A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,So my girlfriend of two years and I broke up a few months ago, late June. She immediately started seeing a guy that had asked her out when we were dating. I tried hard to get her to talk to me, but things came up like my mother feeling it was her responsibility to ensure we didn't keep seeing each other if we weren't dating. Which is ridiculous, but try to ignore that in your response. It was only in May that we were talking about getting engaged, since she applied to my university and had a place set up for this year. Anyways, my question is related to something more recent. After I moved, she became aware that I was seeing other people. She at first was angry about this and angry that I had met someone through someone she used to be good friends with. Then, she went back on accusations she made against me and asked me how I had been, was doing, school, etc. She also is very interested in finding out this girl's name and has been upset that I won't tell her. I personally don't think it's her business at this point, especially considering I'm in a predicament concerning my ex. I still love her, basically. She means a lot to me, and we cliqued really well.She's been reading my writing/poetry that I put on a website every night (it shows her log ins) and she texted me last Saturday near midnight saying she reads my stuff and that she likes it. Conveniently, it's mostly about her. She called me twice on the weekend, and at one point told me I looked like James Dean, because I wrote a poem entitled that. Anyways, I'm not sure what to do. She mentioned that she isn't over me yet, and told me she wants to go out East, where I used to live. I don't know if that's supposed to be some kind of closure or? All I know is that I love this girl a lot. She's still dating this guy, and although I respect that, they don't really seem to mesh. Everyone has told me "wtf" at her new relationship and that it's weird she would be with him. What steps can I take to show her that I love her, without overwhelming her? I like the new girl a bit, but I don't see us going far, honestly. I have a feeling my ex went through a phase (guy was in a band, our relationship was without drama), and is starting to come back to reality. What can I do to maybe someway influence her to want to be with me?I don't want responses saying it isn't worth it, or I should give up on her. If she's reading my stuff every night, it means something. She also checks to see if I'm in a relationship on facebook a lot. Please just give me advice on how to somehow get her back. We've been talking lately and it's somewhat how we were before. I love her, and I know we can go far, because that's what we wanted not long ago.Thanks for any advice.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (18 September 2009):
 If you want to pull your ex back into your life, then you and she have to come to terms with the past.
I know you want to take her back, but during your absence in her life, she's been with another guy. Though you can accept that, you have to be perfectly clear about how you feel about what she did to you, and what you may have done to her; and the two of you have to set new rules so you don't go through this again.
I'm only saying this because you don't want this girl going in and out of your life like a revolving door. She needs to make it clear that she's not going to leave you again, and, that you won't leave her again, without really trying to keep it all together.
The next thing is that the two of you have to build up real trust between you. Both you and she need to have that trust so that the rules you both agree on, won't be broken.
Finally, you two have to really spend more time making deeper emotional connections with each other, and try and find ways to strengthen your relationship.
If you two truly do love each other, then you don't want another breakup. Its that simple.
When you try and resurrect a relationship that broke down, for any reason, if it breaks up again its going to be very painful for the two of you.
I don't know how seriously she took your relationship with her, or her relationship with you, before she left for the other guy. But my concern is that if you are not both on the same page together, then its going to be very hard for the two of you.
Anything's possible but when you have a breakup there's going to be reasons why it happened and you need to fix that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, and I understand where you're coming from. I know it's hard to do, and I guess I should have phrased things differently, but if I could get some advice on what I could do to be that #1 in her life again. Perhaps it's not worth it, and I'm not hurting this other girl, because she and I aren't even serious about things yet and she knows the situation. It might look bad on my part, but I'm not trying to hurt anyone, including myself. I'm just trying to see if anyone can give me advice on how I can handle this situation, with my ex being interested in me. She's with this guy but to be honest, it doesn't even nearly come close to how it was when we first started dating. I think she might be coming around a bit, and I want to find out if there's something I can do to make her think that I'm worth being with again. Thanks, and I'm sorry for the stubborness but that's the advice I'm looking for.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (18 September 2009):
You need to consider what kind of harm you're doing to your new girl if you're still obsessing over your ex girlfriend.
The only thing you can do with your ex is let her go around reading your stuff and doing whatever she wants.
If she wants you, then she needs to get rid of her boyfriend and make things right so that she will not go off on you again.
But it seems to me what she really wants is to have you and not keep you, get over you and still want you.
There are so conflicting signals going on there that it tells me that she's not made any commitment to you even now.
Anything you do is going to overwhelm her and at the same time hurt you.
In the mean time, she's trying to find out who you're seeing and what you're doing.
This just doesn't seem very healthy.
But getting back to the situation with your new girlfriend, it seems terribly unfair to that girl to be caught in the cross-hairs of a on-again-off-again relationship with the ex.
This new girl in your life is being hurt by you. You're paying attention to a girl who's seeing someone else, and hasn't left him and she (the ex) is playing with you, partly out of jealousy of your new girlfriend.
What does that tell you? You're the no. 2 man in her life. You're the backup for the guy she's sleeping with now. Is this what you really want?
And, you're doing to your new girlfriend exactly what your ex is doing to you.
You're using the new girlfriend as a backup in the event your ex doesn't work out.
Try focusing on the consequences of all of this. Your ex is obviously trying to interfere in your new relationship and you're letting her. The real issue in my mind is what will your ex sacrifice to get you back? Not the other way around.
Once you've figured out the dynamics going on here, you'll soon realize that there are a great deal more consequences than you can imagine.
What if your ex just wants to be friends with you? She's not going to give up her boyfriend after all? Then what happens if you're disappointed?
This is a sticky situation and she's playing with you right now.
I would have to say if I were you, you have a new girl in your life, and you need to pay more attention to her than the ex who left you and took up with someone else. Its that simple.
Love's hard to find in this world, and finding the right person for you is even harder. But hanging on to someone who's already involved in a relationship with another man, who left you for that other man, is going to hurt again.
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