar 1 yr ago with a female work colleague, I found out, we split, had little contact, then 6 months on he asked me to get back together with him, said he couldn't go on living without me and when he imagined his future, he wanted me in it, for us to settle down, get married and have kids one day. We got back together and we were happier than even until I found the phone. I thought our relationship was stronger than ever, had started to trust him again and loved him more than ever.So 2 weeks on from my discovery, he has gone very quiet. Came to see me today - I said I'd like to talk about where we go from here, told him I want us to work out why he did this again (he says he was under stress at work, felt lonely) and how to be sure he won't do it again... he was very quiet, and eventually said he doesn't know what he wants from life anymore, doesn't know if he wants to be with me, doesn't want "the grief" of having a girlfriend, just wants us to go back to having fun together with no expectations (yet he was the one saying he thought we'd be a family one day)... so he says he wants time apart for now.He rang me yesterday, asked me to visit him at his house today. Told me he misses me and loves me, but needs time and space, but wanted to see me. Then this morning, he rings to say he can't see me, needs time and space...So I don't know whether to just back off, not make any contact, and hope he contacts me at some point? There are so many things I want to tell him, about how I love him and how I want us to just go back to having fun and hanging out and how what we have is worth holding on to. I want to ring him and tell him, or to talk to him face to face about what's going on, or to write to him, but maybe I shouldn't?He's going to his parents' home for 2 weeks tomorrow. I'm going to try not to contact him over this time to give him space, but is this the right thing to do? What if he never contacts me again? What if I never get the chance to speak to him about my feelings for him and about us again? I love him so much and am so confused about where I stand. I don't know whether we've broken up or not, whether he'll come back for me again like before... I don't want to lose this guy - he's amazing, the only man I've ever loved:(Your advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (2 August 2009):
 8 years together is a lot of time, I find it hard to believe you didn't have any problems in the beginning and the cheating only happened in the last couple of years. Flirting with three women at the same time, what a womaniser.It's entirely up to you to decide if you should invest more time at this age in a relationship that has proven twice already that it's not infallible, presuming you have been cheated on only in the two occasions he was caught. One thing is clear, you can't fight for a relationship against his will or bad habits. Saying he felt lonely was an easy way out. Surely this can't have been at the bottom of it all, and even if you have indeed neglected him, two wrongs don't make a right. He sounds very irresolute to say the least at his age. Is it desirable to spend the next years searching through his things for what you don't want to find and keep wondering what is going on when you are not together? I think accepting him back is a major risk and you will have to asses the consequences beforehand. Tell him all of the things you wish, in an email perhaps, this will help you with closure, but at least at this point, he is not ready to commit to anyone. I actually wonder about how come you are not not married after 8 years? Maybe it's because he enjoys his freedom? The few travesties? I think in average most people decide whether they are compatible in view of marriage after much less time. Isn't this also a sign? Best of luck.
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